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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU, me or DP?

26 replies

expatinspain · 27/10/2018 10:02

I'm like a sleep deprived zombie at the minute, thanks to DP and his annoying sleep/nighttime/waking up habits.

He sets his alarm so much earlier than he needs to get up and then it is set another three times to wake him up. This is at the weekend as well, so no chance to catch up on much needed sleep then. During the week he gets up at 7.10am and alarms are going off from 6.15am and at the weekend on a Saturday he gets up at 7.30am, but keeps the same alarms from the week . Sunday isn't so bad as he goes cycling, so I only have to suffer two alarms from 6.15am - 6.30am. Don't get me into him pumping up his wheels in the corridor at 7.15am on a Sunday though!!!

He also is a hugger in bed, so spends a large portion of the night keeping me awake cuddling me, putting his leg over me and me wanting to kill him 😂.

He thinks I'm being grumpy and unreasonable for expecting him to wake up the same way as me, after one alarm five mins or so before I have to wake up. Thing is, he also goes to bed really late and disturbs me when he gets into bed by plugging his phone on charge (I have no idea how he makes so much noise doing this?!), scanning FB for bit (with sound 😡, albeit quickly turned down to a low volume) and finally cuddling up to me and making me hot and sweaty. This is around 12.30am, so my sleep is fragmented and shit.

So is he BU or am I just a grumpy difficult light sleeper who needs to chill out (or get my own house ) or is he?

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 27/10/2018 10:05

Thing is, with that information about him, it is hard to believe he is not s selfish and thick idiot the rest of the time too!

Is this behaviour out of character for him??

Have you spoken together about it in the day time in a calm way to try to compromise?

CarryOnScreamingValenta · 27/10/2018 10:08

Do you have a spare room you could spend some nights in to give you some respite?

Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 10:20

chamomile No in other ways he's absolutely fine. He even gets changed in a different room in the morning, so not to wake me up, but I'm already awake from the bloody alarms!!!

His whole family are like this, but much worse. When we stay at his mums house, his brother (who is 31, not 15) forgets his keys and knocks on the door for his mum to let him in at 3am, his sister comes in late and switches all the corridor lights on, baby's around in her room and showers with the door open and her music on. His mum also cleans on a Sunday banging around outside everyone's rooms while they're still in bed. I'm the only one affected, everyone in their family is a super heavy sleeper.

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 10:21

carryon no unfortunately 😕

OP posts:
FissionChips · 27/10/2018 10:23

Do we have the same DH?! Shock mine does exactly the same, drives me absolutely crazy.
YANBU!!!!!

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2018 10:24

There is nothing worse than lack of sleep when it's someone else selfishly disturbing you.

I would (seriously) LTB over it.

Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 10:24

I have spoken to him about it and he makes an effort to get better, (no looking at FB in bed, immediately switching off the alarm and getting up on a Sunday) but slips back into it. I think we are very different in the amount of sleep we need abs the dept of our sleep. He could sleep through a matching band playing at the end of the bed. He genuinely finds it difficult to just wake up and needs a few alarms. I think I might suggest sleeping with his phone under the pillow, so I don't hear them.

OP posts:
Unicornandbows · 27/10/2018 10:25

Spare room.. Throw his phone or disable the alarms..

Thehop · 27/10/2018 10:25

This is the most selfish thing I’ve heard in a while how can you carry on like this?

Stormyumbrella · 27/10/2018 10:26

Could he try a vibrating alarm so it doesn’t disturb you?

ChoudeBruxelles · 27/10/2018 10:27

Dh likes to cuddle and hug. He normally goes to bed far later than me. He doesn’t try to hug me now as he knows that it wakes me up. We had lots of arguments about this before the penny finally dropped with him. I started sleeping in the spare bed and he got the message

FillWithWineToActivate · 27/10/2018 10:52

Can you get him a silent vibrating wrist or pillow alarm, like a fitbit? It could go off all morning and wouldn't bother you, only him!

