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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have no friends?

23 replies

Frequency · 28/10/2018 03:13

I'm drunk, so bear with me and please be gentle because in all lilklihood I will read at least some of these responses while sober and fragile.

So.… I had friends once upon a time. And they took advantage of me (financially and emotionally). I didn't dump them. They dumped me once I had no more to give.

I tried a few times to reconnect but still had nothing to give neither financially nor emotionally. Now I am in a better place financially and emotionally I am reluctant to make new friends and am deliberately distant with people because I am afraid they will use me again.

Am I just a bad judge of character or am I actually a bitch and that is why my now ex-friends still have friends still have friends and I do not? I like to think I am a nice person but maybe I am wrong?

FWIW, I am usually happy with no friends and actively make choices to reduce the chances of making friends so I don't get hurt again by people trying to use me for financial gain and/or their own comfort.

OP posts:

bubbles108 · 28/10/2018 03:15

How did the friends take advantage of you emotionally?

Original poster

Frequency · 28/10/2018 03:18

By leaning on me through dark times and then not being there when I was going through dark times.

OP posts:

ghostlygal · 28/10/2018 03:20

@Frequency it's called a fair weather friend. Do you have any family that you'd consider friends? Hobbies that you could meet people in the view to becoming friend?

Also kudus for the lack of typos when drunk I'm impressed

Original poster

Frequency · 28/10/2018 03:31

I am a writer for a living (it's a nice, anti-social career) and I have the Grammarly extension.

I don't need hobbies to make friends, as such. I am at college studying one of my hobbies and the students there are friendly enough I could easily slot myself in with them but I don't want to.

They are the friendships I actively avoid. As in, they are nice enough people. I like them. I want to see them do well but I do not want to be friends with them because then they will stop being nice, start asking me for money and time and give nothing in return and I will be hurt again.

I have three sisters who are my friends but they live in different parts of the country. Sometimes I get lonely and wish I had friends and then I remember how much friends cost and realise I can't afford them nor are they worth the price.

OP posts:

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 04:00

Reading your posts it strikes me that you perhaps need to work on your self confidence (don't mean this harshly). I've got a couple of mates who are genuine friends but are always trying to ask their friends to borrow money before payday etc. I just say no nowadays as I got sick of receiving it in installments and they don't bother asking me anymore.

There are plenty of decent people out there who would be good friends to you but you also need to not be a pushover.

Original poster

Frequency · 28/10/2018 04:16

Self confidence is definitely something I need to keep working on. I spent my twenties (all of them and a fair portion of my early thirties) in an abusive relationship. That's when I lost all my confidence and all my friends.

My confidence is slowly coming back. The friends aren't. Though, that in part, is because I don't want new friends (mostly). And I def don't want the majority of the old ones back. Those money/emotion grabbing bitches can go fuck themselves with something sharp even though I am still the idiot who would still be there for them if they asked me to be

OP posts:

ScottCheggJnr · 28/10/2018 04:30

Would some kind of hobby be an option? A way you can get friendly with people and see them on your own terms - e.g. on set nights.

When I moved city I only knew my work colleagues (was commuting previously) but I joined an independent gym and found that this gave me enough company to get through the week - just having familiar faces I could chat with a few times a week until I got to the weekends and saw my old friends from back home.

Original poster

Frequency · 28/10/2018 04:45

Atm, I am studying one of my hobbies. I have been for over a year. My fellow students appear nice enough if not a tad judgemental.

I do have other, less appearance focused hobbies, to focus on after I finish studying. I am currently studying advanced hairdressing while working in a salon part time alongside my writing. So, I have contact with people I could theoretically make friends with. I just don't trust them (or myself) enough to do so.

What if they call me and tell me they have no gas and electric money and I give them £50 only to later find they wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire? If I have no friends, I can't get used by people not in my life. Simples. Only, it is lonely sometimes.

OP posts:

joiningmum · 28/10/2018 04:59

Outside of family I don't think I've ever been asked for money like that. Are you quite young? I don't think most people do ask others for money? It's not a common thread of friendship. Why do you assume people will need chunks of money to pay bills?

