AIBU to ask for tips on being with a depressed DP

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

During a heart to heart with my DP about the state of our relationship, he opened up to me that he is depressed and needs to go to the doctors.

This might not be the right words but in a way I’m glad there’s an actual reason for our issues and not just that the relationship has run it’s course.

I don’t want to hinder him getting better in anyway so I was hoping to receive some advice from others who have been in my position that will help us get through this as a couple.

Work out where you will get your support from, because DP won't be able to give it, and he needs to feel you are strong, not about to fall over.

maybe try and take him outside a lot or work out together as a couple, its supposed to have a positive effect. but i second pandi - take good care of yourself and keep your boundaries intact. it is not your illness you are allowed to have fun, and you are not his solution either.

Thanks both, I really didn’t want to make this about me but I have been wondering how I handle this, how this will impact me and our little baby.

I have a close family and some good friends that I will be able to rely on for support thankfully.

When I had PND my husband was a rock. We didn't spend ages talking about it (he's not a big talker!) but I knew without a doubt that he was solidly on my side, that he would always be there even though I didn't think I was worth it. Now I've got through it I know I'll always be grateful for that strong, silent support and it has brought us closer together.

We were talking recently because a friend has depression, his wife is fed up and says if he doesn't pull himself together she's leaving. I explained to my husband that now I'm better, if he were to leave I'd fight for him. I'd lose weight and smarten up, I'd make an effort to show him I'm worth hanging around for. However when I was in the grips of PND I would have told him he was right to leave, that he could do better and I didn't deserve him. I would have helped him pack, knowing I was too worthless for him to stay. The tough love wouldn't have worked.

I think all you can do is let him know you're there for him in whatever way he needs. If he wants space, give it while always letting him know you love him. If he needs constant reassurance than do so, but in a genuine way rather than gushing. When he feels worthless, remind him that's the depression and that to you he is everything. Don't be afraid to let him know when you're struggling, give him the opportunity to support you because it will make him feel he has some value, but be gentle and careful of his feelings. It won't be easy so do try and encourage him to seek professional help.

if he were to leave I'd fight for him. I'd lose weight and smarten up, I'd make an effort to show him I'm worth hanging around for.

Gosh, if he could be influenced by those things having already left you, you'd be well rid!

Remember having depression isn't an excuse to behave badly towards you..
My exh used it as an excuse to be a nasty lazy twat.

Yep. I've had depression and anxiety and I've never been horrible to my dh and always known I love him even even at it's worst.

Just want to echo what others have said. Take care of yourself and don’t allow yourself to be consumed by his illness.

He has said he wants to get help, that’s an important step. With my ex he’d say this then stop taking his anti depressants (he refused counselling of any kind). I could tell within a matter of days but he couldn’t see the change in himself.

Support him and be there to talk him through the difficult times but don’t burn yourself out.

I hope that hasn’t come across in a negative way. I have a very negative experience of being in a relationship with someone who was manipulating and controlling but used his depression as an excuse to ‘get away with it’ for longer than he should have. I’m not saying that will be your experience as well.

Gosh, if he could be influenced by those things having already left you, you'd be well rid!

:D You're absolutely right @headinhands and fortunately he's not like that at all, however it affects how I feel about myself. For example when I had PND I went for days without showering, brushing my hair or teeth or even changing my clothes - I wore his joggers and sweatshirts, in summer, in Spain at 40C . He never said an unkind word about it but I know what it did to me.

My ExH was also lazy and nasty but used his depression as an excuse.

He went through a cycle of going to the doctors, taking antidepressants for a month or two, then giving up, and repeat. He seemed to think it was a problem for me to solve. It killed our marriage eventually.

If he is actively trying to sort this out, then it could be ok, although it is a tough road to go down. You can be there to listen and support him, but ultimately the drive to get better needs to come from him.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

It seems I’m quite lucky in the regard he isn’t lazy at all and pulls his weight with things around the house and the baby. Although he could put stuff in the dishwasher a bit more! .

I don’t know much about depression but it’s not that he is extremely sad or anything like that, it’s more that he is flat. He doesn’t find the happiness in any situation, nothing excites him and he has no get up and go for anything, including hobbies that he enjoys.

There is more to it than what I’ve said here but I don’t want to disclose anymore as it’s too personal to my DP.