To not feel a part of the family - PILs

[amandanorgaard]

Apologies, this is a bit lengthy:
So me and partner, we're early/mid twenties and have moved in with his parents, it makes sense financially as we're both in uni. No children yet - I love Mumsnet though as I'm a student children's nurse and I can't wait to have my own babies!!!
Anyway, his family are quite different to mine. Mine was very small, close, affectionate, love giving presents, while his is big, not affectionate, don't do presents etc.
Don't get me wrong, his parents are fab practically; let us live with them rent-free, FIL fixes my car, MIL picks us up from nights out etc.
I feel like MIL wants me to do more about the house, she'll make comments sometimes. But I'm at uni all day every day with a fairly long commute and work all weekend. Me and partner have the upstairs of their converted bungalow and I keep our two rooms clean, do our washing, as well as cleaning the bathroom downstairs that we share with his brother. AIBU not to do more?!
Also, I just don't feel part of the family. Me and PIL always had a good relationship, me and partner have been together 3 years and me and his parents have got on really well. I just feel like there's a tension there somewhere since I've moved in and can't really put my finger on it! Just a bit uncomfortable, any tips on what I can do about that?
Or AIBU and should get on with it as they're fab and helpful and kind people??

Does your dp cook for them at all, buy food. Cook them a meal.

So you’re keeping your rooms clean and tidy, doing your own laundry and cleaning a shared bathroom downstairs. What is your DP doing? Or does MIL consider chores to be ‘women’s work’? Perhaps you and DP should sit down with your PIL and have an open discussion about the division of housework, but the brother and your DP should be doing their share.

I would guess the tensions are around having extra people in the house. Getting on during visits isn’t the same as having someone actually living in your house and it will take time for everyone to adjust to the arrangements. Maybe PIL aren’t as happy with the reality of having you both there as they were with the thought of it.

What do DP and his brother do? If nothing, I would not want to be expected to clean after them either. But if they do their share then it's also not fair to expect to be treated as family while behaving like a guest.

Does she expect your dp to do more too?
If it's just you, yanbu.
But if it's both of you, then yab massively u. I'm not surprised there's tension if they're giving you so so so much, and you're giving nothing in return.

@Allthewaves we do a shop most weeks and get food, cleaning stuff, toiletries and that. We tend to cook for ourselves as we all work different schedules. Like the idea of DP cooking a meal though, would be nice to get family time.

@CantWaitToRetire it's annoying cause I had him well trained when we lived together, he seems to have regressed a bit now he's living with mummy... she is very traditional yes, FIL has never changed a nappy I found out today!! We maybe do need to have the conversation about sharing housework and set actual expectations?

Thanks for the replies!!

If you are living there rent free, getting your car fixed for free, you should be cleaning your arse off along with anything else you can do to help. So what that you commute to uni and work weekends? I assure you most of us have been equally as busy for decades, with children to raise as well. You need to go above and beyond in pulling your weight as far as I'm concerned.

DP and his brother don't do anything, I had trained DP up somewhat when we had our own place last year but now it's back to square one...

TBH I think if she wants you to make a bit more of an effort, then you probably should.

This people are being very generous to you. Don’t assume that you should take it for granted because she’s happy to baby her own child.

If, As an adult, you are staying rent free in someone else's home for a long time, you need to be doing everything you possibly can to pay back, in whichever way you can.
Show your gratitude, otherwise yes, there will be tension.
What are they getting out of this deal?

I'll be honest - hasn't thought of it as 'what are they getting out of it' before which is really selfish of me 
I think I definitely do need to make more of an effort then, they are being fab and I do appreciate it, I maybe haven't shown it.

Thanks everyone for your help.

If your partner doesn't get his act together and start behaving like a grown man, you need to bin him off and leave him with his mummy. If you don't, your future will be as his second mother who has to deal with everything.

Not just you. Kick your DP's arse as well - otherwise when you move back out you'll end up doing absolutely everything.

Do either one of ye ever sit down and say thank you to them, and actually tell them how grateful ye are?

I'm conscious of sounding spoiled; I've read my OP back and I do sound like a bit of a brat. I can assure you I'm not, I've worked my arse off since leaving home to pay my own way. This is the first time since leaving home I've accepted any help, and I have thanked them for various bits and pieces but I maybe haven't shown it. Best get my big girl pants on!