Smoking around children indoors

[passivesmoking]

My DS has come home from a week at his fathers today, and the clothes he was wearing are not from our house. They smell so strongly of an ash tray, I am just horrified.

This is an ongoing issue, and my ex has always ignored my concerns. They claim they smoke outside and occasionally out of the window. I have pointed out smoking out of the window is not acceptable countless times and it has made no difference.

Today my DS admitted they do smoke in the flat most of the time, and only occasionally out of the window. They smoke sitting on the sofa usually. What can I do about this, I suspect nothing . I am so angry about it. Would I be unreasonable to stop contact about this?

I wouldn't send him. If your ex wants to he can take it to court and explain why he thinks it is acceptable to smoke around a child.

As above. He doesn’t go there anymore

Get evidence of the dangerous of both passive smoking and inhaling carcinogens from the clothes and hair of smokers

Oh this really struck a chord with me. You have my full sympathies!

I don't think you should threaten to stop contact, though. Your son probably needs and wants to see his father. Also, if you over-react now, your son won't feel able to tell you about anything else that concerns him at his dad's.

I think the only thing you can do is try to reason with his dad. At the very least, even if it's not doing him any harm, it won't be doing him any good, and it's not a good role model for him either. Maybe you could also suggest that your son goes out of the room when his dad starts smoking, or that your son, himself, asks him to stop (although that might be quite difficult for him, and you don't say what age he is). If you are reasonable, your ex might be reasonable too, and alter his behaviour, even if he doesn't admit it to you.

When you split up from the other parent of your child, you have to accept some things, keep your nerve and pick your battles. I know this only too well. My ex-husband used to do all sorts of things that I considered highly dangerous when he was looking after our children, and I worried myself to a frazzle about it. They both survived their childhood, however.

I feel I can say this to you as I really do understand how you feel. I have no idea if the decisions I made, when I was in a similar situation to you, were the right ones. All I can say is I never minded people smoking until my daughter (aged 37) was diagnosed with lung cancer. Obviously, it's really difficult to say that one thing is the sole cause of something else, but her grandparents used to smoke in the house and car, and it might be possible that their smoking had something to do with her illness. But even if it didn't, it was still unpleasant for her, and she complained, many times, to me. I did nothing, and, to my shame, even told her to be more respectful when she complained to them.

However, her brother had to put up with it too, and he didn't get lung cancer. Also, there are many more environmental causes (diesel engines, for example, according to my daughter's consultant).

I don't know how helpful this is to you, as looking back I don't know if I should have acted or not. You will just have to rely on your own judgement. Good luck!

@Solopower1 Are you crazy????? He's being subjected to frequent secondhand smoke! You may call me whatever name you see fit but the FACT is that secondhand smoke CAN cause cancer - especially in children

OP you have my full sympathies.
Is there a court order?
My experience of court is they basically don’t care about shit but not technically abusive parenting. Even when it is abusive they don’t view it as an issue if contact is every other weekend or similar.

My son goes EOW to his dads. Comes back covered in flea bites every single time from his filthy house. Daddy and Daddy’s GF ‘always shouting until DSM cries’
We have a court order. Things were worse before and the judge still ordered the contact.
If he’s like my ex he’ll just lie and say you’re making it up and there’s no smoking at home, you won’t be able to prove it.

So (and it’s shit that this is your only option) I say your absolute best bet would be to reason with your ex and see if they can change their own behaviour. If your child is young enough perhaps a school nurse or HV could have a word about the dangers?

Sorry OP, I know how crap it is.