To not have been involved about incident involving the police?

[LittlePickle18]

This is my first time posting and hoping for some advice.
For background me and ex DP split up earlier this year. We have one DD who was 7 months old at the time. Ex's behaviour was not good leading up to the split and his mum and dad (I'll refer to them as A and B) gave me a lot of support at the time that I really appreciated. I always made it clear to them that their relationship with DD would continue as it always had. Since then ex and I have worked hard to get along and that's been going well.
The issue is to do with ex's brother (C). There's been numerous problems with him over the past couple of years but I've maintained contact with him and tried to support him where I could. Last week DD stayed over with A and B and they brought her back home the following day after I had finished work. A (mum) mentioned that there had been an argument between them and C and he had been asked to leave the house and they had changed the locks (he's 18). I thought nothing more of it as that's not uncommon until yesterday when I had a phone call from a social worker. She confirmed I was DDs mother and asked to discuss an incident that had happened last week. She told me C had made serious threats to A and B and damaged the property whilst my DD was there. The police were called and C has been cautioned and isn't allowed near the house. Obviously I was hugely upset that I knew nothing about this. The social worker was lovely and said there was no further action but she needed to discuss it with me as DD had been present and it was advised that she be kept away from C. I called A and said I was angry and upset that she hasn't told me about the incident, ex reacted the same. She apologised and said she hadn't wanted to upset me, I replied that wasn't ok and where DD was concerned I always had to know. Initially she was very sorry and agreed that C would not see DD when she was visiting, that he was not allowed at their house etc. Then later on last night she was texting me and ex saying how sorry C was and how low he felt, she was basically back to defending him. This is far from the first time he's caused trouble but certainly the worst. I told ex I do not want these messages as I am upset about it all and honestly am only thinking of the position DD was put in, not Cs feelings.
So I'm now torn about where to go from here. I don't want to damage DDs relationship with A and B but I'm unsure how seriously A is taking me when I say DD must not be around C.
I'm furious that I wasn't informed and I didn't sleep all night for worrying about it.
WWYD? AIBU if I stop DDs overnight visits for now? I'm so torn but my ultimate responsibility is to make sure DD is protected.
Sorry that was so long, would appreciate any advice.

[Twodogsandahooch]

I think stopping overnight/unsupervised visits would be entirely appropriate here. Your daughter is your priority.

[ZoeWashburne]

A&B can come over and see your DD at your house (or at a park) where you can supervise that C is not there. 100% stop the overnight visits. They essentially lied by omission.

You had a social worker calling your house about your DD at theirs- that is outrageous. Doesn't matter how sorry C is, you risk having DD in a dangerous situation (or even more on the social services radar) if it happens again.

Remember: you are not doing anything TO them- they did this to themselves and you re reacting like an appropriate and good mother by cancelling them having DD 1 on 1. Just say "I'm sorry, but I can't risk DD being put in a situation where police and social services are being called again. I take DD to the park at 14:00 on Saturdays, you are welcome to come visit with her there for an hour." If they push, just put your foot down. You are 100% in the right here. The fact that A is defending C just shows that she isn't going to be thinking about your DD, she is prioritising her 'D'S.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Presumably your dd stays with her dad sometimes? Can they see your dd there and at yours instead? Yanbu at all. Stand firm but fair - they can see dd on your terms as they Ha vent covered themselves in glory. When you see clear, sustained improvement in C's behaviour, they can have their grandchild over again.

[LittlePickle18]

Thanks for the messages, it's confirmed that it's the right thing to do. I don't want to stop them seeing DD completely as I think the relationship is important for her and she adores them but I'm going to have to put boundaries in place to safeguard DD which will have to mean no more overnight stays until C has sorted himself out.

[IABURQO]

Yes, agree completely with @ZoeWashburne.

[frostywalkshotchocolate1]

I think I would send a quick text just saying you understand the position they are in as it is there son but after social services getting in contact you no longer feel comfortable leaving DD in there care but they are more than welcome to visit and take her out for the dad but under no circumstances must she be around C or there home.

[WitchesBritches]

Make sure your ex is onboard then stop his parents having her without one of you present. If he’s not onboard, I’d stop him having her unsupervised too. DD comes first.

The initial situation, whilst I’d be concerned about how it had affected DD, wouldn’t have changed anything for me, but them not telling me would. I would be angry that I didn’t know what DD had witnessed, so that I could handle any upset about it (she’s probably not yet talking much, but that doesn’t mean she’s not understanding) and I would no longer trust them with her because they’d not told me.

So I’d have stopped them having her before she started excusing her other son anyway, but this just reinforces that that was the right thing to do.

[LittlePickle18]

Ex agrees with me completely, he was the one who first said he didn't want DD staying there. He's been really good so I definitely have his agreement.

