Cancelling plans when something better comes up...

[binception]

AIBU to ask what is your personal 'policy' on this?

As I understand it, It's wrong if you have a prior engagement with someone, to go and do something else you've been asked to do after arranging that, BUT-if you've say, been waiting for a very important opportunity/meeting etc, and it comes up on the same day you've casually arranged to pop in someone's house for a coffee, then that would take priority (for example).

But generally I would say It's not the right thing to do?
I've got this at the moment where a friend of mine who I dont see all so often, has arranged to meet me to go for a walk together. Not exciting stuff of course. Day before, cancels because she's been invited to a gathering the same day. I'm not so annoyed about it.. But she has form for this too, which makes me a bit more so.

What do people generally think?

I would stop making plans with this friend. They’re not much of a friend to you

If I had to go to a funeral or job interview then I would cancel. It’s something I would do only in extreme circumstances.
This person is telling you that you’re not all that important to you. Stop making the effort.

Important to THEM. not you.
Blasted phone!!

Generally I make plans with people who want good things for me - so if it is an important meeting then changing it will be fine, and I’d do exactly the same for them.

But if it is just a slightly less fun friend getting binned for a more exciting one, then that is crap. Don’t do it.

I agree generally it is poor form unless it is an urgent medical appointment, job interview, summons to your child's school etc and then if it was me I would make a sincere apology and arrange a new date.

If someone does this frequently then clearly they are not a particularly good friend.

I agree with that, personal if someone cancels due to job interview or anything that enchances their progression, more than fair enough. This does seem like a 'yeh I'd rather do that', which is different.

And yes she has done it many times before. To be fair, she has asked if I am free another day, which I am. The child in me wants to say no or cancel it the day before but I never would. I will see what happens.

I have moved area recently and don't have so many friends around here though, and I know that isn't the right reason to put up with this.

I also have a feeling she won't actually think anything is wrong with what she's done, at all. She was so blatant about it! 'Cancelling tomorrow 'cause X has invited me to Y'. I would at least make something up or be very apologetic,explain why it was important etc?

Yeah I agree, you keep plans regardless of what comes up unless something big like a job interview comes up. It's just politeness. She’s taking you for granted and not considering how cancelling affects your day. Not good friendship etiquette!

Not long ago I posted (before I name changed for other reasons and now I can't find the post)! about a time she arranged to meet me for lunch at a pub, pulled up and then drove away and said she'd arrived, didn't see me so left (which I knew wasn't true, I was in the beer garden and near the car park, don't buy it at all that she didn't see me). Not seen her since. So yes, think might be time to give this one a miss :(

I'm a freelance and occasionally make plans for mid-week coffee on the basis that if work comes in I'll have to cancel. I would never ditch someone for another social invitation though, that's just rude.

I think it depends, TBH. If the first arrangement was just a catch-up over coffee or something you do fairly regularly and is easy to rearrange, but the alternative is something spectacular/important/only happening at this particular time, then a decent friend would understand you changing plans. (EG, weekly gossip session vs tickets to your favourite band's only gig this year).
And try to give as much notice as possible.

Though if someone keeps cancelling on you, then that person is probably not much of a friend and may even be trying to drop you without having a confrontation, so better to look elsewhere for friendship.

I think what Persona said makes sense.
I have a friend that I try to meet for lunch 3 or 4 times a year. Quite often one or the other of us will have to cancel. We both know we can cancel (postpone?) when something comes up that we can't do anything about the date of - whereas when it is just 2 of us meeting for something that can be done any day, it is much easier for us to rearrange. I wouldn't expect, or want her to miss something she'd like to be at, that is only on, on that specific day, when we can meet the next day, or the following week, and she gets to do both. Plus she often has to postpone because of her Mum's hospital appts or her volunteering role (which, without wanting to out her, as it is a bit identifiable, means she does have to respond at short notice sometimes).
So, it is a bit of an 'it depends' situation.

I'll ditch for being too knackered and incapable of coming out and having fun, and always have sympathy if anyone else does the same. Or for serious needs - funerals, medical reasons, urgent need to help a friend whose life has just gone down the drain, that sort of thing. No problems there.

Turning up and then changing her mind and driving off? "I've had another invite and they're more fun than you"? Fuck that. Proper CF, get shot.

That was seriously weird, spoonblender . If you don't want to do something you don't drive all the way to it then beggar off surely! But yes I agree on the too tired thing. I appreciate it when I have said that on the odd occasion and had understanding but I have to seriously know I am not up to it, not just 'I can't be arsed'.

Me and DH used to go out with this couple now and again (4-5 times a year,) and on occasions, she would turn up without him, and he would come into the pub for the the last half hour. Several times he didn't come at all.

Including the night of my husband's birthday. We had arranged to meet them at the pub at 7.15pm, she turned up alone and said 'he may be in later, he is resting as he's had a hard day at work.

