babies and marriage (v v v long)
feelinglikeshite · 29/10/2018 12:57
Ok, so I have name changed, but some of you may recognise me from details I give. Don't know what to do and just wanted some advise and just a sound off as am so upset I cant sleep and am constantly on the verge of tears.
I love kids and everyone remarks how 'broody' I am around babies, have always been good around them but never babysat overnight/changed nappies etc, but find them adorable, zone in on them the same way as a puppy or kitten, and find them incredible.
Never had much of an opinion re having them myself and never really had a serious relationship through teens and twenties so didn't really cross my mind, just presumed I would one day as that's what people do
Some point in early 20s I declared I wasn't having any as I just never saw it happening, a series of shit relationships I moved abroad and was just enjoying life with no cares and responsibilities
Mid 20s met my now husband, he was keen on kids and I felt I was too, and presumed I had just never met the right person before, as never dreamed of getting married never mind having kids.
So we got married, talked about this hypothetical child(ren) and even toyed with names, but it was always 'one day'.
Lots of ups and downs moving house, still rent, illness, and time off work, and we come to the last year or so.
Husband has made various remarks about 'not that we'll ever have kids...' and has been light-heartedly discussed as just not being something we see happening.
I have had bad spells of depression signing me off work and am only just feeling 'myself again'. Husband lost his job due to ill health, we went through a tribunal and he has been diagnosed with anxiety/depressions/borderline personality disorder, and I have supported him but he hasn't worked in almost 4 years, is frequently very depressed, and often doesn't leave the house, and I admit it can be hard for me to deal with, but I love him dearly and try so hard to help support him and make him happy
A few months back the topic of children came up again and I said it wasn't that I hated them or the idea or anything, just that circumstances being what they are, and I realise there is no 'perfect time' to have kids, but that I just couldn't see it happening.
He said he was sad to think that but we seemed to have an understanding that money was an issue, we like our freedom and that it wasn't likely to happen, but we enjoy so many other things, we holiday as much as we can, we have a nephew we see, and a cat we dote on, so not the same, but life in general was good. I even said I would understand if he wanted to be with someone else and have kids, as much as it would kill me to split up, but he said he never would because he loves me, and will just accept things as they are as no one gets everything they want in life, and that we do lots of other great things and are happy together. I thought we were ok until recently
As part of his therapy he is trying to address things that bother him, and how to deal with them, such as his weight gain, lack of employment, lack of money, feels he doesn't contribute to the household etc. He brings up that he is unhappy that we won't have kids and he doesn't know how he will ever get over it, and why cant we have a puppy or a(nother) cat instead, as he 'needs something to care for as we wont have kids'
I tried to talk to him but he says he doesn't want to as he will just get angry about it, and 'theres fuck all I can do about it anyway'. I tried to explain that we should discuss it though, I don't know if he thinks I just refuse children but I feel like he feels I am doing it just to upset him as stupid as that sounds and I would never do that I just am terrified at the thought of committing to raising a whole person and I don't feel we could cope
I've tried to get him to talk about it and he doesn't want to as he doesn't see it changing the outcome, but I want to explain WHY. I don't just refuse to have children, the idea of a baby and pregnancy does appeal to me, but I feel we are not in a stable position to have a child, a person, someone who will be around forever, someone dependant on us forever
He isn't working and we just about get by on my income, with a little put aside for a rainy day.
I worry about our mental health. I have been back at work for 18 months now, but still have days I struggle, days I just want to hide away and cry, days I have to force myself to get out of bed, or dressed, or eat, and how would I cope with a child?
How would he cope? He is a heavy sleeper and gets annoyed when he is tired, the cat winds him up when she is fussing for attention but what about a child, we cant leave them home, or ignore them when we want peace.
we don't own a house and I cant see it happening deposits are so expensive, and it is stressful enough renting and having to move but what about with a child?
what is the child hates me?
what f I get PND and DH is having a bad time and he cant cope either?
I know nothing is ever perfect but I just cant see us being able to deal with a child anytime soon, and i'm not about to just sit and keeping 'promising' 'maybe one day' but equally I feel like I am responsible for ruining his life, taking away his choices.
He asked when I decided I didn't want a baby and I said it wasn't a conscious decision one day, any day, I just cant see it being something that could happen.
He wont talk to me, I cant sleep, I feel like utter shit, we never argue and rarely disagree on anything, and I feel like if I push him to talk its just making me feel even worse and the one who is to blame because when we got married I said (and did) I wanted kids.
Its just real now and we have issued ourselves we struggle to deal with I just don't want to lose my husband and I don't know how we would cope with a child
sorry, its on my desktop not my phone so I know this will be super long
I feel terrible, I never decided 'I know what I will do to piss off my husband, i'll refuse to have babies'
feelinglikeshite · 29/10/2018 13:00
BTW at work so posted at lunch and will check back later, just needed to get it out
Namechanged123456 · 29/10/2018 13:09
I think he needs to try and see things from your prospective, which maybe hard if he’s depressed.
