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To feel bad about this?

20 replies

ilovepuppys · 28/10/2018 20:13

I was sat at work yesterday when I received a text off a friend, asking when I was next free. Let's call her Jane. Jane is in her 50's and I met her though church as I used to go with my parents when I was a teenager! I am now early 20's. Jane means very well but can be rather full on. I love meeting her but sometimes find it tiring especially as I am 23 weeks pregnant at the moment and work full time!
I replied to Jane saying I had a day off tomorrow( which is now today ) and on Monday, but had to stay late at work as there was a wedding going on at the hotel where I work and may need to stay until around 1am!
Got a message back asking if I can pick her up before 10am and take her to coffee, which I usually would agree to but I asked if we could do later due to me having a very late finish!
Jane then was a bit put out - stating ' we'll pick me up at 4 and we will get some coffee'
Which sounded nice so I agreed of course!
Urgh... This morning I woke up feeling completely drained and with a bad sore throat, texted Jane as soon as I woke up apologising and saying I would probably have to spend the day in bed and can we do tomorrow? She then went on to say ' well I find that disappointing...' Woke up to find missed calls and texts saying 'don't worry about picking me up and going out, I'll just get a cab to your house!!' thank goodness I woke up then to explain I was very sorry but planning to spend the day in bed as felt very poorly. Got a reply saying ' well I had some important things to discuss with you to do with your pregnancy '
I just feel bad that I let her down! But feel slightly annoyed that if I hadn't have seen that text when I did she would still be over and I'd have to be making her tea and coffee and dinner??? Please help Aibu? I'm usually so relaxed about everything but can't stop feeling irritated. Sorry again for the massive message x

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/10/2018 20:17

You are calling her 'full on', but I would say this woman has no sense of boundaries. Ideally, you would nip this in the bud, as I suspect she might up the ante when your baby is born, and someone else (baby) has your attention. I would try to cool things with her a bit, but nicely, if at all possible.

ilovepuppys · 28/10/2018 20:20

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants I think your right! However this lady is rather lonely and has no other support except her husband. Also feel obliged to maintain contact as my mum was always very kind and friendly to her before she sadly passed away a few years ago ☹️

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/10/2018 20:25

So, she does have a long suffering husband then, so not all alone in the world. You are not obliged to carry on what your mum started. Sorry you have lost her. That was her choice, and if she is steam-rollering your boundaries, keeping in contact may not be in your best interests. If you feel you need to back off from her, it will be her behaviour that made it necessary.

HoneyWheeler · 28/10/2018 20:29

Something similar happened to me a few years ago, but I sadly didn't handle it very well. I was not as good at holding my boundaries strong as I am now, and ended up spending doing too much time with someone I didn't really have much in common with!

My advice would be to think about your boundaries and to do what is best for you - you have bigger fish to fry at the moment, expecting your own baby, and your needs and wants need to come first. It is sad that she doesn't have more support but that is not your responsibility. Compassion and detachment.

Just remember that just because she wants to meet up, doesn't mean it has to be convenient for you!

HildaZelda · 28/10/2018 20:33

Jesus! Block her NOW or you won't get a moments peace when you're baby is born.
I'm not surprised she has no support from anyone else to be honest.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/10/2018 20:39

She has probably exhausted all her other friendships by being demanding and making it all about her. Whilst I wouldn't necessarily block her at this stage, as I suspect you want to feel that you gave her a chance, I feel that it will be difficult, if not impossible, to lay down some ground rules. She doesn't seem to be listening to what you need does she? You may end up having to block her, to concentrate on your baby. Be prepared for some histrionic behavior if you try to enforce better boundaries with her. Voice of bitter experience here...

HollowTalk · 28/10/2018 20:43

I want to know what she has to say! Is she going to propose she takes on a grandparent type of role?

ilovepuppys · 28/10/2018 20:44

Thanks for everyone's messages.

I find it very difficult to cut contact!
She messages me pretty much daily telling me what lovely things she has bought for the baby and now shes looking in to birthing classes for us to attend 

OP posts:
ilovepuppys · 28/10/2018 20:45

It know she means well by it!
I think it is because she knows I have no older female role models - nan sadly passed away a few years after mum did!

OP posts:
SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/10/2018 20:46

Do you want to go to birthing classes with her? If not, you need to put a stop to her looking....

Angrybird345 · 28/10/2018 20:48

She’s trying to be your mum!!

ilovepuppys · 28/10/2018 20:49

How do I stop all of this nicely?
She gets offended and upset very easily and I'm too much of a soft person to say anything and hate upsetting anyone

OP posts:
Flameless · 28/10/2018 20:50

Birthing classes? Fuck that. Is she expecting to be in the delivery room too?

Tistheseason17 · 28/10/2018 20:53

Just say, "thanks ever so much for your kind offer but DH and I are sorting xyz"

Just because she may buy your baby something nice does not make you obligated to her.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 28/10/2018 20:54

Sounds like she's trying to be a replacement mum to you

0lgaDaPolga · 28/10/2018 20:55

Bloody hell, I felt suffocated even reading that. She wants to attend birthing classes with you. Does she think she is going to be there at the birth?! It sounds like she wants to take over the role of your mum, especially if her life is a bit empty from the sounds of it. I would nip this in the bud now and dramatically decrease your contact with her.

JessieLemon · 28/10/2018 20:56

Birthing classes!?

Message her saying ‘I felt you were really overstepping your boundaries in stating you’d come to me house when I was too ill to meet you without my agreement. I think we should take some space for a while. Take care’

And bloody back off!

sophiec123 · 28/10/2018 20:57

I don't think you need to cut contact but maybe you could make it more aware that you like doing your own thing and being in control with what you do and when you do it. I am very much the same though when it comes to not wanting to offend people but when I was pregnant something just came over me, I had nothing to lose really and started being more abrupt with people (not in a rude way).. just more to the point rather than tiptoeing around things. You'll feel much better. You could say "I don't mind visiting you on this day..." "will only stay for so long as I have plans for the rest of the day".. don't make it known that you have no other plans. You could maybe say "I prefer coming to you, it gets me out of the house" that way you're in control of going there on your own accord etc

bringbackthestripes · 28/10/2018 21:17

now shes looking in to birthing classes for us to attend  Shock

I did have a “friend” slightly similar to this through work, I changed jobs and she continued to be far too full on. In the end I block her number so she couldn’t arrange meet ups. I eventually stopped reciprocating with Christmas & birthday cards and she must have finally got the hint because this year I didn’t get a card or ridiculously expensive gift. I spent months feeling guilty but now I am just relieved with occasional feelings of guilt.
You need to sort this now or your DC will be receiving gift after gift and you will never feel able to detach yourself for the guilt. You just need to message that it is weirdly inappropriate for her to even think that she needs to look into birthing classes as you will not be giving birth with her help and then just block. Concentrate on your own feelings of unease/ exhaustion / dread of her messages rather than her feelings.

JuliaJaynes9 · 28/10/2018 21:20

If you let her get her claws into you she will never let go

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