Been too relaxed about dd's fussy eating and now she's 11!

[Summeristhebest]

DD has always been a stubbornly fussy eater and after a few battles when she was little I decided to take a relaxed approach. This has resulted over the years in me tending to cook things she likes - probably to the detriment of the rest of the family. She also has tomato ketchup with a lot of meals (and vegetables.) My ds will eat anything but dd flatly refuses. I've tried getting her to cook stuff which she loves to do, but then still won't eat what she's made or will only eat a tiny amount of the healthy stuff (often with ketchup.) I feel like I have completely failed her. I need to get this sorted but just don't know how. Don't want to create eating issues etc. Please give me wise words. I feel like a complete failure.

She sounds simply 'fussy', but I saw this on in-flight entertainment recently and was horrified.

I agree with @Talkstotrees - being a fussy eater becomes a real burden on you and makes life difficult. It also makes life difficult for people who are kind enough to cook for you.

I still wince at some of the fussy things I said to people. I hope they don't remember them as well as I do. And think kindly of the odd person who persuaded me to try something new.

Please push her to eat more varied foods. I know it's hard, but my DP's mother succumbed to his fussiness. He's 30 and literally only eats chicken nuggets and chips every night with ketchup. No exaggeration. He's thin and healthy but that's just luck.

Does she eat at other people's homes?
Mine doesn't, unless it's sweets/ice cream.

One word about peer pressure as a teen.
Be aware. The pressure might well go in a way you aren’t that happy about Yep, take-aways, chips and energy drinks - that's the teen boys preferred diet

My dd was very difficult from around 18 months with food. We tried various strategies and nothing worked so we just backed right off and as long as she had a relatively balanced diet we tried not to stress about it. She had quite a limited diet until she started Secondary and some days she “can’t”eat lunch at school despite the meals being pretty good (and bloody expensive!) but gradually she has increased what she will eat until she actually has a pretty good diet now and although she still has a few “rules”, usually around texture she eats a variety of food.
To complicate matters she recently went vegetarian and is allergic to Quorn but I’m more than happy with what she eats now.
So my advice would be to try and chill out as much as possible, she’s eating ketchup with her veg but she IS eating veg. Don’t offer sweets or biscuits as an alternative but don’t try and force or even strongly encourage anything and certainly don’t go down the “ no child will starve themselves, they eat what I serve or go hungry” route, ours DID starve herself rather than eat something she couldn’t, and it was a case of couldn’t rathe rthan wouldn’t- the few times she was “strongly encouraged “ to eat something ( thanks MIL) she threw it straight back up.
Me and DH are massive foodies and we could never understand where his child who didn’t like food had come from but she’s 13 now with a good attitude to food and is happy and healthyand that’s something I never thought I would be able to say about her.

I agree with the relaxed approach. I was very selective as was my eldest son,. The rest of the family eat a very wide range of foods. My son eats a bigger variety now. He has 4 healthy children, one of who. Is also selective.

I hate the terms ‘fussy’ or ‘picky’ and all the other negative terms that are used. It makes it seem that we are being deliberately difficult, many of us have sensitivity to certain foods. Even, in our cases, to the fact the implements used for cooking strong smelling things often retain the smell, not noticeable to others.

Like you, I wondered if I should have been more insistent with my son, even though, deep down I know it would have beeen pointless. My mother stopped having him to stay when he was a child, “because he was always vomiting at her house”. I soon realised that she was trying to force things onto him as she did me, Having the third generation now, really reinforces that the relaxed attitude is best.

DS is a fussy bugger. It actually breaks my heart a bit. I remember being a kid and looking forward so much to Christmas dinner, because it was such a treat. DS will literally only eat the meat. He misses out on so much.

When it's his birthday or I'm trying to treat him, his 'favourite meal' is yet another plateful of bland crap.

I can't bloody wait til he outgrows it (currently 8).

Hi, I'm 30 and am still considered a "fussy eater". The texture of most foods is what makes me fearful of eating them.

I essentially live off white carbs and a few bit of fruit. I've been like this since I came onto solid foods as a baby. I was taken to numerous doctors who all said "oh she'll grow out of it when she goes to school / goes to friends house / goes for meals with friends / goes to uni and nothing has ever changed.

A few years ago I went for CBT therapy which helped massively as although I'll still always choose chips over anything else. If I am in a public situation then I can eat veggie burgers etc which minimal discomfort.

It may be that your child grows out of it and I really hope she does but it may be worth looking into SED/ARFID which are recognised eating disorders (it's what I have) and maybe CBT therapy.

One doctor told me once that "I was doing it for the attention". I was about 7 and it's still stuck with me now, it's absolutely mortifying being the person who everyone else thinks it's okay to judge their food. Nothing fun about it at all.

I did also try hypnotherapy which may work for some people but I think my personality is too logical for that to work on which is why CBT helped most.

