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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being in hospital

36 replies

allupsidedown · 24/10/2018 22:41

I have a condition that isn't really under control at the moment. I've tried my best but today accepted that I needed to go into hospital.
Part of my issue was that my dh has been working so much that I didn't feel I could go into hospital as I didn't know what would happen with our kids. His parents were away helping out his sister, my family were on a cruise. They are all back around as of last night.
Dh has been working 12+ hour days. Meanwhile I've been trying to soldier on, being sick, in pain, having no energy but looking after our young kids during the school holidays. I've lost 6kg in a couple of months because of it.
The nurse at the clinic wanted me in on Friday but I hoped that with a different set of meds I would be fine. Dh knew this and knew that the medication probably wouldn't work instantly. He still decided to go out to a networking thing for work on Saturday. I had been relying on him taking over then so I could sleep.
I told him if he didn't get home for tea, the children and I would be elsewhere. His response was that the bosses organised it and he couldn't pull out on the day. I disagreed. I think he had a very valid reason.
Today, after a week of keeping nothing down and not being able to sleep because of nausea, I accepted that I had to go into hospital. Dh, had left for work before 7am. I phoned him from the gp surgery to tell him I was being admitted. He did nothing. Just said to let him know how I got on.
That meant I had to organise care for our girls, pack bags for myself and the girls as it is probably easier for them to stay with their grandparents, sort the washing so my spare pjs will be ready to go if I have to stay a while, take the kids to their friends, organise with family getting the girls, then drive myself into hospital.
I would always try to put the girls first but today was a massive struggle.
Dh didn't even ask what was happening. Doesn't know which ward I'm in. I asked him to at least go round to his mum to give them a goodnight kiss. Both kids are very anxious about me as they have seen me throwing up and rolling around in pain.
He didn't even phone them let alone go see them. He hasn't visited me. I phoned him and he had decided to stay even later at the office and get cracking.
AIBU to think his priorities should have been with his wife and kids today. The office is important but not life and death. We needed him. He says I'm being ridiculous that he is working like this for us. I'm fed up feeling guilty for wanting some support. I'm pretty mentally strong but there is a limit and I'm at it.

OP posts:

LatteLover12 · 24/10/2018 22:45

What an arse!

for you OP - I hope you’re on the mend soon.

Do you see a future with him? In those circumstances I’d be seriously considering LTB I’m afraid.

Jamiefraserskilt · 24/10/2018 23:19

What's he for?

stationaryace · 24/10/2018 23:55

Woah, not on. I've had a few hospital admissions recently, plus various outpatient visits and DH has been behind me the whole time, as he should and I would do for him. This is not a time for him to earn brownie points at work, this is when he needs to step up for your family and be there for your kids when you can't. Ideally he'd come see you too but the main focus should be on them. Tell him to stop being a twat and pull his head out of his arse. Shame him to his boss if needs be.

Beetlebum1981 · 25/10/2018 00:06

I'd be livid, especially for not even ringing the kids to say goodnight. He's being a complete arse. Hope you feel better soon

Mumof1DS · 25/10/2018 00:13

YANBU.
Good job you sent them to their grandparents. He clearly feels it's your responsibility to deal with the children, hospital admission or not. I'd be disappointed he showed such little concern for you whilst poorly, let alone the children. Maybe have some serious words about where his priorities lie upon your return home.
Hope you feel better soon

Sicario · 25/10/2018 00:17

Holy shit. That is seriously selfish bastard territory. I would be very upset. Do please take care of yourself and concentrate on getting better. Wishing you a speedy recovery and hope you get the care you deserve. Try not to worry about the kids - they are being looked after, and that is what you need too.

TheSheepofWallSt · 25/10/2018 00:18

It sounds like you have HG- if so, and you’re about to have another baby- your husband sounds like a dead weight you don’t need. I’d get rid. What an arsehole.

Original poster

allupsidedown · 25/10/2018 03:07

Thank you everyone. No more babies here, thankfully. Dh did send me a message at midnight asking what is happening tomorrow evening. I told him to get organising because there is little point in me trying to coordinate everything from hospital.
I just would never have expected him to behave

OP posts:

Original poster

allupsidedown · 25/10/2018 03:12

This way. (Sorry posted as I went to throw up again.)
He is just behaving as the man I married. I don't know this arrogant, corporate idiot that he is being like.

OP posts:

Peridot1 · 25/10/2018 03:17

He sounds utterly selfish.

My DH worked hard and was very work focussed but would have dropped everything in a situation like yours.

Am I right in thinking your dds are with his parents? I hope they are disgusted with him.

And I hope you feel better. Sounds like you are in the best place. But of course worrying about your dcs and their fathers lack of care won’t be helping you.

Worieddd · 25/10/2018 03:23

Oh op that sounds awful.

