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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not accept this response from teacher and go to the head

31 replies

WishfulHope · 25/10/2018 10:31

Dd year 1 prior to school she was a confident, sociable popular happy girl. Miserable throughout foundation but teacher put some things in place buddy system etc and she perked for the last month before summer hols. Now year 1 and there’s two job share teachers for her class. I’ve not really spoke to them besides hello and goodbye.
But this morning mentioned to teacher that dd is getting upset again about coming to school and is lonely (her word) - teachers response was pure attitude including ‘if there’s a problem I’d tell you there’s a problem’
Pointing at dd and saying ‘she’s happy now look at her’ etc
They will not accept that dd is struggling - shall I go to head?
I’m seriously thinking about other school options

OP posts:

ShanghaiDiva · 25/10/2018 10:36

I would approach the teacher again, not the head. Arrange a meeting or email your concerns.

Jimpix · 25/10/2018 10:37

Have you had parents evening this term? If not, I’d make a proper appointment with the teacher to discuss your concerns first.

If you just caught the teacher and mentioned it to her in passing, she may not have realised how unsettled your dd is.

TeaForTiger · 25/10/2018 10:37

What makes you think they wouldn't tell you if there was a problem?

Could it be possible that she is actually fine at school, but just saying these things to you to get a reaction?

There's only so much the teacher can say/do if there isn't anything going on at school.

AceAcer · 25/10/2018 10:38

Ask for a meeting with the teacher to discuss it properly.

DunesOfSand · 25/10/2018 10:40

Another one suggesting asking for a meeting with one of the teachers. Going straight to the head after a one line conversation is a bit ott.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 25/10/2018 10:41

I'm Y1 teacher. I have certainly told parents that I'd tell them if there was a problem - because I can only act on their behaviour at school. If they go in happy, appear happy in class, and leave happy... that's my perception.

However, I'm fully aware that you know your child better than I do, so I think it's fine to reiterate that your dd is saying she feels lonely. In these situations I'd get playground supervisors to monitor who she actually plays with outside. I'd look at relationships in the classroom, and check any issues that might exist. But ultimately there can, and sometimes is, be a huge gulf between how the child presents at school and what they are saying to their parents. And all the school can do is keep an eye on things. We can't tell you there's a big problem if we just don't see it.

fruityb · 25/10/2018 10:42

The teacher knows them far better than the head will I’m sure. And often as teachers we hear kids saying one thing and we see the exact opposite in school. Not saying your daughter isn’t unhappy but there may be more to it. I would also say to a parent if I’d seen a problem I would let them know - I can’t if I haven’t.

Arrange an appointment to talk it over. I think you seem to have an issue with two teachers sharing here as well as”pure attitude” from a teacher. Seeing the head won’t really make a difference in my opinion - talk to the ones that spend the most time with her and see what you can do. It tends to get backs up when someone goes over your head as a teacher - it’s undermining and far better to go straight to them.

AjasLipstick · 25/10/2018 10:42

It sounds like the teacher has a bad communication style. If she's seen DD playing happily, then she should have specifically have said that.

As it is, she dismissed you.

I would not go to the head about this just yet. But I would book a proper appointment with both teachers to sit down and discuss DD's social development in full.

It's fine to do that.

That's their job. They won't perhaps have more than 15 minutes to give you but that's enough. Write down some questions to make sure you get them all in.

SingaporeSlinky · 25/10/2018 10:44

I’d make an appointment with the teacher, as it’s hard at drop off or pick up when they’ve got all the kids coming in, and can’t give you their full attention.
In the meeting, explain what the child has said, as sometimes kids seem fine at school and then burst into tears as soon as they get home. So give examples and think about solutions you can suggest, like a repeat of the buddy system. If teacher dismisses it, then ask to meet with head of year or the head teacher. Don’t switch schools as that’s very drastic and could be more unsettling.

ZigZagZebras · 25/10/2018 10:49

Have you tried arranging for children to come over/come to the park with you for a bit after school etc?
My daughter kept saying that in reception and now she's in year one shes seen friends 2-3 times a week outside of school since the start of the summer holidays as 2 friends live about 30 seconds away.
She's been a lot happier about school and not mentioned being lonely at all, think it solidifies friendships a lot seeing them out of school too.

Schroedingerscatagain · 25/10/2018 10:53

I’m a firm believer that you are the expert on your child

DD was like this, we knew something was wrong but most teachers through primary would say things like ‘she’s always smiling so she’s fine’

Dd was finally diagnosed with ASD in her mid teens, even her psychiatrist says she is the queen of maskers

the smile was her mask which we told teachers for years as we knew her, only one primary teacher saw it all the others looked superficially

Don’t go in all guns blazing but insist on a meeting with the teacher and explain what you see and experience, don’t let it drop

youarenotkiddingme · 25/10/2018 10:56

Teachers will say there's not a problem because child is not disruptive.

