AIBU to stop trying to cope

[JaceLancs]

I just want to pull the duvet over my head and not get out of bed until something improves
Have a very stressful job, part of the stress is keeping it going and keeping everyone who works for me in a job too, not always easy in current climate
I struggle financially and can’t seem to climb out of it, the future worries me as I have little pension and limited options
Elderly parents, DM has dementia and needs a lot of support
DF had a massive stroke very recently is currently in hospital and I’m visiting daily along with battling to ensure he receives the care he needs
Long saga with another elderly relative who died not long ago leaving a mess in all sorts of areas which has involved lots to do, property clearance etc, still ongoing
DP out of work, depressed and also with no money
Providing emotional support to DD who is having relationship issues
Final straw yesterday my boiler has packed up have no heating or hot water can’t afford to have it fixed and tonight DP arrived late for weekend due to accident on motorway then a tyre blow out which needs sorting tomorrow

[MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox]

That is a horrible lot to deal with - sorry no advice. Hopefully someone with more useful stuff to say will be along soon.
Are you able to take a duvet day if you are your own boss or will that make things worse on your return?

[MalcolmsBrokenWalrusMoneybox]

Bump

[cindyhove]

It sounds as if you are going through a really tough time. Don't try to struggle alone and be strong for everyone but yourself.
There is nothing wrong with the odd duvet day, but you have a lot going on. Please remember that you are a woman - but not superwoman. You cant deal with everything and its okay to not be okay.
Try to find a counsellor. Someone to talk to and offload to.
We all find it hard at times. Don't be ashamed or worried about how you are feeling. It happens to many of us.
Don't struggle alone. Seek help. Talk to someone. Take care of yourself!

[BlueSuffragette]

for you. Sorry you are having such s horrible time. Having to work in a stressful job and care for elderly parents is very tough. Can you get more support for parents from social services?

[ScottCheggJnr]

As they say "when you're going through he'll, keep going..."

Things will improve at some point whether it's tomorrow or next year. I felt the same in my last job and it was utterly devastating my mental health along with an undiagnosed hormonal problem which is now thankfully sorted.

[Shriekingbanshee]

First thought, clearly keeping work and income going is priority's. Do might be depressed but he's out of work he can be employed putti g his back into helping with the house clearing g and organising stuff.

Also running errands for your DPs. How much does he help carry the load?

Where are you? What sort of work? May be MNers nearby can help, I want to if I can

[Birdie69]

If your partner is out of work, can't he do the family support things ? Partners have to take care of family too , not sink into a heap when out of work. it might make him feel better too, to be useful to the family. A lot of these things which you mention, should surely be a family responsibility, not just yours.

I often wonder when I see posts on MN about women trying to be everything to everyone, and the partner seems to do nothing to help. Maybe yours needs a kick up the rear end , a reminder that there are two of you in this relationship, not one.

[LivininaBox]

That is a huge amount to deal with so it is no surprise you are struggling to cope.

Do you have siblings? Time to tell them you can't do it alone if so.

Tell your DP to step up and help with house stuff and elderly relatives.

Can your DP get a part time job to get him out the house and active - e.g. in a cafe, postal worker - just to give him some purpose and get him meeting people?

Your DP also needs to make the meals if not already doing so, and make you multiple cups of tea.

No boiler sounds tough now the weather has turned cold. But you can strip wash at the sink with water from the kettle. Lots. Of blankets and hot water bottles for bed til you get it fixed. Do you parents gave a house you could stay in til while DF in hospital?

[AiryFairyUnicornRainbow]

Tough times dont last , tough people do

I know its cliche, but in those kind of situations i draw strength from that

I know frm my own experiences that one person can only deal with so much before they snap though

[Eilaianne]

Youre trying to be everyone's rock here - if there were three of you that would be a lot to juggle physically and emotionally.

I think the biggest problem here is that you've recognized something has to give but still need permission from us to try and rebalance all of those conflicting needs.

It's ok to visit your dad every second day - ask other relatives to step in, Don't shoulder it alone and don't be guilt tripped into more than you can do.
What is your partner doing to pull his weight around the house?
You can't fix your DD relationship - be there for her, but part of parenting is not taking their emotional load and fixing problems for her. Step back, encourage her to build resilience but don't take on her worries.
And so on.

I think you're a coper OP , and other people rely on you to get stuff done, deal with things, and you enable them to not pull their weight.

I e seen friends and relatives do similar (especially around elder care) - they stretch and stretch and eventually they snap. One good friend ended up having a mental breakdown herself after years of full-time work alongside caring for her increasingly demanding frail mother. And then she wasn't anyone's help, she's still not the same person five years later and her mum now in full-time care. Trying to run on empty in a similar way will take you to a similar place - learn from this thread and Don't make the same mistakes.

[JaceLancs]

Thank you so much for all your replies and kindness I just typed a really long reply got called away to do something n lost it!
Will try again a bit later when I’m not out and about and juggling everything

[JaceLancs]

Back now
DP does not live with me he is around an hours drive away and we only meet at weekends - when he is around he does help, in fact spent all yesterday trying to fix my ancient boiler, £150 later with new timer, thermostat, thermocouple and pump I now have hot water and heating - had a lovely soak in the bath this morning which made me feel much better
I think I needed permission not to feel I have to visit DF every day, I went last night and he was having a good day, so will miss tonight as I’m taking the morning off work to see him on Monday and attend MDT meeting re him
I do have a sibling who also helps, but they work away more than I do and I live nearer so consequently do more
DD and DS both adults also visit DF and help keep an eye on DM
I only mentioned DP being out of work, because it worsens his depression and also impacts on my finances as I help him where I can
He is on a training course starting tomorrow which will hopefully open up other job opportunities or contracts as he feels his age counts against him when looking for work
I can’t do much about my own work stress - I do work from home sometimes and will be working tonight to get ahead for the week and make up for hours lost last week due to DF and MDT tomorrow

[JaceLancs]

I will not be able to be a carer for either of my parents but will ensure that they get a decent package of care when appropriate at moment DM can cope and DF is still in hospital
It will depend on how well he recovers whether we have to look at nursing homes or care in own home
I will do what I can to help but know my limitations and I need to earn a living

[Shriekingbanshee]

Just a thought after reading that OP, to ensure you are only doing an equal share, and not supporting your sibling to be in their role too at cost to you, just to make sure it is fair on you both.
What an able dp to fix all those bits on the boiler and how lovely to have that soak in the bath!