To think it's not my grandmother's responsibility?

[ItsAllNew01]

Not sure i'll get many posts at this hour but another thread prompted me to post this as it would be nice to hear some opinions and advice.

My GF & GM separated when my mother was an adult. My GM always still helped out my GF as it was a mutual split and on good terms so she'd cook his tea and help out in his house. Eventually they both remarried but remained friends. My GF's 2nd wife is now suffering from a range of health issues and needs full time care which my GF has cared for for years. However, he's now sadly been diagnosed with a terminal illness and doesn't have very long left.

Cue my GM being a lovely lady has helped him with caring for his wife. However, we are now in a predicament as it is clear his wife, although needing more demanding care, will outlive my GF. My GF thinks my GM should take care of his wife when he passes, but she does not want to take this on. This is a woman she's been friendly with but she should not have to devote the rest of her life caring for this lady. GF's wife has no family to take on the role of carer.

AIBU to think my GF shouldn't expect my GM to take this on? But what will happen to his wife when he dies? I have no clue about where she will go. We do not have the money to pay for her care. As much as we are civil and friendly, she's never really felt like family.

What family does she have from the time before she married your GF? Does she have any children? It certainly isn’t your grandmother’s responsibility to care for her ex husband’s latest wife

Are you in the UK?
If so she will go in a NHS run care home.

Or have carers come into her home if she is able to still live alone.

You will not have to pay. She isnt yours or your grandmothers responsibility

@Trethew Apparently none, even if we found a relative, she/they wouldnt know eachother. I think my GF has taken my GM kindness to mean she is willing to care for her for life. As opposed to while he is sick.

That is a relief. Don't get me wrong, we wouldn't ever like to see the poor woman rot on her own. Before she started deteriorating she was a lovely lady but just never got the sense of family from her. We have been concerned about where she will go as we do have a conscience. It is very probable my GM and I will visit her occasionally when it happens, but none of us are in a position to become full time carers for this lady.

It depends if there’s property or any savings left when your grandfather dies? If there is property the local council could put her in one of their care homes and the property would be sold before or after her death to pay for her care. It does vary from council to council how this works. I only have experience of my local council who I worked for and my father in laws council, when he had to go into a home for health reasons.

It’s not unreasonable for your GM to say no under the circumstances. She should be free to enjoy the rest of her life, she’s probably done more than enough for your GF already out of her kindness.

Caring for someone is hard work. I have worked as a Carer and a personal assistant. As you say there is no real family tie between the two ladies. Understandable that your GF is concerned but selfish to expect his ex-wife to take over when he dies. Does she not have any family at all?

If in UK. Please dont worry.
Contact her GP now and explain the situation and say she will need care. A social worker can be put in place with a care plan.
Or if not able to right now, do it when your grandfather dies and explain she no longer has care...
Do not agree to do it "for a little while" or "till we sort something out"
Tell them there is no one to look after her and they will find emergency care for her

If she has money or property. She will have to pay. But if she doesnt than the goverment will provide it (so to speak)

We are in the UK yes so its a relief she'll be cared for. It's a sad situation. My GF has always been healthy so he's especially gutted he'll have to 'leave her' when he thought he'd always be the one there till the end for her.

Goodness me what a sad situation. I’m very sorry that they are ill, but
under no circumstances should your gm be expected to be a carer.
It’s nice that it’s all been very amicable but she really is in no position to take on the caring role that your gf did for his wife.
Being a full time carer is bloody hard even with support.
I’m very sorry to say that when your gf passes your sgm will probably have to go into a home.
You don’t have to justify you or your siblings not taking on the role either.
It looks like it’s time to get on to the GP, SS etc as regards care for sgm, especially now that gf is ill.
Even if you’re related to someone it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to care for them in old age.
I chose to and was lucky enough to have the finances to do so, a caring family who loved my mum as much as I did and the house space in which to do it. It was a privilege.
Your gm must not feel guilty about saying no. She’s probably sad enough as it is about saying goodbye to your gf.
Sorry to have gone on!
Best x

No it isn't. I'd suggest (if you want to maintain good relations) that you/your GM assist in finding her a suitable retirement home and help her get settled. Then visitors are always welcome after that. But no, caring for an elderly person is a huge commitment and your GM needs to give a firm "no" to that.

Goodness no! Your gf wants your gm to continue to do his wife work, after they have not only long divorced but he is dead!

It might have been (sort of) all right when he was alive - but it has to come to an end now. Expecting your ex to continue looking after you AND your new wife is going a bridge too far ! And the idea that your GM should continue the care even after he is gone....ridiculous !