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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more from my mother?

23 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:02

Hi everyone. I've got a post on chat about basically being dumped whilst pregnant. Obviously as me and ex have split I thought I should tell my mother for some support. I phoned her about an hour ago to her answering obviously in an airport. She told me she's going abroad with her new man for 2 weeks. She hasn't bothered to tell me about this. I told her I'd been dumped and she replied 'oh well I'm just at the duty free I'll be back in 2 weeks' and more or less put the phone down. aibu to expect some support?

OP posts:

hello1233 · 27/10/2018 10:05

What is it you want her to do? Did you ask her for anything specifically or just tell her your news?

Madeline88 · 27/10/2018 10:06

hopefully she will call you back properly once the actual travel part of the holiday is finished.

Original poster

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:07

Well i don't want her to cancel her holiday or anything but she's found our her daughter is 6 months pregnant and has been dumped. She could have showed some support. Maybe told me it would be ok? Ask if I need anything?

OP posts:

hello1233 · 27/10/2018 10:11

Maybe just a bit of a shock and airports are always hectic. She was maybe at the till trying to find her boarding pass etc. Hopefully she'll call once she gets there

KC225 · 27/10/2018 10:14

Is she usually supportive? Does she think its just a tiff and you'll be back together, is that why she was dismissive? Odd to not tell your six month pregnant daughter you are going away for two weeks. You say ita a new man. Is there a back storey to this?

Do you have a friend, aunt, cousin you could call?

PinkHeart5914 · 27/10/2018 10:17

Well what can she do really today? She’s at the airport leaving probably in a very small amount of time. This is her holiday, not much she can do right now and your a big girl.

Once she’s back I’m sure you’ll be able to have a chat

Weezol · 27/10/2018 10:20

If she's always been like this, you have the right to expect more, but may have to accept you won't get it. You don't have to like it, but at six months pregnant chasing her may not be the best use of your energy.

It's not fair and it is hurtful, you and your child deserve better from those around you. Deep breaths and keep your eyes on the prize.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/10/2018 10:20

she's found our her daughter is 6 months pregnant and has been dumped

Ideally yes she would have tried to say something supportive, however rushed, but since you've only just told her you're six months pregnant then I suspect you haven't been that close.

Obviously in your circumstances you'll want to get closer, but you can't go from 0 to 60. You'll have to grow it.

Original poster

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:24

She knows I'm pregnant and has done since 13 weeks. She's always flighty and done her own thing even when we were kids. To not even tell me she's got a new man and going on holiday though is odd even for her.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2018 10:26

Sadly then she has 'form' and I wouldn't be expecting anything from her.

Have you any better support out there? Other family? Friends?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/10/2018 10:28

Ah, that's different then.

Sorry, yes, your mother isn't all she could be as a parent. But you already know that.

What about your dad? Other family?

AJPTaylor · 27/10/2018 10:30

Yabu to expect her to change from the person she has always been.

Original poster

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:31

My friend is staying with me and my brother is supportive. I haven't seen my dad for years so he's not an option. I just hope if I ever have a daughter I'm a bit more supportive

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 27/10/2018 10:33

Not even time to say "Oh god I'm sorry to hear that, hope you're ok"? It's not much longer than "Oh well, I'm just at the duty free"

There's a bunch of people on here you've never met and probably never will who are prepared to give you more support than that.

Original poster

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:36

Exactly Annie

OP posts:

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 10:37

My parents automatic reactions would be...

Dad- that's not great, how will you cope? Do you need money I hope not I don't have any (he has more than he'd be willing to part with). How will you cope alone could relative a or relative b help I'm just off to whichever country and when we get back I'm busy for a month then going to wherever on holiday etc. Ps. Your step mum sends her love.

Mum- OMG that's a disaster. That's literally the end of the world. I am so busy I can't help but would if I could. Have you spoken to your Dad. Ps. We all said he was a toss pot from the beginning.
Ps. All your other siblings are doing marvellously with Their careers and relationships and are off on exciting holidays etc. Also you step dad has a new hobby/job etc.

So cheers guys... I'll ring someone else!

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 10:40

If my parents were at the airport they would both tell me they are too busy to talk and to email them...

Original poster

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:41

Bumble it's painful isn't it. I'm a 32 year old woman but a bit of support was needed from her.

OP posts:

Dawsonforehead · 27/10/2018 10:46

My DM is also emotionally unavailable. You can't change how your DM reacts. Protect yourself with support from people who can empathise. Shame on our mothers.

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 10:47

I have had "I'm sure you'll handle it yourself" since I was a teenager. Like, obviously I'm not handling it myself if I'm asking for help? Ffs.

Sounds like you have others supporting you though and although I know it's not easy honestly we end up stronger people for not having to rely on our parents in the end.

Every time my parents have actually helped me in anyway it's been an IOU and there's strings attached. Things have improved marginally with my Dad but I'm still dreading telling my parents I'm pregnant.

My Dad will ask about my finances etc. To check there's nothing being expected of him financially or practically. And give zero emotional support.

My Mum will give me a lecture about contraception and tell me I'm a big girl now and need to handle my own shit.

So yeah, I will give them the news anyway but not expecting any help really as a single parent (recently) to two kids and now soon 3...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2018 10:47

Has she always been this "supportive" or would she normally have been more use?
If she's always been like this, then yes, YABU to have expected more. But if this is a new behaviour from her then no, YANBU.

However, clearly she's shown you where you stand in her list of priorities, so don't expect much from her in the future!

So sorry you're having to go through this without what most people would consider to be a "normal" level of family support.

MorningsEleven · 27/10/2018 10:51

It looks like she's got a history of this and is unlikely to change. The best thing is for you to let her attitude inform your own parenting and be the best Mum you can.

Original poster

BigfluffybearBum · 27/10/2018 10:53

I've got a 13 year old DS and he seems to be shaping up to be a fine young man so hopefully I've broken the cycle a little

OP posts:

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