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AIBU to think that STBXH should tell me if he's taking the DC away overnight?

15 replies

Flappypants · 27/10/2018 16:35

I'm in the middle of a horrible divorce situation. My narcissistic, emotionally and psychologically abusive STBXH has taken the DC (6 and 2) 4-5 Hours away and hasn't told me he has done it. If I have gone to my family who live about 2 hours away, I have told him out of courtesy because a) I think it is common sense if anything happened and b) my solicitor advised me to. However I have been led to believe that legally speaking we should both inform the other if we are going to be anywhere other than our home addresses.

Before I kick up a stink (like he has when I wanted to go away and he insisted on three calls a day the first time I did after the split 🙄🤔) does anyone know if he is on dodgy legal ground? Cafcass have just filed their section 7 report and it is very much in my favour (as was the psychological assessment he insisted on making me have at great expense) and he could be doing his own legs in even further.


OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 27/10/2018 16:38

Surely what he does during his contact time is entirely up to him - unless you think they’ll come to any harm, it’s his time, his decision? He’s an equal parent

Aprilislonggone · 27/10/2018 16:39

Legally his time is his time. He is under no legal obligation to report to you where the dc are.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 27/10/2018 16:42

Morally i think both parents shpuld know where the children are but legally he has no obligation to

Flappypants · 27/10/2018 16:59

Thanks x

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 27/10/2018 17:01

He can't take them abroad without your permission

Worriedmummybekind · 27/10/2018 17:03

Morally I absolutely agree. Legally, as far as I know there is no requirement. If you worry about him taking the children overseas I know you can have notes attached to their passports that flag it.

MacosieAsunter · 27/10/2018 17:07

However I have been led to believe that legally speaking we should both inform the other if we are going to be anywhere other than our home addresses.

Lets take that to the 'nth' degree - so you, as the RP , really want to be telling him about every trip, sleep over, club, excursion? Utter madness

Flappypants · 27/10/2018 17:30

Well he has insisted on it from my side and as I said, insisted on three calls a day. He wants nightly video call contact so he would automatically know if we were not at home. He's an utter control freak and I wanted to know where I stood legally.

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/10/2018 17:37

Legally he can take them, if there are no existing court orders in place to say otherwise.

Legally, he doesn't have to return them unless there is an existing court order saying otherwise.

In your situation, I wouldn't kick up a fuss, as the chances are he will use any negativity against you. I'd play the long game, and say nothing, unless you have any genuine concerns for their safety.

Thebluedog · 27/10/2018 17:42

I’m afraid what he does during contact, as long as they are safe is entirely up to him. The only time I’d want to know was if he was taking them abroad, even then he doesn’t have to ask permission.

Plus I have to ask, why are you telling him when you are going away? Stop it and stop it now, stop on the 3 calls a day and nightly video calls. Tell him he can ring/video call twice a week and if he wants more then to take it to court, simply ignore him if he rings. Stop letting this man control you and your dc

LokiBear · 27/10/2018 17:46

I think you could put in a text ' Hi stbxh, I understand you have taken the dc to xxxx. I hope you have a nice time. In future, could you let me know when you are taking them to stay somewhere other than your home? I fulfilled your request to ensure the dc contact you 3 times per day when I took them away. I would appreciate the courtesy.' He wants you to kick off. Dont play into his hands. Make your request civily, ignore any abuse you get back in return, but do screen shot as evidence of his unreasonable behaviour.

Mondaytired · 27/10/2018 17:57

You can ask if a court order is drawn up for contact that both parties state when they are going away and to where. This could back fire when DC are older and you are obliged to say exactly where you and when etc.

lalalalyra · 27/10/2018 18:23

Keep a record of it. It'll go seriously against him if you can show that he's not bothering to adhere to conditions he tried to put on you.

My ex tried this and made himself look like an absolute twat in court by basically saying "what I do and where I go on my contact time is absolutely nothing to do with lala, but as a parent I have the right to know where my children are at all times when they are not with me."

StressedToTheMaxx · 27/10/2018 18:41

As others said it's would be nice if you where told he was going away with the children but unless there is a risk to the children it is not necessary.

This should be the turning point where you now put boundaries in place also.
If he allows you calls when he has the children then you should also allow him calls. If not then I would stop the calls also.

Treat him how he is treating you.
He should not be allowed to be in such control during your contact time if the same is not reciprocated.
It is suffocating and excessive.

RandomMess · 27/10/2018 19:55

Just get a very specific and detailed CO that includes FaceTime, phone etc basically as little as possible!!

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