To think being a grandma who's adored requires effort, and you're not just entitled to it by virtue of being related?

[GunpowderGelatine]

My mum lives abroad and visits us (me and DC aged 2 and 5) once a year for 3 days. She comes to the UK for a week, and spends the other 4 days with friends. She's young, retired and wealthy and is only a 90 minute plane ride away so distance, time and money aren't an issue. The reason she visits so little was that she didn't like to leave the dog - who recently died, but still no mention of increased visits. She FaceTimes once a week, which is nice but she always expects the kids to give her undivided attention, and often asks my DD (5) to 'perform' for her. For example she'll tell her to count to ten in Spanish or show her what she learnt at ballet class. This embarrasses DD, who usually refuses and then this offends my mum - even though I explain she won't even do these things for me. DD isn't fussed about my mum calling or visiting, doesn't get excited. There's no relationship that's built there.

To avoid drip feeding, we would visit her but for reasons I don't want to go into, we can't/won't because of her husband. The children wouldn't be safe. I'd visit if he was away, he visits his home country 3 times a year for a week, and I'd go visit her then but she always goes with him.

MIL on the other hand is the dream grandma - she sees them at least once a week, frequently babysits, speaks to them on their level and has spent years building up and great relationship. They worship her and she's earned it! It's much easier because she lives 10 minutes away. We all recently went on holiday and MIL put pictures on Facebook. My mum is upset, yet again, that they see so much of MIL and love her in a way they don't seem to love my mum. She has fond memories of very close relations with her own grandparents and I think she thought that's what she's get with mine?

But AIBU to think that she doesn't just get equal 'status' as MIL when she doesn't put the effort in? She implies that they would have a natural sort of connection but it seems to be me who doesn't encourage it. She's seen DS twice in his life, DD 5 times. She doesn't know them, when she's here she doesn't play with them (as opposed to MIL who spends half the time playing horsey with them)! AIBU to think that kind of relationship with anyone, especially children, needs to be earned?

I kind of see where you're going with this OP but have you had a heartfelt discussion with your mum about this? That you want to see more of her (without her husband)? See what she says in answer to that?

Your post is fair enough but it also seems to me to be a 'call for validation' of how you feel. It can't help but be projected onto your children either, a parent's relationship with other people colours what their children think too.

If you're wiling to make the effort - and your mum is too -- then this could be fixed really. Relationship with MIL is fine and dandy but this is your mum; that's another ball game. By the same token that grandparents should make an effort with their grandchildren, so should the parents make that effort to foster those relationships too. Or let them go and don't be disappointed later on when those don't exist from any side.

Difficult. But fixable I think.

Yanbu, I lived fairly close to both sets of grandparents growing up however I had the better relationship with my DM’s mum. This was because her and gf put the effort in I stayed weekly, went on several holidays and many days out with them and was heartbroken when she died at only 67.
My dfs parents just didn’t put the effort in and just wanted us to perform and look perfect to show us off when it suited them. The sad thing is I haven’t seen my dg for years, she is suffering dementia and lives in a home.

We don’t have the extreme of situation but something similar here. PILs FaceTime weekly and talk to the children, ask them to see what toys they’re olaying with, even have props their end sometime to help (a puppet or something). When my parents FaceTime (less frequently) they don’t listen to my children and try to sustain an adult conversation with me. When they visit, engagement is similar, but my mum gets upset they don’t want to sit on her knee and read a story and doesn’t seem to understand the relationship between effort in and out...

(Oh and guess which one has a Facebook wall full of “share this if you heart your grandchildren” )

YANBU
She will ask them to do things that make them uncomfortable and doesn't really know them as she rarely visits? Only she can correct that.
Sounds like she is just jealous of your MIL. If MIL were not so involved, she'd probably not be bothered at all. You reap what you sow. Surprised people still do not get that. Effort in leads to good relationship with GCs. Very simple really.

I agree with you in principle, but you would need to have this discussion with your mum. Maybe she would love to come over and see them more often but doesn’t want to intrude?

