Aibu to bedshare or swaddle a newborn?

[Mrsharper88]

I have a two week old baby who won't settle unless he is being held. He will wake after 5 minutes of being put down in his Moses basket or next to me crib.

I had previously been told by midwives and health visitors that it was ok to bedshare as long as I followed the safety guidance (no loose sheets etc). I had done this since he was born although i never felt fully safe. Last night I swaddled him and put him in his crib and he slept for an hour at a time which is not as good as bedsharing but much better than he would normally do.

A health visitor visited today and told me I am not allowed to bedshare OR swaddle my baby. She also said I am not allowed to use the next to me crib with the side down or a sleepyhead overnight. This has really worried me as I know he won't sleep at all without these things and I'm really struggling to get any sleep as it. The exhaustion is making me unwell.

So aibu to bedshare or swaddle the newborn? And if I am BU then WWYD? Xx

I co-slept with both my DD’s from day one. It seemed far more natural. I’ve also swaddled babies and most midwives I’ve worked with swaddle babies I’m hospital. Health visitors are notorious for strange “advice”. I sat with my sister when her HV visited and I was aghast at the amount of untruths she said! Ignore what has been said, no one should be demanding to see where baby sleeps unless there is a safeguarding query. Sleep with your baby and fc you’ll both get a few hours xx

YANBU. It's all about weighing up different risks. After I got a fright nearly falling asleep sitting up when I got up to feed newborn DS1, we took the approach that planning for safe co-sleeping had to be safer than accidental and unsafe co-sleeping.

We took the side of our Ikea cot off, cut the legs down to even out the mattress heights, and ratchet-strapped it to the side of the bed to make a co-sleeper. We made sure the two mattresses were firmly touching and I filled the far end gap with more baby mattress foam cut in a strip (I've seen advice to use a pool noodle or yoga blocks as well). Neither of us smoke or take drugs anyway and never co-slept after having any booze. It was great because neither of us could roll into the cot by accident, so baby stayed in the cot, we stayed in our bed, and I heaved myself and my boobs over every so often...

'Not allowed'? Balderdash! You do what works for you! Make sure you're aware of how to co sleep safely-the lullaby trust website has some advice and there are lots of Facebook groups you can join. I've coslept with 3 of my 4.

You are "allowed" to do whatever you want. If you wanted to drink a 10 pack of lager, wrap the baby in a snowsuit and put it under the duvet it's not illegal. I wouldn't recommend it but you could!

What you have been told is not current guidance. It's considered best to give parents information and let them make the decision they feel is best.

What you should know is that it is safest for babies to sleep on their own in a cot feet to foot. Unfortunately as you've found babies don't always agree that it's best.

Swaddling isn't against current guidance but becomes unsafe once babies start to roll, so be aware of that. You shouldn't swaddle and bedshare, it's thought to be an unsafe combination, but it's OK to swaddle if they're in their own space.

Sleepyheads are a bit controversial at the moment because they contravene "firm, flat surface", yet claim to be safe and breathable. The problem is that breathable doesn't have any legal standard associated with it, it's a completely unregulated term. No babies have died in sleepyheads but they are also not proven to be safe. You can make your own judgement here, but make sure to follow the instructions, especially guidance about when baby starts to roll.

The next to me crib counts as a separate bed whether the side is down or not. Again it's important to read and follow the instructions but these products are considered safe and do follow strict regulations.

If you choose to co-sleep with the baby in the adult bed you need to be aware an adult bed is not designed with a baby's safety in mind so the safety is yours to ascertain.

• Baby still needs a firm flat surface (never fall asleep on a chair, sofa, waterbed, etc or have them on top of pillows/duvet)
• Soft/loose coverings to be kept away from their face
• Make sure they can't roll out or into any gaps
• All adults in the bed need to be aware, sober, non-smokers, no children, no pets.
• Dress the baby lightly so they are not restricted in movement and don't overheat.

Co-sleeping following these guidelines is MUCH SAFER than unsafe, unplanned co-sleeping which is what happens out of desperation when parents feel shamed by health professionals. Some studies even show it is as safe as cot sleeping, but we don't really have enough data on this to be sure.

You can never eliminate all risk with whatever you do so it's about feeling comfortable with what you decide.

Good luck!

