Argh....can't get anything right here.

[CommanderDaisy]

I'm having a bad run with my in-laws right now, and in particular the timing of invitations arranged by my SIL. I am almost certain they think I am doing this deliberately.

There have been FOUR invites over the past year to stay a new property SIL1 and family have bought. Each time, I have had another child related event on that meant I couldn't go. DH has gone, but not me. Each time, the guilt has been very subtly laid on .
I can't do much about it, if she scheduled a bit more it might have been possible.
I'm getting a lot of innuendo etc lately, as if I'm being deliberately obstructive from SIL and some of the family. I am honestly not.

But.
I find out today that....
The whole lot of the in-laws are attending an event ( where a family member is performing ) prior to Christmas.
It is scheduled the day we were headed down to spend Christmas( 10-12 hour drive).
The location of this event is another 2 hour drive, after the 12 hour one. It's an overnighter.
The morning after this event we have another thing scheduled already - can't be cancelled - very expensive - Christmas pantomime type thing - gift from my parents - starting at 10.30 - 6pm ( this includes travel time to event but not time to dress up etc). We would have to drive two hours back very early in the morning to make it. Also would have to change our kennel booking, and book a hotel room (that we can't really afford).

The wording of the messages were very pointed. There was a series sent one after the other.
Event is happening.
We're staying at X
SIL2 is going
BIL is going.
MIL is going.
bye

I'm screwed.
I also have a chronic joint condition that means the car trip is going to kill me anyway. Planning on drugging myself into submission to get there anyway. Heading off on another excursion the next day will kill me some more.

What can I do? How do I not look like I am deliberately thwarting the family do and get together?
Am I being U?

First of all, where is your husband in all this? He should be defending you to his family. Secondly, stop feeling guilty over something you have no control over. You have previously made plans. It's not your fault their plans don't work with yours. If they're acting like infants and are having tantrums, let them.

I really think you need to disengage with your ILs. Let your DH deal with them (where is he in all this?).

He needs to explain to them that you're chronically ill and can't travel. He then needs to arrange a mutually agreeable meet-up. It sounds like you're expected to do all the running.

It sounds very grim, having to attend something, spend a lot of money and have a really long car journey that your medical condition cannot withsatnd?

Why not turn the tables on them. Message and apologize you cannot make it. Explain that your medical condition means these long journeys are not possible for you. Then invite them all up for a simple meal or other event. Rather than springing a date and time on them simply say can we look at our diaries and see when we could all make.

Remember to wish them well, say you hope they will have fun and you can't wait to see the photos.

If anyone complains just explain again, slowly about your medical condition.

And what Aquamarine1029 and ShackUp said...

I'm baffled why it is so important for them to have you there tbh.

It may be just another thing for them to gripe over. My ILs are like this and try to guilt us into going to certain things, making arrangements that they know we aren't interested in and then stating how we must go as if they know what is best for us. I think it is a control thing. MIL is very matriarchal and SIL is trying to follow in her footsteps.

All they need to do is communicate with you well in advance of booking events to see if you can arrange to attend.

Booking things without consultation and informing you at the last minute/too late is a passive aggressive way of them excluding you whilst still looking like the good guys.

why has your husband not talked to them about this?
why are you the default parent who has to stay behind whilst he swans off?
About time he stayed behind too and took the shit they throw.

just tell them straight that they need to DISCUSS things with you instead of issuing dictats and expecting the world to revolve around them

Thank you for replying.

The travel is unavoidable. We do alternate years at our place, then down to a city where both sets of parents and half the in-laws live. It's not worth the angst to try to attempt to change this. Though I am dreading this trip as my condition only flared up majorly in the 2 years since we were last due to head off via car. We usually fly, but this is not workable with Christmas.

My medical stuff is a bit of red-herring to the core problem - that every time something gets scheduled my SIL , I already have something else on. Like soccer grand finals, a playdate staying, a party, or a vomiting bug for my DS2. It looks bad even though my reasons are absolutely plausible. And I am getting the attitude, not DH.

My DH is fairly good. My family is more of a horror show which he copes with pretty well.
He's gone each time we've been invited to this property ( usually to do a truckload of work they need his skills for , which is a separate issue that I have dealt with).
He's not insisting on going to this new thing though he would like to ( and I would too if it could have been feasibly arranged), is aware I'll be struggling with the trip already, but is sort of on the fence with a fence post up his arse re the innuendos I'm getting and the possible implications towards me of saying we can't go.
He thinks I'm reading too much into it, and doesn't want to make an issue about it.
Nor do I , but I can see I need to address this subtle, ever so polite insinuation that this is all because I don't want to do this stuff with his family that we don't attend.

Can dh drive while you get the train? Which might be better on joints?

And HeebieJeebies456 I got my birthday dinner booked without consultation by my SIL and niece this year - no discussion, no input asked for, as SIL and I have consecutive birthdays and usually have a joint dinner. I just got told the time and the place. Normally this is talked about - so I know I'm in the shit. Gift was also a very "fuck-you" one.
You are really right about it being a way of excluding me without being overt.

And LimpyLampy bang on re the matriarchal comment. This is the oldest SIL. I am also baffled at the need for me to visit, but it's there.