We sat there with just her, (a bit bored tbh and DH didn't know what to talk about really,) and at around 9.30pm someone we know walked in. 'Hello you lot!' We said 'hi...' Then he raised his eyebrows and said to HER ... 'Oh, hello Pat, surprised to see you here. Thought you were at the Tavern with Dave.' I said 'Dave's at the Tavern?!' This guy said 'yeah, been there since 7.30, and he was there when I left a few minutes ago.'

You could see the colour drain from her face because she knew damn well that he was at this other pub, a mile up the road. She denied it obviously and said 'oh he said he was staying in.'

At that point we KNEW that this is what had happened on the other occasions he had not turned up when he was meant to meet us.He turned up at 10.15pm - 45 minutes before closing time, and three hours after we were meant to meet.

When he walked in, and said 'evening each!' we got up and said 'anyway, we're off now.' He looked shocked 'oh off already?' We just walked out. SHE knew why.

Suffice to say, we never went out with them again, never even called them. She got in touch a few times trying to arrange another night out, but I just kept saying 'we're too busy.' DH never even got a birthday card off them that last night that they pissed us around!

So yeah I HAVE had experiences of people pissing off and doing something else when something they deemed as 'better' came along. He obviously was not too bothered about us, even if SHE was. Fine, we take the hint. Now fuck off. She was no better than him, covering for him, so we thought 'SHE can fuck off too!'

And she continues to deny that she knew he was at another pub, and has always claimed he said he was staying in.

As I said, looking back, he was more than likely out with others when he didn't turn up at other times too. Especially the one night where we were meant to all meet the Saturday before Christmas. He was still coming at 6pm (according to her when I texted her to find out if they were both still coming.) But then he didn't turn up at 7pm because he was 'ill.'

I reckon he had no intention of coming all along, and she knew it, but she knew if she told us that, that we would cancel the night at the pub. We had cancelled before when she messaged to say Dave couldn't come (as we didn't want it to just be her, as the conversation is a bit slow, and DH doesn't want to sit there with just 2 women all night.)

So after that, she always said he was coming, and then half the time he didn't come (or came half hour before closing time!) Now we know why! He was pissing off out with others!

Priority list that works for me:

• Loved one hospitalised
• Funeral of loved one
• Loved one in emotional distress (this may move up the priority list depending on severity)
• Important Job based thing
• Birthdays
• Anything else - first event I commit to is the one I'm going to no matter what. This also has the bonus that I've stopped instantly saying yes to things I don't really want to do, I've become much more reliable.

Sorry to derail OP, but Pippa999 I feel a bit sorry for the lady in your post, she obviously did want to spend time with you and your DH but it sounds like she had an arse of a husband. It could be that she knew he was in the other pub but she could hardly tell you that without hurting your feelings so she told a white lie. Or she may not have known, he may have been at home pulling the 'I am too tired line' until she left. It seemed a pity to have treated them as one entity and blamed them both when she was clearly making an effort with your friendship despite her DH. My DH is not very sociable but I like to see friends so I go alone, I would hate people not to want to invite me because my DH wants to stay at home.

Hm, I have a friend who does this often. I have stopped making arrangements with her as I am sick of it.
It's nearly always because she gets a better offer and thinks 'oh, temptation won't mind' but I do mind.

Agree with @Helplessfeeling

@Pippa999 perhaps this is the only way that lady got to socialise? Because if she told you and your DH it would just be her then you wouldn't be interested. Her DH not interested in you and probably out with his own mates all the time. She probably had to beg him to turn up for a little bit at the end of each night out with you so you would actually meet her and she gets a bit of a social life. Bet she is gutted now. Would you ever meet her just you and her?

Hmm. I definitely do not dick my friends and nearest and dearest about, but I'm more comfortable than some with being more casual about it with 'tertiary' connections.

For example, my fiance's mum's cousins have a get together each quarter. They're a well-established family group with friendships that go back to their childhood days. Obviously my fiance always went as part of the family unit, and we still get invited now. We go if we don't have other plans.

But these people don't know us well. We never get past the small talk stage. We get on well, on Christmas card terms certainly. But zero depth to the relationship (and tellingly, we'd never ask a favour from them based on this, but they've felt comfortable asking for a few from us).

So no, if I'd said I was going to go, I wouldn't and don't feel any shame in saying, 'Sorry, something's come up' (insert white lie). I know they wouldn't feel any different about us.

I like that system shart. I think that's basically how I work, I try to never cancel but sometimes It's just life, I;'d never do it just because another friend asked me to meet them.

Not great for one's confidence in the friendship (or themselves!) is it temptation. I am cynical in general but I dont think my friend even thinks I won't mind, she just doesnt care if I mind or not.

thecats I can see the difference there.