Thanks @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - yes she knows of visit more if her husband wasn't there but she never takes me up on it. I try hard not to project but it's very hard and I think from her it's a mix of not being very good with children and probably not being that bothered about them in the first place.

Oh and guess which one has a Facebook wall full of “share this if you heart your grandchildren

Yes!! Same here, I know she tells people that me and her are besties and that the kids adore her, she's very into performing for her friends. One of her friend's DD's once told me how lucky I am to have a mum who is so involved in my life - I was  made me wonder what she says to people

YANBU
This might sound harsh, but is there any point even having a conversation with her around this? She has prioritised both her dog and her husband over a closer relationship with your family. All her choices.
Your MIL on the other hand sounds like a treasure.

Maybe she would love to come over and see them more often but doesn’t want to intrude?

This is definitely what she's say if I broached the subject but it's always been made clear that she's welcome any time. I think because we refuse to visit her, and don't budge on that decision, the infrequent visits are partly a statement of spite.

She is quite like this though - she rang me at work a couple of weeks ago to ask if DD would prefer green slime or blue slime forChristmas. When I said "Either but I'm at work don't call me unless it's an emergency" she claimed she didn't want to get it wrong in case I shouted at her for getting the wrong colour?!!?! I have never shouted at her, and is nothing like what I'd ever do, I don't know why she says these things or makes me out to be so bloody ridiculous that I'd do that

How is your relationship with her?

Sometimes when you have kids it opens your eyes. People whose behaviour you just accepted, when they do it to your kids, you think...no. No I won’t guilt my kids into ‘performing’ the perfect GC role for you.

Sounds like she’s pretty self absorbed. Which is up to her. Your kids have an amazing grandma in your MIL which is lovely. Celebrate MIL, and pay your ‘D’M as much attention / priority as she pays you.

I completely agree. If you don’t spend time or engage with someone, you can’t really form a relationship. My MIL loves the idea of being a fantastic granny; looking at her fb posts you’d assume she was an awesome, hands-on grandma. In reality the kids don’t really know her. She lives abroad, barely visits (maybe 3 times in 10 years), doesn’t Skype or call the kids. Since they were born she’s been talking about how she can’t wait till they’re old enough to be put on a plane alone, so she can have them for a holiday. It ain’t happening! The kids don’t know her and she doesn’t know them.

You're totally right, of course. Relationships aren't all about the Christmas and birthday special occasions. They're about jumping in puddles, cuddles and time. I'm in a similar situation where one set of gparents puts the time in and the other don't bother at all. They're not Facebook types, but I'm quite sure they paint themselves as top gparents socially. As opposed to not seeing them for 6 months at a time (they live 5 minutes away)

I had the most wonderful relationship with my grandma. She was totally invested in our (I have a sister) lives and happiness. We saw her very regularly, she looked after us frequently, we loved being with her, she was a magical human being.

Conversely, I wasn't close to my 'other' grandma, she wasn't that interested in us, lacked warmth and we never stayed with her.

You really do have to earn a child's love and 'other grandma' didn't make the effort and therefore she wasn't rewarded with our unconditional love and adoration.

My own mother is a rubbish grandma, doesn't make the effort at all, not interested, but the other day she lamented to me that she felt v upset over the last bank holiday weekend that she wasn't spending it with loving grandchildren. She thinks her grandchildren wanting to spend time with her should be a given. It's not

I agree OP. My 3 year old prefers my parents to me and my husband! They have always spent hours sitting down on the floor playing with her, reading to her, and giving her their undivided attention. They don't complain if she sneaks into their bed in the night when they or we are visiting. They've helped look after her when she is sick. They seem to have a lot more patience than me! It does tire them out but also now she's getting a bit older they are getting much more back from her, she tells them she loves them and is very loving and affectionate to them. It's lovely to see and entirely down to the effort they have put in.

My PIL live an hours cheap flight away and have only seen our 1 year old once, when we visited them. It's a shame, I am always asking my husband if he wants to invite them over more but there's always a reason they can't. I guess I can't force it but seeing how nice the relationship is with my parents, I think it would be lovely to have it on both sides.

