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AIBU?

Father in laws girlfriend is driving me crazy

15 replies

Kellybrad · 30/10/2018 08:39

Hi all, I'm due to have our first baby in the next few days and I'm having trouble establishing some boundaries with my Partners Fathers girlfriend.
I am trying my hardest not to be petty as I know she is probably just excited but she's really starting to irritate me, I genuinely feel harassed by her. They haven't been together long (about 18 months) and for most of that time his father has been drunk (he's an alcoholic, partners mother left when he was young and his dad became an alcoholic not long after) FIL's partner is good company for him but I don't think she's the most positive of influences and have tried to keep my distance, she refers to my partner and his siblings as her step children and has commented about having a grandchild soon... this makes me uncomfortable as our baby is not her grandchild. She constantly texts me and writes to me on Facebook. If I tag a friend in something she comments straight away, I feel a bit suffocated by her. I have ended up blocking her from seeing my social media posts and texts but then she calls or messages me on Facebook. I don't want to be mean to her but I can feel my patience wearing thin, I've tried to say I'm trying to concentrate on myself and getting ready for our new arrival and my phone is starting to annoy me but she doesn't take the hint.
She has been rude to my mum and friends and in general isn't a very nice person but seems to be clinging to me more than anyone else because of the baby.
What can I do without upsetting the Apple cart too much, I don't want to risk a big falling out in case it causes a problem with FIL and her and then turns him back to drink?!

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IHATEPeppaPigMoresoatHalloween · 30/10/2018 08:52

I think you have done all you can without causing a massive fuss - when I was pregnant I felt completely suffocated by everyone. Just keep your distance and make sure you set boundaries when the baby is born.

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DancingForTheDog · 30/10/2018 08:53

If he's drunk all the time anyway, which you say he is, how will whatever you say/do turn him back to drink? Anyway you will have to be blunt I'm afraid. People like this woman have the hide of a rhino and do not understand subtlety or diplomacy. "Please stop calling me", "what you said to my mother was very rude", "our baby is not your grandchild" etc. It's the only way to get through to someone with so little self awareness. This would drive me crazy so you have my sympathy.

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Singlenotsingle · 30/10/2018 09:00

Hasn't she got any children/family of her own? No friends? And where's your partner's DM in all this? After all, it will really be her grandchild, won't it?

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PersonaNonGarter · 30/10/2018 09:00

It is easier than you think.

First of all, don’t respond to the messages - or if you do want to respond, leave long gaps of time. So she knows you are not on call.

Block her, as you have done, so she cannot see what is going on with you.

In person, be polite but don’t engage too much.

The main thing is, she seems to mean well, even if she is getting this wrong. So you don’t need to worry about her behaviour if you can readjust your own. Then focus your attention on other things. Like the baby, yay!

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Kellybrad · 30/10/2018 09:12

She has 2 (grown up) children and often comments that she is lonely. At first I felt sorry for her but I'm starting to understand why her family have pretty much abandoned her.
There isn't much of a relationship between my partner and his Mum, she left when he was young and has made very little effort since. I've only met her once, she has text him twice since we announced the pregnancy but we haven't seen her.

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Rebecca36 · 30/10/2018 09:32

The woman seems to be trying too hard, not meaning any harm though.
She'll calm down when the baby arrives.

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MrsStrowman · 30/10/2018 09:44

She's trying too hard but there's probably nothing malicious behind it, just hold firm with your boundaries

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Kellybrad · 30/10/2018 09:47

Sorry, by drunk half the time I meant when they first got together he was drinking heavily everyday, for the last few month's he has been having counselling and on a programme to reduce his daily alcohol intake and has cut out spirits completely. So I didn't want to do anything to risk further progress.
I'm lucky that my partner understands but we are both walking egg shells because of his father's stability. We would have put it more bluntly otherwise, I am just hoping you're right and she calms down when the baby gets here.
The thing is we live about half an hour away from each other and only see each other once every few weeks which would be fine if she just left me alone inbetween. The odd text I wouldn't mind...

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Elasticity · 30/10/2018 10:04

I would NC her. Leave it to your partner to arrange occasional visits to see his father and partner both now and once baby is here. Be amicable when you see her - any comments about not being in touch often just put down to business, focusing on yourself, focusing on baby.

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Helplessfeeling · 30/10/2018 10:41

Is you FIL finally getting help for his drinking because of her input? EG is she actually a positive in his life? In that case I would keep the contact with his girlfriend for his sake, but maybe reduce it down, don't reply to every message and take a long time to reply. Be busy when she contacts.

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Maelstrop · 30/10/2018 10:47

Why don’t you just tell her to limit her texts to a couple a week or whatever makes you happy? You can’t have much of a relationship with her given she’s only been around for 18 months and you only see her every few weeks. Just tell her straight.

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Sweetpea55 · 30/10/2018 10:52

You cant run your life in a way so you dont upset FIL and GF,
His alcoholism is his own responsibility, yours is your new precious baby.
What does your partner say about this?

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Feefeetrixabelle · 30/10/2018 11:26

Just remember you don’t have to reply. It’s not rude if you don’t reply. Reply to her messages every other day at the same ish time. She will get used to the reduction in contact. If fil says something just so oh no I’m so busy nesting I reply as soon as I can. Rinse and repeat until she calms down. Maybe your dh can talk to your dad and say you’ve decided to give his partner a nickname as the children won’t be her grandchildren but you don’t want her to feel excluded-something like nona, something based on her name, twinkles. Something fun which sets her as more important than a passing stranger but not grandma, nanny etc

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Kellybrad · 30/10/2018 12:07

She has a lot to do with his improvement, we put him in contact with a counsellor and the programme he is now on after we told him he won't play a part in our babies life whilst he was the way he was. He then agreed to get help. She stays with him all day as when he's left alone he is likely to slip back. So for the company she has helped him. I am reluctant to involve her too much as it's not really a "couples relationship" if that makes sense. In all honesty she is more like a carer. They don't go anywhere or do anything, they don't even sit in the same room. But it seems to work for him as he hasn't had a bad episode for a few months. If I were more confident in his stability and their relationship I would happily find a nickname for her but I don't really see it going anywhere and I don't want to have my child get used to someone that I don't think will be around for very long.
I think that's why her full on approach bothers me, if I thought they would be together and would be a positive role model I'd be more than happy, the love a child has the better. It's just not a healthy situation yet.

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Feefeetrixabelle · 30/10/2018 12:19

That’s why I thought a non family nickname could work. Lots of people will come and go from your babies life. I just thought it pre empt her automatically calling herself grandma. If a child grandma disappears then that can be distressful if the child is old enough to know. Twinkle vanishing well she was just grandads friend. And I can see herself calling herself grandma and you not wanting to upset your fil

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