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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To break my NC?

15 replies

Withasideofbeans · 27/10/2018 14:49

Me and DH have been together for 16 years, with one DS (8).
Backstory- DH and his family (MIL, BIL and SIL) had a huge fall out around 2 years ago.
We went through a very stressful house move around 3 years ago that almost resulted in us being without a home. Instead of MIL offering any help she bombarded DH with abuse about how he owed her money (was around £2000 at the time). The money was borrowed due to DHs car being a complete write-off, and he needs his car for his very long commute to work. He was happy just buying a £500 cheap runaround, but MIL insisted on him buying a better car, and offered to lend him the money and he could pay her back monthly instead of taking out an expensive finance agreement etc. The agreement was £200 per month, but as soon as our life went tits up she suddenly demanded the full whack Confused. Instead of paying towards a new home, DH paid MIL back, which was understandable as he owed her the money so of course it had to be paid back. My issue was that she demanded her money back at the worst time. When DH repaid his debt he told her about the issues we were having regarding the house and that we could be homeless within the next month, and her response was “at least you paid me back”. So that left a very bitter taste in my mouth.
She turned SIL and BIL against DH by making up blatant lies, which led to SIL completely cutting DH out of her life.
Around this time MIL was making some really vile passive aggressive comments towards me, such as;
“so when will you be getting a proper job?”
“maybe you and DH should separate for a while until you’ve saved enough money for a house, then he can come back and live with me”
“maybe you should buy some better quality clothing”
“Ooh, you’ve put a bit of weight on haven’t you!”
And my personal favourite, “I don’t know why you chose to live in a shit hole anyway”.
Overall it’s very obvious that she doesn’t like me, and never has!
So moving forward to now, I’ve encouraged DH to rebuild his relationship with MIL and BIL, and SIL has started talking to him which is great news. I’m happy that he’s mending the relationships and he seems happier now they’re all speaking (not to the level that it used to be, but it’s only early days).
I haven’t seen MIL for 2 years. I took great offence to everything that happened and I no longer wanted any type of contact with her. I was happy for DH to take DS to visit, but I wanted to be removed from the situation. DH is now saying that MIL would like to see me, has said that it would be “nice” to see me, and has asked for me to go with him and DS to visit. According to him the situation is much better, she won’t be making any sly comments, and she just genuinely wants to see me.
Should I go? Part of me thinks that she just wants an opportunity to completely slate me again, but maybe that’s just paranoia on my part. Should I just go and give it a try? This woman upset me so many times over the years, and I’m happier not seeing her. But I know it would make DH happy if I at least tried.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2018 14:54

I wouldn't go anywhere near her. You're well rid. You don't really believe that people magically change do you? You'll just be serving yourself up on a platter for more abuse.

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 27/10/2018 14:59

Thank you! I wanted a non biased opinion that wasn’t so emotionally involved. I really do think it’s just an excuse to get me in her vicinity so she can unload 2 years of abuse onto me.

OP posts:
HildaZelda · 27/10/2018 15:01

No no no no no. And just in case I wasn't quite clear there, NO!

LokiBear · 27/10/2018 15:25

I would. Life is too short. I'd go, be civil but not overly nice. Focus on moving forward but absolutely not tolerate any of the previous shit. When I was little, my dad went nc with his mum after her massively umreasonable behaviour, mostly towards my lovely mum. When my great grandparents became gravely ill, my mum insisted that my dad pick his mum up from the airport. There was no grovelling apology really, but my nan found out her mum was dying and that she had a third gc, who was now 8, in one car journey. She was devestated by how much she'd missed. My dad laid out an ultimatum that, should she behave so unreasonably again, there would be no third chance. My grandmother accepted the deal very greatfully. The first few meetings and interactions were a little odd. Everyone negotiated themselves carefully. But 18 years down the line, the relationship is a loving one. According to my nan, my mother is the best thing since sliced bread and they actually get on. My mum hasnt really forgiven and forgotten. She has just moved on. She likes the person that my nan is now. People arent perfect, but giving someone a second chance can sometimes be the right thing. In your shoes, i'd sooner try than feel like I was holding on to a grudge. If it doesnt work, you know it os a reflection on her and you can feel that you have tried.

ohfourfoxache · 27/10/2018 15:28

Not in a million fucking years. You’re well shot of her.

incendio · 27/10/2018 15:35

I think if you could genuinely mend the relationship and move on I would as it would make life a lot easier and it would probably strengthen your relationship with DH as he would admire you for making the effort etc. And it might be nice for your DS to have her and that side of the family in his life.

However, she sounds like a nasty piece of work and I can't imagine that she will have changed. My DM's mum was very similar to your DH's and they would go NC for long periods of time then something would happen and they would make up and everything would go back to normal as if nothing had happened. Then after a period of time my gran would turn nasty towards my DM and they would go NC again.

It caused my mum so much strain and upset because she wanted her DM in her life but she is just a genuinely horrible woman and would always revert back to that behaviour.

So I would say if you can sit down and discuss why things went so wrong and resolve the issues then great but if she starts again I would go NC again and keep it that way. And I think it would be better for your DS as well, he won't miss someone so horrible. My mum never told me all the stuff her mum would say to her but I would overhear bits and would see her come in in tears (and my DM is not one to cry) and it would make me absolutely furious even as a young teen and now I wouldn't have anything to do with her even if my DM made back up with her again.

Angrybird345 · 27/10/2018 15:42

Why are you bothering? Just don’t!

spacefighter · 27/10/2018 15:45

No definitely not.

DreamsofJacaranda · 27/10/2018 16:04

I’d give her a second chance for DH’s sake, but I would make it clear to him that there will be no third chance.

areyoubeingserviced · 27/10/2018 16:12

What do you want to do Op?

MrTrebus · 27/10/2018 16:59

I would because sometimes time apart makes people realise they've been a complete knob and she genuinely wants to make amends. For the sake of knowing and for your DH and DS I would give it a go. One more chance then done if she is still the same.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/10/2018 17:08

Why did you encourage dh to mend fences

Playing this forward you must know the shit him having contact with his family would bring.

I would stay well clear. It will go one of only 2 ways.

He will be torn between visiting his mother and you. He will either eventually spend more and more time with her and a wedge will be driven between you and him or the old problems will raise their heads again and he will go NC again

I don’t think going forward the status quo will stay the same.

Personally I would stay out of it all. You can’t turn back time

Original poster
Withasideofbeans · 27/10/2018 19:56

I encouraged it as I thought it was the right thing to do. I think deep down he was siding with me, and I didn’t want him having to choose between me and his Mum, it felt cruel. He’s happier now he’s made amends, it was really getting him down and I know how much he missed them all. I honestly don’t know what to do. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and see how she acts, but I’m not prepared to take anymore digs. I don’t know if I’m being soft, I just want an easy life with no drama in it Sad I’ve been much happier not having to speak to her, but as it stands I’m the only one that’s not speaking to DHs family now that they’ve all made up, so it looks like I’m being the awkward nightmarish DIL/SIL.

OP posts:
FuckididyDo · 27/10/2018 20:31

LokiBear
I would. Life is too short.

Life is too short to have toxic nasty people in it.

MadeForThis · 27/10/2018 20:36

Meet her
If she speaks out of turn just walk out and don't go back.
If you don't give her one last chance then you will be the bad guy.
If you go back and she is rude again it's clearly her fault.

You don't seem emotionally invested in wether she likes you or not so if she fucks up you can say " I told you so" and walk away for good.

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