It sounds as if your mother is punishing you for not wanting to come over and have your children around her husband. I know you don’t want to go into it but I imagine this is where the crux of this actually lies. I’m assuming he’s a pedophile or similar and she maintains he isn’t and you’re hysterical. She then expects your dcs to act in a certain way just because they’re blood related.

If I’m right I don’t know how you can really brooch the subject with her as it will be a massive trigger and cause more resentment from her. If I’m wrong yes, a heart to heart about seeing the children more regularly would be good as would talking to your dcs about grandma from abroad. That is if you’re interested in them having a relationship with her.

Tbh someone, who is willing to put my dd in danger is not someone I would choose to spend a lot of time around mother or not.

Once a year for three days is pitiful imo if she has the time & money.

Good on your daughter for sayng no to the performing & shame on your mum if she keeps asking.

Perhaps your MIL could block/limit what your mum can see on her FB?

My MIL would tell anyone who would listen about her wonderful GC & how much she misses the.

We have been abroad for nearly 20yrs & they have never visited!!

You can imagine that we did our best, but once kids are in school & with limited work holidays, flying being pricey for all of us so driving necessary plus accomodation...

Whereas they could have flown over & stayed with us!

With that level of interaction, she'll be a fairly inconsequential figure in the children's thoughts. Affection from grandchildren grows with time spent together, but also the depth of interaction when they do get together.

I wonder whether your mother is trying to emotionally blackmail you into visiting her more frequently, in order to prove a point about her husband. You're absolutely right to have the children's safety as your highest priority, of course.

I agree with you OP, about 90%.

But do remember that some people are better at different ages. My mum was great with us, and our kids, when younger. But she doesn't get teenagers as well. She still wants to talk to DD like she did when she was a kid.

Some people will be great with your kids no matter what age, or not great at any age. Others may wax and wane a little. But whether it's just for a while, or for life, it does take the adult really making the effort to make that relationship develop.

I agree to some extent, but...I also agree with KickAssAngel that sometimes relationships come into their own at different stages, and this definitely changes over time. I think my children get on better with MIL now they are older and can respond/interact themselves rather than being forced to perform on cue. Also, although I wouldn't say my children's GP's are equally close, the ones who are farther away nevertheless are very important- they offer a lot of approval, say they love the kids, and that all adds to the children's sense of being important, even if they only spent a few days together once a year due to being abroad. This can be valuable if different than a GP who is down the road.

What I'd say is don't write it all off yet. There may be value in this GP relationship. What you say about her husband is very concerning though and probably means the whole relationship will struggle unless she can put him to one side.

Why doesn't she or why don't you suggest she comes over during the summer for a couple of weeks or more? Could she stop with you for a good stretch?
Another idea would be a cruise holiday together.....we have family abroad and this works brilliantly with grandparents. The ships have facilities for kids - clubs etc.....everyone has a great time. If your kids aren't safe around the DH this is a major spanner in the works for togetherness OP.

It's true that the visiting GP does have to put in the effort. Both sets of GPs live away from us and they both make the effort when they see the kids to chat and play with them. It's about investing time and can be done even with limited visits. It's the quality of the visit when it happens.

We only see my mum a few times a year, but when we do we go on day trips with the kids, mum loves to walk with the children. She does crafts with them, asks DD all about Minecraft etc (poor mum doesn't have a clue, but loves to chat to DD). Same with my dad who we see even less. He's always building lego with the kids, doing drawing with them etc, they have shared memories building up.

Unfortunately you can't force your mum to get involved with the children.

I'm on the fence with this and think your mum should make more effort.
However, I disagree that she isn't equal status, she's the children's grandparent the same as mil.

Can you speak to her and tell her because of her dh it isn't safe to visit, and of course she is free to visit more often if she wants to.

I know mil has "earned" her place, but I don't think it's something you earn anymore than you have a God given right just because you are related.