To finally go NC

[iloveruby]

This is probably the straw that broke the camel's back but I really think the time has come to go NC with my dad.
I found out that he and my step-mum have been visiting my sibling without getting in contact or arranging to also see me. My sibling lives about 40 mins from me and my dad lives about 4 hours from us both.

He has been to visit my house once in the last 4 or so years. When he has come up here the only reason I know about it is because my sibling (who I'm very close to) has told me.

This is on top of many other hurtful things he has done over the years - and I've just had enough. AIBU to think NC is a valid option?

Go for it lifes to short to put up with people who hurt us

It sounds as though he's already beaten you to it?

He should have visited you- not denying he’s an arse. But I know many, many ‘dads’ like this.
Did your sibling suggest he visited you at the same time? Arrange a day out with dad and your family altogether? Invite you to theirs at the same time??
Not sure why a close sibling wouldn’t do everything they could to help a strained family situation.
Did sibling only tell you after he visited? Was it a secret in advance of the visit??

Invite him specifically to yours. If he declines, then go NC, but to me it doesn’t sound as if it’s just your dad that has weird ideas about family get togethers and family loyalty.

Worraliberty - yeah I guess you're right. He does get in contact sporadically, meals etc but all very much on his terms.

Km06 - yes, for my mental health I think I'd be far better off, but it is a hard thing to accept. I need to be realistic about what is best for me though.

PS disjointed and dishonest families suck.
I feel your pain.
I choose to ‘play the game’ and I know secretly that I’m the better person. It still sucks but I (and I like to think, most people deep down) know that I’m the better person.
I just lowered my expectations.

Its hard for now but there will come a time when youll think to yoursef why didnt u do it sooner just because hes your father doesnt mean he gets to treat you like shit

Lookingthrough- I was told in advance about the visit by my sibling but don't think they want to be put in the middle, which is fair enough. I just don't understand how an email saying "we are up visiting on these dates - if you could join us, or if we could pop over to see you etc that would be great." But just no mention of the visit from them is really hurtful .

Lookingthrough- yeah, I have lowered my expectations over the years but really this is getting too much. There have been so many other things but this has brought it to a head.
I feel that I need to finally say enough - not just for me but for my younger self as well (I know that sounds really wanky)

Maybe, but it is a big descision OP

My parents used to drive by my house to see my sister. - and a long (several hours) drive

I had only found out they had visited, after the event- same as you have

I am NC now...but there was a lot more to it than the above (sounds like the same in your case). I didnt chose to go NC with my parents, they made the choice.

They cut me, and all the siblings out of their lives - and as the situation was so toxic, all siblings do not speak either. I would never have been strong enough to cut myself off, and now, a few years later, I think they hve done me a favour.

I dread to think what will happen when they die though

I do think you should confront them, let them know that you know

I’m in a similar situation with a family member who has basically cut me out for no reason, yet tells everyone I cut them out. I think I just need to go NC completely and get it out of my head. Sorry you’re in a shitty situation too.

You haven't said whether you make any effort to maintain the relationship either...?

Yeah, I can’t stand the “I don’t want to be in the middle” types. I’m sure if we’re the other way around they’d expect you to do more.

Obviously it’s your choice, but how would you feel if you did go NC and in a few yrs he died (soz, dramatic but could happen) and you never made up?
It’s easy to flounce and go NC, but you’ve got to live with that if the worst happens.

PMS - yeah I have made effort, a lot of effort over the years. For example, when I was a teenager / early twenties I wanted to see him without step-mum but that wasn't "allowed" so compromised on that......there are other examples as well but all follow similar theme.

Lookingthrough - if he died I would be in the same situation I am in now, sad that we never had the relationship I wanted, I really don't think there is the option of developing anything which I would be happy with / would be healthy for me.

I guess I'm answering my own question here.....

I'd step away. I wouldn't advise you to contact or discuss it with him - it's an invitation for him to say whatever he wants just as much as it is for you. Just step away.

Yes, unfortunately I think you are right. If I told him why i was no longer being in contact he would just use it as an opportunity to demonstrate how hysterical I am.....