If you have any questions about any of it then please feel free to PM me

Summer my DD was a very fussy eater everything had to be kept separate on the plate no touching of any foods, eat one food before the other, sauces for pasta away from pasta, only raw veg, bread and butter in her lunch box or cream cheese but not both. She would always try stuff though so I didn't mind. I think your approach is right it worked for us and DD is now 28 and eats just about anything apart from chocolate

with girls and peer pressure its often a lot easier than with boys, because they get to a certain age where they start going out for dinner with each other (or at least where i'm from they do), and in trying to grow up and look sophisticated the fussiness kind of falls away!

Can I also say. I've never had any health issues - even with my diet. I'm slightly overweight but that's through my own laziness and the fact I'm now pregnant.

I'm also from a family of 8. One of my sisters will only eat white meat but the rest would probably stick a fork in a live horse so it's nothing to do with how I was brought up and parents being too strict / too lenient, this is just how I am.

Having been very fussy myself, I took an approach that my children should try a small amount of everything new that was offered.

At meals, they were allowed to leave one thing. That way, they never had to eat something truly obnoxious to them.

My dd was the very same her eating was very limited i just persevered getting her to try new things she is in her 20s now and loves her food now there is still things she won't eat but she does at least eat.

Spartacus interesting videos.

It raises the question as to WHY we have this disorder now but it wasn't there before (or not in those numbers).
Just like boulimie and anorexia have an increased incidence too.

I do think that for a lot of teenagers/adults the issue isnt that though. But more the fact that they aren’t used to eat xxx and react the same way than most people when they go abroad and are faced with weird new foods (larvae for lunch anyone?). And they say they can’t stomach it....

I think we create fussy eaters with our anxieties and worries about our young children eating enough.
I don't know how you can turn it around once it's established but I do know where families don't have the luxury of affording providing alternatives you get less fussy eaters.
There were four of us growing up and it was a case of that's your dinner take it or leave it. There weren't alternatives because there wasn't money to provide them.

Summer I still have rules about what food can be allowed to touch, and for a long time I couldn't eat gravy on a Sunday dinner as the 'flow' of it on my plate made me feel ill.

Hot and cold food touching is still a big no-no in my world and can send me a bit sick at times.

I think you can beat yourself up either way. It's impossible to know if she would have been more or less fussy if you'd pushed it when she was younger, or what impact getting less accommodating now would have. My friend's middle DC was a very fussy eater (other two would eat anything). She ended up with such a restricted diet they ended up at CAMHS and they said it was probably sensory based originally, but had become a control/anxiety thing because of the dinner table becoming a battle ground. She is improving a lot with age after my friend backed right off.

Basically, whatever you choose to do I would make it gentle and small. There is a lot of scope for messing people up around food. Encourage to taste/try, yes. Only provide low sugar ketchup, fine. But I think big battles in this area can be really counterproductive.

Some children find it helps if they can serve themselves.

I used to find my appetite dropped to zero if I was presented with a huge plate piled up with food and expected to eat it all. I probably could eat that amount if I helped myself with small portions, and was allowed to have seconds.

Some great and timely advice in this thread, thank you all.

I hate the terms ‘fussy’ or ‘picky’ and all the other negative terms that are used. It makes it seem that we are being deliberately difficult, many of us have sensitivity to certain foods. Even, in our cases, to the fact the implements used for cooking strong smelling things often retain the smell, not noticeable to others.

I don't hate it, but I see those who take pride in being non-fussy usually eat crap, and then complain about indigestion, weight issues. I'm not deliberately difficult, but I refuse to eat what I don't like.

I grew out of it!
Was never forced to eat anything I didn't like, I just slowly in my own time began to like more and more things until now where I eat pretty much anything!
Up until the age of about 11, I only ate plain chicken, plain rice, cucumber, plain pasta (not even a pasta sauce!), sweetcorn, and pizza.
Nothing else!
I slowly started to like the taste of more foods like goats cheese and vegetarian versions of meat, over the next few years til about 15/16- but still only ate chicken as it was the only meat I could cope with the texture of! Age 16-18 and I had got so brave over the years!
I honestly eat and like almost everything now! Steak! Olives! Mushrooms! Brussel sprouts! I love it all!

And no one ever pushed me into any of it! Best thing is to not make a big deal if they do ask to try a bit- let them and just move on! Taste buds change with time!

Turning down healthy, balanced meals or a veg whilst wanting to live on a diet of chicken nuggets, fromage frais and chocolate buttons is fussy and most fussy eaters I know (esp children) do not have a healthy diet. Im sure their parents would be less concerned if they were sat at the table saying "no quavers for me mum, I'll just fill up on salmon and streaned veg"

@WhatALearningCurve - you might find the video I posted above insightful.

I was a really fussy eater: my main meal was rice and tuna. As an adult I eat everything! Try and relax.

If nothing else, stop buying ketchup. She's not getting the flavour of any food because ketchup overwhelms it. She needs to be weaned off it, it's just sugar.