Forgotmycoat · 27/10/2018 10:58

He is selfish if he can see how his behaviour is affecting you and not making every effort to change.

This is worse than having a baby. There's no way I could accept that behaviour at all from an adult.

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2018 10:59

Don't see why he needs the alarms on at the weekend either.

It is entirely U for one person to disturb another person's sleep unnecessarily.

EveryCarIsAPplCarrier · 27/10/2018 11:04

I think there are two kinds of people when it comes to waking up... first needs 1 alarm and straight out of bed like my husband, the other needs several alarms to slowly come round to the world, like me.

That being said, I use a Fitbit which makes me and me alone up. He sounds quite selfish. I’d be giving him a few nights on the sofa if you don’t have a spare room....

Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 11:31

EveryCarls I'm going to suggest the Fitbit to him, as this sounds like a much better solution.

It definitely is selfish, but also a habit from his
upbringing and probably a bit of cultural difference too. He's Spanish and here people make a shit load of noise in the morning and through the night. People think nothing of coming in at 2am talking at the top of their voices or having a loud conversation early on a Sunday morning in the communal areas. He's actually pretty considerate compared to what seems to be the norm here.

OP posts:
Harrykanesrightsock · 27/10/2018 11:37

I’m snowing sure if it is the Fitbit or one of the other bands but one of them reads your sleep stage by your pulse and wakes you in your light sleep around your alarm set time.

Thingsdogetbetter · 27/10/2018 11:43

Fitbit. Ear plugs. Eye mask. Separate single duvets and most unsexy pjs you can find! He'll get the message. Lol

EveryCarIsAPplCarrier · 27/10/2018 11:44

@expatinspain I don’t even use my Fitbit during the day, it’s literally just used as an alarm for me at night and it works brilliantly to slowly bring me round to round to being Awake.

Maybe have a rule that if he goes to bed after XX time then he’s sleeping on the sofa, that’s our rule in this house. But sleep is SO important to us, so we’re probably a bit out of the norm with that...

Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 12:07

thingsdogetbetter 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 12:14

EveryCarls Me too! I'm a bad sleeper as it is and I work really shitty split hours as a language teacher, not getting home until 10.30pm three nights per week, so sleep is super important to me. I think me and him are on different pages with that, as he clearly needs much less. Also here people generally go to bed later and survive on very little sleep and seem to be more accustomed to nighttime noise.

OP posts:
Ecofluffynanny · 27/10/2018 12:46

OP...it really shouldn't matter that he and his family need different amounts of sleep or whatever. Selfish behaviour is selfish behaviour the world over!! They are simply selfish! Knowing that you need to sleep (and lets be honest, this is a basic, very important, requirement we are talking about, not simply leaving up the toilet seat, or dropping dirty washing on the floor!!) and then behaving in a way that prevents it, is appalling! Stop making 'cultural differences' their excuse. There is NO excuse! He (and the rest of them by the sounds of it!!) are bloody rude! He needs to stop! And if he doesn't then it's separate beds until he learns some respect! Because right now, he isn't respecting you, is he? 🤷‍♀️🤬

LightningOne · 27/10/2018 15:07

I think he's being unreasonable and you are in the right (based on the info you gave!)

ChristmasFluff · 27/10/2018 15:31

I have an ex who was like this. It's why he's an ex. I didn't even care who was right or wrong, I couldn't live like that.

Original poster
expatinspain · 27/10/2018 17:11

christmas I'm not going to LTB over this, I'm sure we can work something out. Otherwise he's very considerate, a great step dad to DD and a good partner. I've been with a real inconsiderate tosser, DD's dad, who only gave a shit about himself and was the epitome of selfish. DP is a world away from that kind of man.

I don't see this as a deal breaker, just something we need to get sorted, because I'm someone who needs my sleep.

OP posts:
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