Ok, so I have name changed, but some of you may recognise me from details I give. Don't know what to do and just wanted some advise and just a sound off as am so upset I cant sleep and am constantly on the verge of tears.
I love kids and everyone remarks how 'broody' I am around babies, have always been good around them but never babysat overnight/changed nappies etc, but find them adorable, zone in on them the same way as a puppy or kitten, and find them incredible.
Never had much of an opinion re having them myself and never really had a serious relationship through teens and twenties so didn't really cross my mind, just presumed I would one day as that's what people do
Some point in early 20s I declared I wasn't having any as I just never saw it happening, a series of shit relationships I moved abroad and was just enjoying life with no cares and responsibilities
Mid 20s met my now husband, he was keen on kids and I felt I was too, and presumed I had just never met the right person before, as never dreamed of getting married never mind having kids.
So we got married, talked about this hypothetical child(ren) and even toyed with names, but it was always 'one day'.
Lots of ups and downs moving house, still rent, illness, and time off work, and we come to the last year or so.
Husband has made various remarks about 'not that we'll ever have kids...' and has been light-heartedly discussed as just not being something we see happening.
I have had bad spells of depression signing me off work and am only just feeling 'myself again'. Husband lost his job due to ill health, we went through a tribunal and he has been diagnosed with anxiety/depressions/borderline personality disorder, and I have supported him but he hasn't worked in almost 4 years, is frequently very depressed, and often doesn't leave the house, and I admit it can be hard for me to deal with, but I love him dearly and try so hard to help support him and make him happy
A few months back the topic of children came up again and I said it wasn't that I hated them or the idea or anything, just that circumstances being what they are, and I realise there is no 'perfect time' to have kids, but that I just couldn't see it happening.
He said he was sad to think that but we seemed to have an understanding that money was an issue, we like our freedom and that it wasn't likely to happen, but we enjoy so many other things, we holiday as much as we can, we have a nephew we see, and a cat we dote on, so not the same, but life in general was good. I even said I would understand if he wanted to be with someone else and have kids, as much as it would kill me to split up, but he said he never would because he loves me, and will just accept things as they are as no one gets everything they want in life, and that we do lots of other great things and are happy together. I thought we were ok until recently
As part of his therapy he is trying to address things that bother him, and how to deal with them, such as his weight gain, lack of employment, lack of money, feels he doesn't contribute to the household etc. He brings up that he is unhappy that we won't have kids and he doesn't know how he will ever get over it, and why cant we have a puppy or a(nother) cat instead, as he 'needs something to care for as we wont have kids'
I tried to talk to him but he says he doesn't want to as he will just get angry about it, and 'theres fuck all I can do about it anyway'. I tried to explain that we should discuss it though, I don't know if he thinks I just refuse children but I feel like he feels I am doing it just to upset him as stupid as that sounds and I would never do that I just am terrified at the thought of committing to raising a whole person and I don't feel we could cope
I've tried to get him to talk about it and he doesn't want to as he doesn't see it changing the outcome, but I want to explain WHY. I don't just refuse to have children, the idea of a baby and pregnancy does appeal to me, but I feel we are not in a stable position to have a child, a person, someone who will be around forever, someone dependant on us forever
He isn't working and we just about get by on my income, with a little put aside for a rainy day.
I worry about our mental health. I have been back at work for 18 months now, but still have days I struggle, days I just want to hide away and cry, days I have to force myself to get out of bed, or dressed, or eat, and how would I cope with a child?
How would he cope? He is a heavy sleeper and gets annoyed when he is tired, the cat winds him up when she is fussing for attention but what about a child, we cant leave them home, or ignore them when we want peace.
we don't own a house and I cant see it happening deposits are so expensive, and it is stressful enough renting and having to move but what about with a child?
what is the child hates me?
what f I get PND and DH is having a bad time and he cant cope either?
I know nothing is ever perfect but I just cant see us being able to deal with a child anytime soon, and i'm not about to just sit and keeping 'promising' 'maybe one day' but equally I feel like I am responsible for ruining his life, taking away his choices.
He asked when I decided I didn't want a baby and I said it wasn't a conscious decision one day, any day, I just cant see it being something that could happen.
He wont talk to me, I cant sleep, I feel like utter shit, we never argue and rarely disagree on anything, and I feel like if I push him to talk its just making me feel even worse and the one who is to blame because when we got married I said (and did) I wanted kids.
Its just real now and we have issued ourselves we struggle to deal with I just don't want to lose my husband and I don't know how we would cope with a child
sorry, its on my desktop not my phone so I know this will be super long
I feel terrible, I never decided 'I know what I will do to piss off my husband, i'll refuse to have babies'
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babies and marriage (v v v long)
10 replies
feelinglikeshite · 29/10/2018 12:57
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