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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal?! What do I do??

21 replies

Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 09:07

DP (beem together 2 years, live together) has had a really tough few months.

Owes money, he's SE and business is slow, his car keeps breaking down and he is still grieving for someone.

He's still his usual self with me, kind etc., but he won't kiss me properly like he usee to and has gone off sex Sad

I tried to talk to him about it but he just said he felt really tense and edgy tuese days.

I'm trying to be supportive but at the same time I just feel a bit rejected and sterile. Like he doesnt love me the same way anymore.

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 28/10/2018 09:09

He sounds depressed

Sohardtochooseausername · 28/10/2018 09:09

It sounds like he might be depressed. Is he the kind of person who’d go to the doctor?

MrTrebus · 28/10/2018 09:10

Instead of taking it personally suggest taking him to the GP or seeing what you can do to bring more money in maybe if that's what's worrying him.

Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 09:12

I said he should go to his GP or maybe we could research him seeing a counsellor but he said no way, he doesnt need help, he knows what his issues are.

OP posts:
Unobtainable · 28/10/2018 09:25

Oh no, I had one of these:

  • depressed but wont get treatment
  • poor work situation but wont face it
  • finances a mess but wont tackle it
  • withdrawing from relationship but denies it

It’s a ‘head in the sand’ mentality that’s infuriating and pointless, as you can see what’s wrong but he wont admit it and so it gets worse.

I’d imagine he’s pushing you away because he feels like a failure. Does he say what he’s going to do to tackle all this?

AliceRR · 28/10/2018 09:27

It does sound like it’s about him rather than you OP and I can understand him not wanting help as DH is similar if ever he has had problems he doesn’t want to seek help. Not sure what to suggest other than try not to take it personally and that might make it easier for you and also you more likely to be able to help him.

Allthewaves · 28/10/2018 09:30

I'd say its not about you. He sounds incredibly stressed. If my business wasn't do well and I owed money that alone would make me retreat. Be supportive and loving, and try to remember it's not about you or your relationship it's all then other stuff.

Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 09:30

@Unobtainable

Spot on, it is head in the sand.

Its funny you mwntion feeling a failure because this thought only occured to me for the first time earlier.

I wondered if he feels emasculated in some way. This shouldnt matter but i make most of our income and i also recently had an important creative breakthrough.

I suddenly thought yesterday - may he feels that as a pressure in some way.

I just dont know what to do. As i say hes his normal nice self with me but he just feels so distant physically, he kisses me but its just lightly and quickly, he still hugs me and is physically affectionate (although not as much as before), just not really sexual and im starting to feel insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 09:57

It makes it worse that he otherwise seems his normal upbeat self

OP posts:
PollyFlinderz · 28/10/2018 10:00

I imagine your quite rightly feeling quite scared Clocktower and I think I’d be saying to DH that this can only go on for so long before he visits the Dr otherwise it’s just not fair on anyone in the house.

Unobtainable · 28/10/2018 10:01

Yes, he will feel incredibly emasculated by both your earning power and recent creative success when compared to his own situation. Its important for most men’s sense of pride to feel both powerful and successful and if he’s failing in this respect his libido will nose-dive.

How long have you known him? Has he always been like this or is it a recent problem? Was he successful and thriving when you met or was he simply pretending?

Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 10:04

@Unobtainable
Thank you, thats interesting. What can I do about him feeling emasculated?!

He's always been like this. He's a really fun and nice guy but has always struggled with money/periods out of work and making stuff happen in life, has always had stuff going wrong/breaking on him.

It doesnt bother me but maybe its getting him down.

OP posts:
Unobtainable · 28/10/2018 10:21

It’s not your job to fix him.

If he’s always been the victim, blaming others for his lack of success then this isnt going to suddenly change. It’ll always be ‘their’ fault and not his that his car breaks, people dont pay him, he cant get work etc..

Has it also occurred to you that he may be sabotaging your relationship by witholding intimacy, by making you feel unloved, undesired and therefore losing your self-esteem? By doing this, he’s rejecting you (while still being a nice guy), so that when you finish with him he can say to everyone “look! She dumped me for no reason! I’m a nice guy but she left. Poor me, this always happens to me, its not my fault...”

Just a thought.

Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 10:39

Your last one is an interesting thought but why would he be thinking of "when" i leave like he thinks that would happen?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 10:40

It annoys me because its like hes handling our relationship like everything else - refusing to face reality and work at correcting things, you know?

OP posts:
Unobtainable · 28/10/2018 11:37

Your last one is an interesting thought but why would he be thinking of "when" i leave like he thinks that would happen?!

Because that’s usually the outcome when you push someone away and reject them. It’s self sabotage so that he can appear blameless. In his mind he feels unworthy of you but instead of taking action and ending things, he’s forcing you to do it. He’s essentially abdicating responsibility in every part of his life.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 28/10/2018 11:41

Yes its normal.

He has a hell of a lot going on in his mind. In these situations sex is often the last thing on ones mind - he hasnt gone off you OP, it is the stress/ depression/ anxiety of everything

Honestly it isnt you

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 28/10/2018 11:43

like hes handling our relationship like everything else - refusing to face reality

Completely normal in this situation. Normal life has become too much for him . as infuriating as it may seem to everyone else. He needs support at this time

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 28/10/2018 11:45

Sorry Unobtainable - I call BS on this - you are putting ideas in to OPs head that are not, IMO, what is happening

This behaviour is typical of someone with a mental health issue, and completely when they need help the most. They push pple away at their most vulnerable,and struggle to deal with day to day issues

Original poster
Clocktowerblues · 28/10/2018 12:06

@AiryFairyUnicornRainbow

Thanks fpr your thoughts - I want to support him but I'm not sure how to without smothering him. Example, he just left for work so i kissed him goodbye but he was really frozen about it, quite standoffish despite smiling, theres none of his usual warmth and i admit i felt like crying.
Feels like I'm just getting in his way and irritating him, but then I also dont know what it would mean if I just didnt bother and went as low key as him...wouldnt that make it two of us taking distance?

OP posts:
Unobtainable · 28/10/2018 18:18

AiryFairy It’s just my opinion, nothing more nothing less. OP can choose to ignore it if she wishes and instead accept that her partner is just drpressed. However, the OP’s statement that

“It makes it worse that he otherwise seems his normal upbeat self”

would indicate that its not just simple depression if he’s able to be normal and upbeat with everyone but her. Only OP knows though.

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