If people are nice and you enjoy each others company then just go with it. IF someone asks for money you say something like "I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to ask me as I value our friendship, but No, I don't mix money and friends. I hope you sort something out"... then there is no strain on the relationship and you've been clear.

I have suffered from abuse too. In situations like this you might find it helpful to tease out what is factual, realistic and likely to happen, and what is needless worrying or pushing the past onto your future.

joiningmum · 28/10/2018 05:02

Sorry I have just read you're 30+. I assumed young because the only time I recall people openly borrowed money was in teen years/as poor students for things like a night out due to dodgy priorities(!) rather than the regular asking of larger amounts.

AsleepAllDay · 28/10/2018 05:18

I also have only had one friend ask to borrow money. Rest assured, there are lots of people out there who don't need your cash

bubbles108 · 28/10/2018 05:21

So you let them borrow money from you and lean on you emotionally without reciprocating

Why?

apacketofcrisps · 28/10/2018 08:07

To be honest, as harsh as this sounds, you need to begin to move on and get over what this certain friend did to you.

ghostlygal · 28/10/2018 14:40

I found congestive behavioural therapy really great at retraining the way my thoughts worked. Would you ever consider something like this?

Original poster

Frequency · 28/10/2018 16:33

I actually think the problem is alcohol. I need to not alcohol alone. I'm generally pretty satisfied with my life without alcohol. Nine times out of ten I am satisfied with my life with alcohol.

OP posts:

Moominfan · 28/10/2018 16:37

Op your past experiences are shaping your perception of friendships. Learning healthy boundaries and being able to implement them will prevent the same thing happening. Your older and wiser now. Give yourself more credit. I hope you may one day be open to friendships and the savvier you will be more selective

EmilyRosiEl · 28/10/2018 17:00

No YANBU but are you are being a bit scared.

I'm 30 and I have few friends and at the moment I'm waiting for a cancer-pathway referral to rule out cancer and I could really do with some! You might find the same when things are really tricky in your life that you could have people to turn to and who can turn to you (in a non-manipulative sort of way!).

It's fine to cut people out of your life who are manipulative but there are lots of nice people out there too! Humans are meant to be sociable and surrounded by people- as a species we tend to enjoy experiences more when other people are involved!

Find friends and stop letting past experiences hold you back from enjoying life.

SoyDora · 28/10/2018 17:04

To be entirely honest I have lots of friends and none of them have ever asked me for money. Ever. It seems that you got mixed up with some shitty people and are letting past experiences colour your perception. There’s no reason to think that if you became friends with the people on your course they would start asking you for money, it’s not a usual thing to do.

Original poster

Frequency · 28/10/2018 17:05

I'm really sorry to hear about your medical issues. I wish you all the best.

I really do think the issue was just alcohol, though. I am genuinely quite happy when I am sober or drunk with my sisters. DD triggered it when she came down for a drink of water and asked if I had thought about internet dating. When I said "Oh, Hell, no. I'm very happily single and intend to stay that way forever." She told me she was sad for me and went back to bed

OP posts:

AndSheWas85 · 28/10/2018 17:34

@Frequency.
Do not ever call yourself a "bitch." You are not.

We all have issues, like everyone reading your post has had in life. You are dealing with this in your own best way.
As we all know friends will come and go, depending on their circumstances too. And it has no reflection on you as a person.

Be kind to yourself

squeekums · 28/10/2018 20:58

I get it op
I used to have friends but now not so much
Been burnt too many times and the one time in recent years i tried to make a new friend, she was only using me to get to my dp, so burned again

Some days it sucks but mostly im ok with it.
Now i cant and dont trust easy, safer that way

ghostlygal · 28/10/2018 23:20

@Frequency maybe DD can see a innate loneliness in you and just wants you to be happy?

I gave up drinking at home as it didn't suit me to drink alone. I only save it now for special occasions and this works well for me. Find your happy medium with it.

There's so many wonderful people out there, I've had so many people help me through a though time recently - people I didn't know before. And it's make me realise my self worth. Try seek out people who will value you for you, I'm sure you are worth it

PhilODox · 29/10/2018 14:48

How old is your DD? Maybe she just feels that you deserve some happiness in your life?

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