Am I right in that he hasn’t even visited you or the kids? If so what an absolute arse! I’d be having serious words with him. Do you work?

pacempercutiens · 25/10/2018 03:31

He definitely doesn't have the right priorities. Good on you for telling him to sort tomorrow

I hope you feel better soon OP

1MillionSelfiesTakenByMyKids · 25/10/2018 03:33

big hugs. I think you've done the right thing bouncing the organising back to him. He needs to get his priorities straight

Original poster

allupsidedown · 25/10/2018 03:50

Yes, I work too, usually do everything for kids and all cooking. He will do household chores when prompted but everything is always a massive effort.
I'm more upset about him not being there for the kids. The eldest, in particular, was very upset this morning when I had to go in. I had to peel her off me. The youngest was ok then but I FaceTimed them and she just said, "are you coming home to me?" Over and over again. She has also been waking in the night and wanting cuddles, only sleeping attached to me. This is a kid who used to bend herself double to get back in her cot. She usually likes her space. I can recognise that neither of them are completely fine with me being in here. They are worried. They needed their daddy to reassure them too.
His parents are very annoyed at him. This is a first. I don't know if they will be as annoyed as to say something to him though.
My eldest this morning passive aggressively ate all the fresh pineapple. She was going to keep some for daddy as she knows he loves it too. Instead she ate it and left a note saying "ate the pineapple because you weren't here to get any"
That made me laugh!
The sad thing is, he will make himself ill carrying on these hours. We need at least one fit and healthy parent. Hope the new drugs make me as good as new.
He can forget me upping my hours when the youngest starts school in August. One of us needs to be there for the kids. He cannot be relies upon but I will be there.

OP posts:

surlycurly · 25/10/2018 04:00

My ex husband was like this. Worked like a maniac. Turned out we were in massive amounts of debt. Debt aside though, he was also a selfish bastard. My health was bad towards the end of my marriage and I could have had less compassion from him. Indeed he treated me like I was either making it up of being a nuisance... I had a burst disc in my back- difficult to make up! I really hope your DH can change but I suspect not. Sometimes it's better being alone. Especially if you are anyway. I hope you get things under control soon OP x

surlycurly · 25/10/2018 04:00

Bowerbird5 · 25/10/2018 04:04

He’s burying his head in the sand ( at work ) so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Poor you.my DH can be like this. Years ago I had a heart attack. He works away from home but didn’t ask for compassionate leave. The older boys had to look after themselves and DD. I was in for 5 days and on oxygen. Luckily I have very good friends no relatives nearby. Sis is nearest 300 miles away. I asked him what he would have done if I had died and when he said he would obviously have come home I told “ Why bother!”
Do you have a good GP? Would s/he put in a word to him? Sometimes someone else pointing out the obvious works.
Make the most of it while you are there rest up and recover. Hate the American expression but it works here. If he asks again just tell him. “Step up to the plate!”
Hope you feel a bit better soon💐

Angrybird345 · 25/10/2018 06:21

Wow! I’d be leaving him over this. He’s treating you like a worthless member of staff. What a selfish prick. As for your poor kids, he’s a shit dad.

Blanchedupetitpois · 25/10/2018 06:24

What a prick. Would you not be better off without him?

Sicario · 25/10/2018 08:03

Good morning OP. Hope you managed to get some rest last night. Just sending hugs again. Maybe send a text to your DH to tell him "over to you" on the kids, house, arrangements, cooking, etc, while you're unwell, and he can either shape up or ship out. A good healthy relationship is about teamwork, and if he doesn't want to be a team player, then maybe he should go and play somewhere else on his own.

FrancesFryer · 25/10/2018 08:13

No one on their death bed says i wish I'd spend more time at work

Worriedmummybekind · 25/10/2018 08:15

For what it’s worth my husband has a life and death job and would have everything he could to find cover and failing that would have rung friends and family to rally round, rung and come as soon as he did the essential part of his job to visit in the hospital. I think your husband has totally lost sight of his workaholic issues and the serious impact that’s having on his family.

JamPasty · 25/10/2018 08:18

Honest to god I would leave someone who showed so little care for their family.

JennyOnAPlate · 25/10/2018 08:19

What an utter cunt he is op (please do tell him I said that).

He has clearly shown you what his priorities are and you and your dc deserve better

Babdoc · 25/10/2018 08:24

You remember Princess Diana saying there were “three of us in this marriage”?
I think you have the opposite problem- there is only one of you in your marriage.
Your husband sounds like he checked out of it a while ago.
His behaviour wouldn’t be acceptable even if you were a sahm, but you say you work as well! I’m speechless- what a total selfish shit your husband is.
He is no use to you whatever, OP. I struggle to see what is in this so called marriage for you. What happened to his vows of “in sickness and in health”?
I’d tell him he pulls his weight or you divorce the useless lump.
My prayers for your rapid recovery, and the strength to deal with your situation. God bless.

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