If she really did say that you are "not allowed", then I would strongly advise you to make a complaint about that, because that was appallingly bad practice and she needs some pretty urgent training.

Midwife or Health Visitor? You've referred to her as both.

The safest thing is to sleep flat in own bed. But some babies just WILL NOT sleep like this. Then it becomes the lesser of two evils - is it really going to be safe when you're driving around with your baby on just a couple of hours sleep a night? My baby got a lot of colds when they were little and just wouldn't sleep unless on me or touching me. I preserved with the moses basket but didn't feel safe driving and ended up falling asleep breastfeeding when I hadn't meant to. We did safe Co sleeping. I think if you're breastfeeding as well this lessens the risk. There are numerous factors that contribute to sids and I just eliminated as many of them as I could. I kept the heating on low in the night and wore a big hoodie so I didnt need a duvet and followed all the other advice. It helped us for a while.

One thing that did improve things when we tried the baby in the cot was a love to dream 50 50 swaddle. It is like a baby sleeping bag but just tighter around their tummy and keeps their arms up near their face and then you can gradually get their arms out to get them used to a standard sleeping bag. They are natural material and have and tog rating so you know they aren't too hot. I can't see what the issue is with this.

Health visitors have to tell you only to sleep flat on back in own cot as it's technically too hehe safest way, they can't really be pragmatic and weigh up risks of depression or crashing the car as youre so tired etc, as if anything happened they would be leaving themselves open to a lawsuit for wrongful advice. They are just giving advice - you DO NOT have to take it. They are not the police and you do not have to tell tell them the truth either. As long as you are aware of all the risks and benefits of actions you take, then it's up to you

Be careful what 'advice' you rely on, even from health visitors. Weigh up things you have been told with other sources of information as people can be wrong, it's your child and your choice, as long as you're not being abusive etc. Oh, and when ds1 was born a midwife swaddled him!

On the other hand, when ds3 was a baby he was always a big baby and very hungry, think 95th centile on the baby weight chart. By the time he was 14 weeks old I couldn't keep him full but persevered. At 16 weeks he fed (on milk) for 2 hours and looked like continuing forever, so we introduced solids (after 2 weeks of agonising as advice was no earlier than 6 months). He had 2 spoonfuls of baby rice and quarter of a rusk, all mixed with my milk. (Surprised there was any left to express for him!)

My hv was helping me with my depression at the time and with much trepidation when I next saw her mentioned ds3 eating and why. She practically shrugged, said she fully understood why we made the decision and supported me. Also said she was surprised we hadn't introduced solids earlier!

I was surprised she hadn't 'come down hard' on me and berated me for weaning too early, but she had known ds since birth and knew he needed solids probably more than we did. This was a hv who understood not all babies are the same, not all parents are the same and guidelines are guidelines, they don't fit every child and circumstance. (It feels like ds3 has been on 6 square meals a day ever since.)

Congratulations on your new baby. It is a difficult time having a little human relying on you for every little thing, but he will grow up and become more independent all too soon - things do change. And I had 4 dc who wanted to be up in someone's arms 24/7, hard to get them to sleep in any kind of baby equipment, now I have 2 free hands to type on MN with! (Youngest is now 8, but sometimes he still holds my hand walking along the street )

Midwife or Health Visitor? You've referred to her as both.**

• health visitor. I had been visited by a different health visitor at the end of my pregnancy and I felt that overall she was positive about bedsharing and she directed me to the lullaby trust so I could do my own research. The same goes for my midwife when I was pregnant. That's why it came as such a shock to me that this health visitor was so firm about me not being allowed to do it. I had never enquired about swaddling, next to me crib or sleepyhead before though as I didn't realise there could be any risk factors with them

It seems like the advice she gave may be outdated and I am wondering whether to make a complaint or leave feedback.

Thank you for all the advice and research to look at, I feel like I was not BU and can carry on bedsharing or swaddling with awareness of how to minimise the risks and hopefully get a bit of sleep xx

If your option is safe cosleeping/swaddling or being so knackered you fall asleep holding the baby on the sofa, it's an obvious choice to me. Non swaddled, on their back, in a Moses basket is great, and likely ideal but few and far between are up for that in the early days.

Read all you can, all the guidelines and make your decision following them.