Arguing with DP, who is being unreasonable?

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

For context DP has a demanding job and I’m on maternity leave. Also, as I think it’s relevant, he was fishing all of last weekend.

9 month baby was up most of Thursday night, I lost count after the 8th or 9th time of getting up.

Last night DP calls to say he was on his way home from work but traffic is bad. I mention how tired both me and the baby are and that the baby has a really bad cold.

He calls back a couple of minutes later and says if I’m tired and just going to go to bed early do I mind if he goes to the pub for a few. I hesitate as it means I’ll have to do dinner and bed time routine by myself and I can’t face another night like the one before on my own.

I say it’s fine but can he make sure he’s able to help with the night if it’s another bad one. DP agreed, said he won’t be late and even said he’ll take the lead with the baby for the rest of the weekend.

I call after midnight and he can barely talk he was so drunk. Long story short, he ends up sleeping somewhere (I know where but don’t want to disclose on here) and getting a cab home at 5 this morning.

Turns out he fell over and as a result he has a swollen cheek bone, cut on his head and a swollen wrist.

I got up with the baby at 7 and kept her quiet until 9 when we went up to wake DP up. I could’ve let him sleep more but I’m tired as I’ve been up half the night again and to be honest I am annoyed at him for not sticking to his word.

He is saying he doesn’t go out often, I should give him some grace. He tried to get home but couldn’t get a cab. (He could, the problem was he was just to drunk to know how to get one).

So AIBU to be annoyed at him or is he for expecting me to not be annoyed and for not apologising.

[Threadastaire]

I'm childless. If my partner did this he'd be sleeping at his mates house for the rest of the weekend. And id tell him he was a t* for being so drunk to injure himself.

I dont think it's OK for him to ask if it's OK to go to the pub. If you say no it sounds like you're being mean, or he's doing you a favour coming home. He's got responsibility at home its where he should be!

[PuppyMonkey]

Can’t believe the first thing he thought of when you said how tired you were was “oh great, I can go to the pub if you’re having an early night.” That doesn’t sound like a supportive hands-on dad to me.

[Blanchedupetitpois]

YANBU, What an absolute arsehole

[Pfingstrose]

YANBU.

This is highly annoying and selfish behaviour. I have dealt with this sort on nonsense with my DH in the past and it doesn’t just ruin that night/morning- it spoils the whole weekend because he’s then tired/grumpy/hungover/whatever.

Then when you pull them up on it you get to be the controlling killjoy wife... not that I can fathom what’s 'fun‘ about being so drunk you can’t even find your way home

[Whisky2014]

The op says he asked. She agreed. It was all in her own doing...

[PuppyMonkey]

Yes Whiskey - and he was unreasonable to ask in the first place.

[Christmasplanner]

Someone will be along in a minute to tell you to go out and leave him with the baby, rather than taking about it, you'll also be advised to book a spa weekend and make him pay. Just thought I'd get that out of the way.

[Candlelights2345]

I would let him sleep his hangover off until lunch, then give him the baby to look after for the afternoon, whilst you go out on your own.
I too think it’s shit that the first thing that comes into his head is a night in the pub on his own when you tell him how tired / ill the baby has been. That’s selfish of him, and shows he couldn’t really care how you feel.

[easielouisie]

Whiskey - I think you're being unreasonable. If my DP says he's going out "for a few" he has.. A few. It's not code for black out hammered and there's no reason he shouldn't be fit and able to help, for the sole reason, he said he would.

I completely understand OP not saying no, no one wants to be the demanding missus, he should want to help her anyway without being ordered.

Everyone messes up, have a reasonable conversation explain calmly how you feel and does he understand why? If yes just let it go. And definitely have a weekend evening for yourself!

[Atalune]

He was so unreasonable to ask!!! What a manbaby- asking his wifey for permission!! He should KNOW that he should be at hone being a partner and father.

[Categoric]

He shouldn’t ask to go out, you’re not his mother and, on that point alone, he should be having a rethink about his behaviour.

So an ill baby and exhausted mother, shall I as a fully functioning adult:

A) go home, parent my child and support my wife or

B) go out, get too pissed to get home safely and render myself unable to do my fair share of parenting?

It’s not difficult really is it?

So now, if I was the OP, I would be off to a (willing to help) friend or family member’s house with the baby and would leave him to it until Sunday night. I would explain that I was going because I needed some support and not to punish him, but that I needed help rather than someone else to look after. I would then try to have a rest!

Your DH needs to control his own impulses and not turn you in to someone who limits his social life. He also needs to learn to entertain himself. The idea that if you’re not around to entertain him, that he can find someone else to do so isn’t great either.

[Candlelights2345]

Ha ha Christmasplanner that would be me then, minus the spa. I think the OP deserves some down time too, after looking after her baby with a cold though.
I think the request to go to the pub, hot on the heels of the OP telling him how knackered she was conveys a great deal of selfishness. Sometimes a person needs to experience something for themselves rather than talking about it. Then they are better placed to discuss it.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

You do have right to be pissed off. But is it possible he didn't realise how low his tolerance to alcohol has become. Someone who regularly drinks five pints and then stops for a while is going to get completely wasted on that amount. It sneaks up on you.

If this is a one off, then let it go.

[Christmasplanner]

Candlelights2345 😀 When you're tired you want to be at home, I think he should take the baby out and let her have a bath and a nap.

[IAmBeyonceAlways]

If DP knows you have posted this can I ask him - Why do you think you are being reasonable? Am interested in his POV as I honestly cant see any scenario where he would be being reasonable

[Aus84]

That's pretty crappy of him to ask to go out after you had told him you were struggling, If he's normally a good partner and dad, then after the initial fury, I would let it go. But he does owe you big time.

[19lottie82]

That would be a deal breaker for me. He's selfish and useless. Get rid.

Get rid? Break up a marriage when you have a 9 month old baby, just because he went out and got drunk? I’d love to live in your perfect world!

OP he’s been a selfish dick, don’t let him off the hook with this. But as for a LTB? If it’s a rare event, I don’t think so.

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

Thanks for all of your replies.

As annoyed as I am, I don’t intend to leave him for this.

If he’d woken up this morning, apologised and owned that he’d mucked up it would have blown over pretty quickly, but it’s the fact he didn’t and is feeling so sorry for himself and trying to make me out to be the bad guy is what’s annoyed me the most, probably more than the act itself.

He went back to sleep when the baby had a nap this morning and then came to me and half heartedly apologised. He is feeling very sorry for himself and is looking to me for sympathy which he is not going to get. He just had the cheek to have a go at me because I looked at him blankly when he was moaning to me about how rough he feels.

When he sobers up and feels better I’m sure he’ll apologise properly but for now I’ve taken the baby out and we’ll be treating ourselves a little.

[Olderbyaminute]

I’d have been tempted to dump a bucket of ice water in his head as he slept but that’s just me

[Howhot]

YANBU OP. I'd be pissed off.

He was unreasonable to ask. He was essentially giving you the option to feel like a controlling wife or a way for him to justify being an arse because "well I did and ask you said it was fine 🤷" He never should have "asked" in the first place, it wasn't fair of him at all. He should have been home.