So send an email to the teacher clearly stating that you are pleased she doesn't see a problem with DD in school and that her behaviour is acceptable so she blends in. However she is having difficulties with x h and z which is causing her upset about coming to school and as the things she had last year to address this aren't working anymore (Male our you assume it's carried on whatever the situation) you like to arrange a meeting to address her needs and how you can work with the school to address this.

Send email to general office email FAO teacher. Then she can't ignore it

NicePieceOfPlaid · 25/10/2018 10:57

It's rude to just raise this at the beginning of school. The teacher will be distracted by what she's meant to be doing. If you want more than a very quick word then you should make a proper appointment.

oh4forkssake · 25/10/2018 11:02

Raise it again with BOTH teachers by email, then head of year, then Head.

I discovered this year that the problems DD1 had with a "strong character" in year 1 (which were dealt with by the class teachers, to a point) weren't communicated to the Year 2 teacher. The girl in question started again on DD1 on the first day of term this year. I raised it immediately and it ebbed and flowed with the class teacher having a word both individually and with the whole class until the week before half term when the teacher put "active management" (her words) in place to make sure the girls have no contact.

If she hadn't, I was off to see the Year Head, followed by the safeguarding lead (since this is clearly bullying) followed by the Head.

I'm hoping that it stays quiet after half term - the week before half term was so much better.

oh4forkssake · 25/10/2018 11:02

At our school we're encouraged to raise things like this at drop off and also at pick up.

AnNiEAnoNiMouse · 25/10/2018 11:05

Take it to the Head.

The attitude is unacceptable.

If she had just been a bit dismissive then I’d have made an appointment to discuss it properly with her first, but that attitude is shit and she needs telling. There IS a problem, you’d just told her that, who does she think she is to tell you your DD doesn’t have a problem?

I’m very supportive of teachers, I think they put up with a lot of shit from parents, but this is not one of those times.

OneInEight · 25/10/2018 11:07

Definitely, arrange a meeting to discuss. Teacher's can very easily miss this type of issue because of their large workload but we found asking specific questions can highlight the problem. E.g. ds2's teacher at one point claimed he had no social problems and had friends but when she was asked to name one couldn't actually do so.

Angelil · 25/10/2018 11:07

As it is a job share, have you spoken with the other teacher as well? Do they both see your daughter for equal amounts of time?
I think you need to speak to one/both teachers again before escalating.

RB68 · 25/10/2018 11:15

Please also bear in mind this is the end of term - teachers have had enough too so might be waiting for first week back

Everincreasingfrequency · 25/10/2018 11:16

"Write down some questions to make sure you get them all in."

And have an idea of what you want to come away with - so, for example, any measures to be put in place; a follow up phone call in a week's time to discuss progress, and so on.

I agree with pp saying speak to teacher properly before going to head - but if teacher genuinely doesn't see a problem when your dd is getting upset then you may need to go higher up. Some teachers are just more receptive than others to 'friendship issues' concerns.

Volant · 25/10/2018 11:17

Gah, there really ought to be compulsory training for teachers about the way children with neurological and psychological difficulties tend to mask things in school.

Volant · 25/10/2018 11:18

End of term? Not for another 7 weeks.

HenryInTheTunnel · 25/10/2018 11:24

I am a teacher and I don't think there was any need for her to be brusque with you in that way, however I do see that drop offs and pick ups aren't ideal opportunities to pass on more than just a quick FYI type message.

I agree that a proper meeting would be more useful. See how her response is then. Maybe she was having a bad morning and will be really helpful once you've got the time to sit down. If she isn't understanding then look at speaking to the next level up, which may not be the Head depending on the size of the school.

Original poster

WishfulHope · 25/10/2018 12:17

In hindsight agree with posters who said it wasn’t great timing to talk through this at drop off point taken.

Just had a phone call asking me to go to the school today for a meeting with before pick up about my dd from the school office so maybe she did think afterwards that she’d not handled it in the best way.

OP posts:

BumsexAtTheBingo · 25/10/2018 12:19

I’d go higher tbh. Whether that’s the head of year or the deputy/head will depend on the school so check the website. You tried to raise it with the teacher and were dismissed so I don’t blame you for not wanting to try again.
It’s not up to her to say there’s no problem because she hasn’t seen it. Your child feels there’s a problem. Plenty of kids hold in how they are feeling for the school day then it all comes pouring out at home. I know my ds used to be the same. He daren’t have shown his upset at school because kids who did were called babies.

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