[ChasedByBees]

Good. You need to protect her and it’s important that SS see that you are taking her welfare seriously and following their advice.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

That's great that you have her dad's support on this.

I totally agree that you should stop letting her go there - not only did they fail to inform you of a serious incident, but they show all signs of letting C back into the house regardless. I wouldn't trust them again.

If SS thought it was serious enough to tell you to stay away from C, then take it seriously. You don't want to end up on their radar as failing to safeguard your DD.

I like the suggestion of saying "we go to the park at x time, you're welcome to see her there".

[MatildaTheCat]

She’s young to be having overnights with grandparents anyway- you have to trust them implicitly. And obviously now you can’t.

SS have told you no contact between C and DD. Period.

[LittlePickle18]

I've never had anything to so with SS before so I'm mortified that they've had to contact me due to C's disgusting behaviour. The social worker told me they had to track me down through DD's health visitor records which to me suggests A and B weren't forthcoming with my details. I can only hope that stopping DD's visits will give them the push they need to stop tolerating unacceptable behaviour from C.

[TheLuckyMrsPine]

Yes tell A & B that SS have categorically stated no contact. Therefore for the time being no unsupervised visits as the trust is gone following their failure to inform you of the incident.

C is their problem. Your DD is yours and you are right to put her first.

[klondike555]

Stick to your guns.

I'd be absolutely LIVID if anyone got me involved with SS, even (especially) if I haven't done anything wrong. That'd be enough for me to cut off all contact TBH.

I don't want to damage DDs relationship with A and B
It's not you who'd be damaging the relationship. It's C with his actions, and A and B for lying to you about it.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

I can only hope that stopping DD's visits will give them the push they need to stop tolerating unacceptable behaviour from C.

It won’t, because he’s their son and will always come first, as your DD does for you.

These are two separate issues. You are right to keep your DD away while this is going on but don’t expect, or try, to change their relationship with BIL.

[Ifoundanacorn]

I would need some time to recover from this huge violation of your trust from A&B. They lied and have compromised your dd's safety in wequal measure. The minute this started they should have called you to collect dd. Could I just revert back to a normal relations after this? No. They have exposed your dd to danger and fear, they have involved SS in your life and have literally compromised all of you.

No wonder exdp is keeping quiet and on your side, he is probably relieved you are even considering seeing them again after this.

Take some time to be sure you are comfortable having them in your lives again and what the boundaries and rules will be. This can never happen again.

If you decide to see them again, A&B should visit dd just in your house. Under no circumstances should you let dd go back there op. SS will take a very dim view if this happens again, they will hold you responsible because you were warned and knew about the first incident.

A&B have not understood the fully measure of what has happened, as no doubt they are used to C's violent and dangerous behaviour, they cannot expect you to do the same.

Up to you if you go no contact or have some kind of relationship with strict safe guards, but it is absolutely imperative you don't trust them again.

[OhLemons]

They didn't tell you because they were scared of the consequences, not because they didn't want to upset you.

By the sounds of it they also refused to give your contact details so that you didn't find out.

Their loyalty is with their son which means, as they've shown, that protecting him is more important than your daughter's welfare.

I would agree with the others that have said supervised visits only.

[jojo2232]

They didn't tell you because they were scared of the consequences, not because they didn't want to upset you.

By the sounds of it they also refused to give your contact details so that you didn't find out.

Their loyalty is with their son which means, as they've shown, that protecting him is more important than your daughter's welfare.

I would agree with the others that have said supervised visits only.

this ^^

[Lunde]

You have to stop overnight visits now or risk losing dd because of their failure to protect her. They cannot be trusted as their first loyalty is to C - it sounds as though they are planning to allow him back to their house as he is "sorry". They were prepared to lie to you and it seems they obstructed the police from identifying your dd as well. They are not prepared to protect your dd and will likely cause you more trouble with ss as well if you allow dd back to their house.

If you are feeling kind offer them limited contact away from their house - at a park or play centre or at your house if you don't mind this. But no more overnights - you can't trust them - tell them clearly that it is not happening and that you feel betrayed that they 1) didn't tell you and 2) allowed SS to become involved in your dd's life

[snowbear66]

It can’t be a stable and happy atmosphere to take your dd into with C there. She could get caught in the crossfire of an incident.

[LittlePickle18]

Snowbear that is exactly what I said. A said that C adored DD and would never hurt her and I said that was irrelevant as if he can't control his temper she could easily get caught up in it, she's toddling around now so she could easily end up in the middle of it. And besides the risk of violence I absolu they do not want her witnessing anything like that.

I'm going to follow advice on here and tell them they need to come to me to see her and will have a joint discussion with them and ex to tell them our decision.