To think I'm just a shitty person

[BigBlackDogStrikesBack]

Every day I wake up feeling so grumpy or angry. Then I end up taking it out on DP or being snappy with DSD. I end up starting little arguments or saying mean things that I really don't mean and I feel like shit afterwards. I don't have a single friend irl because as soon as they get to know the real me they just leave. Maybe I'm just a really shitty person

I think you should see your gp to rule out hormonal problems, vitamin deficiencies, etc, and get yourself to therapy as soon as possible. You're abusing your family and sabotaging your own well-being. The only person who can get this under control is you, and I suggest you do it quickly before you lose your family.

I'm a bit like this and I have to keep it in check. Get counselling. There is something in your life you're deeply unhappy about subconsciously. You need to work out what this is it could well be your family life or work or your lack of friends etc. you need to discover what it is and tackle it, at the moment your sniping at your family is just taking something out on them but you're probably not sure what it is. Explore this, cut any toxic people out of your life (I had a friend who made me feel shit about myself said I was a bad friend etc when I wasn't, She was making me upset and I was taking it out on my family,I worked out it was her and fucked her off nasty bitch! Much happier now) also GET A HOBBY. Works wonders in this scenario. Also bit OTT you're not abusing your family you just need to work out the issue and stop sniping.

There is something in your life you're deeply unhappy about subconsciously

I don't think it's even subconscious tbh. I think I feel totally shitty because my family (mum, dad and brother) have totally cut me out after years and years of shittiness (hitting me, swearing and shouting at me etc). I saw a counsellor when it first happened and all she said was I either need to accept the relationship will be totally on their terms or that we won't have a relationship at all - I see her point but not overly helpful in helping me process it all.

There you go then you need more counselling and you need to go totally no contact with them as well. Doesn't sound like you need them in your life at all,it should be a blessing they cut you out. But you need to process this and you need to talk to your partner about your feelings. stop bottling up and taking it out on people it's making you miserable but it shouldn't do. You need time and space to talk about it, air it out so you can move on and be happy.

Ever heard the saying: "The children who need love the most will always ask for it in the most unloving ways."?

I know you're an adult now, but sounds like you had a shitty start in life, and could benefit from talking it over with someone who could help you to change your mindset about how you see yourself and your relationships. I'm no expert, but it sounds like you are sort of testing your DP to see how far you can push him before he leaves you? And if he does leave then you will feel proved right because everyone else leaves?

No I've not heard that saying @IDontWearMakeUpOnThursdays I think you could be right. Though it's not something I'm doing consciously tbh.

@MrTrebus other than cutting your friend out, do you think anything else helps you keep it in check?

I just do what I enjoy and focus in my family and stop worrying about keeping other people happy. Start being selfish and find something you enjoy and spend all your quality time with quality people. You'll soon feel fulfilled. Good luck OP

Your DP obviously sees some good qualities in you so you can't be as bad as you think. Speak to him/her about how you feel - this at least will limit the effect your anger has on your relationship.

@MrTrebus I think some of the problem is I find it really difficult to make friends. DP is my only friend irl. Which I suppose leads to a shitty kind of codependence. Especially as I'm signed off sick at the moment so the only real interaction I get with adults is with DP. I feel like that puts a lot of strain on our relationship. I also find I enjoy things that are quite isolating and I'm not sure how to make them more interactive - I like walking and scrapbooking and reading. Not sure how to make friends and meet quality people with those hobbies.

Thank you @noworklifebalance.

Sounds like you need to work on trauma. Find a trauma/ ptsd scale on the net and take the test.
Trauma is more treatable than people think.
Good luc k with it op x

Thanks @Ohyesiam I did the scale and it came back as 3/4 (I can't remember exactly when my father was diagnosed with depression). It doesn't feel all that high considering the impact it has had on me

Hi,

I could have written your message. It really hit me this morning as I cried most of the way to school. I have fucked up.

My DH loves me a lot and so do the DCs but I certainly don't show my love for them enough
I have friends and people think I am a cool laid back person who is always happy. I have just got really good at covering up the pain.

I also had a shitty start to life. Dad killed himself when I was 5. I had to live with my mum who went into a deep bout of depression. She then got a new boyfriend when I was 8 who abused us, emotionally and abused my mum sexually. He ended up in prison. And she had his child. She then got another boyfriend when I was 13 who she stayed with for 10 years. He was a financially abusive alcoholic who treated me and my sister like crap. She then had a kid with him.
She is happy now. But I feel fucked.

I need counselling. I know thats what I need but to open up and talk about all of this is terrifying. I have only just started to state these things that happened to me. I couldn't have written this post a year ago.

You are a good person. So am I. We just need help to be ourselves and deal with the abuse that was inflicted on us.

I think you should start counselling again. Have someone who you can talk too. Do you have them money to go private? If not then go and see you GP and ask them to get you on a list.

Do you work? How are you day to day? Are you able to communicate with strangers OK? I ask this as it could be that you are scraed of being abused again or abandoned by those you love and this is why you don't treat them as well as you should. You want to subconsciously push them away before they can hurt you. I think this is my problem anyways.

Thank you for opening up and writing this post. It's made me reflect on myself.
We both need professional help to organise our thoughts and rebalance our ideas on what love is and how we can let ourselves be loved.

OP walking can be interactive have a look on Meet up. Also you could try geo caching. I don't have many friends but I do try and push myself to be social sometimes, just do your best but it's ok to just be true to yourself and be more introvert if that's making you happy. If it's not making you happy then push yourself to be social - say yes to every invitation!

Where are you based OP? If you're anywhere near Hampshire I could use a walking buddy!

Bumping for @Givemeallyourcucumber and @BigBlackDogStrikesBack

This sounds a lot like a mental health issue to me. Have you spoke to your GP about how you're feeling? I would.

First of all you are NOT a shitty person.
Next you need to work on being kind to yourself. Yes you come first in this. You can't be kind to others or show love if you have an inner hatred for yourself. Do your treat yourself often? Self care is really important.
Don't pressurise yourself to make friends.