After I had my first, I got terrible pnd and my Husband played such a big part in supporting us and helping me “get better” I can’t imagine getting through that if he had been depressed too. I didn’t get pnd with my second but was still all over the place after she was born, I wouldn’t have been able to look after a toddler newborn and depressed husband. For what it’s worth, I think you are absolutely doing what’s best for you, unborn child and your husband.
could you sit down and have a serious chat and explain yourself? Don’t feel bad about wanting to talk, you might have said you wanted children before you got married but the situation was different then
SushiMonster · 29/10/2018 13:17
Objectively it sounds like you are both barley coping with ‘life’ as it is, let alone in a position to provide a good home life for a child.
It would be naive to think that having a child would bring about an improvement in his MH.
You say you love him and want to support him - but how much of yourself are you willing to sacrifice at the alter of his depression?
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 29/10/2018 13:20
What a difficult situation. A lot of things you describe are fears above and beyond what many people have. One sentence stood out to me - the idea of a pregnancy and baby appeals.to you. So while it's natural to feel apprehensive, being SOOOO scared I feel needs exploring.
Many people don't have their lives sorted for decades to come and they have kids and manage. You WOULD manage if you really wanted to take the leap.
If you don't feel down, that's your right. But I must admit I would feel the same as your husband, if I had had the impression from you it would probably happen one day.
I hope you come to a.mutual understanding somehow and your relationship doesn't break down.
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 29/10/2018 13:23
I'm sorry, I comp lately missed the part about your husband not working and his mh issues. Yes, that puts a different spin on things. Sorry if my last post came across harsh at all.
AllSouls · 29/10/2018 13:23
Husband lost his job due to ill health, we went through a tribunal and he has been diagnosed with anxiety/depressions/borderline personality disorder, and I have supported him but he hasn't worked in almost 4 years, is frequently very depressed, and often doesn't leave the house, and I admit it can be hard for me to deal with, but I love him dearly and try so hard to help support him and make him happy
But you are perfectly correct not to have a baby you're far from sure you want in these deeply un-ideal circumstances, financially and emotionally. Also, it's not your job to make your DH either on your own or by 'giving' him a baby, especially when you will be the one supporting them both in all senses. Tell him to get himself into a position where he's stable and solvent and not entirely dependent on you for a period of time, and then you will discuss it properly, in the context of a conversation about the detail of what life would be like if you had a child -- how do you pay for maternity leave and childcare, if you both work? Or is he prepared to be a SAHP? Does he realise this means he can't 'have a bad day', that a baby hasn't the slightest interest in his emotional frailties, and that he will be coping on less sleep than he ever dreamed possible?
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/10/2018 13:28
What Sushi said in that last line!
It doesn't matter why not, you just haven't got to the 'having kids' point in your lives. His depression does not give him the right to blame you for that, or to treat you so shabbily. He is, after all, an adult who is minimally 50% responsible for where you are as a couple!
You need to have time to separate your feelings about what you personally want from what the two of you want together.
He needs to talk more, act as though the two of you are a partnership, rather than combatants. His depression does not give him a free pass for that! It sounds as though he has forgotten the reason why he is thinking about many issues - for him to deal with them, not to park them at your doorstep. Has he told his therapist this?
Mostly though, no matter how much you love him you cannot follow your desire to make him happy to the extent it makes you unhappy.
Laureline · 29/10/2018 14:25
Having a baby is not a cure for a struggling relationship- on the contrary.
From what I read about your DH and your situation, you are right to not wsnt to bring ng a child into the mix.
You don’t sound very happy with him. Make sure you don’t watch your life go by, and regret staying with him out of duty.
Perfectpeony · 29/10/2018 14:42
Do you mind me asking how old you are OP?
It sounds like you have really thought about this and all the responsibilities that come with having a child. Which is great as many people don’t and then get a massive shock when they have to deal with a baby.
Everything you have said is very valid. I’m so sorry your husband is experiencing such bad depression, I have had family members with it so I understand how hard it can be. What is he long term plan RE managing this? Does he have a timeline for getting back into work? Is there potential for extra training or working at home?
As a PP has said, your happiness is important too and you need to look after yourself first.
Do you want children? But just not with this man? It sounds like he doesn’t understand the realities of having a child and the impact it would have on his and yours mental health. My husband and I don’t have those issues and even we have struggled is huge amount with a newborn, it puts a strain on the strongest of relationships.
feelinglikeshite · 29/10/2018 16:39
Thanks all, heading home to have a read through responses.
For those that asked, we are mid 30s, yes I'm happy with DH, and I'm on the fence re children due to current circumstances, but it's definitely not the case that I definitely want them just not with my DH, its more I was always undecided but he wanted them so I too envisaged them too, together, one day
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