AIBU or is my friend a CF

[NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound]

I live in a house share and my friend has an associate coming to stay at the weekend. Someone she agreed to let stay knowing we don't have a spare room. The associate is to stay in her room, which is all good. She's free to have whoever she wants to stay. However she has decided that she's going to share my bed/room with me this weekend or because she knows I'm thinking of going away at the weekend she wants to use my room and let her guest have hers.

She never asked me any of this but assumed that it would be ok with me and basically came in and TOLD me that she'd either be sleeping with me and sharing my room or she'd be using my room herself while I'm away. If she'd of asked I'd either have considered it or been comfortable telling her no. Because I have ASD, OCD, ODD, PDA and Anxiety, my room is my safe space, my bubble of security where nothing is moved or changed without my say so. It's where I go to escape from the world.

If I invite a guest depending on my relationship with the guest I'd either sleep with them, on the floor in my room, the sofa or the floor in a friends room. And I'd not invite them before checking that my other housemates were ok with that. I would never presume that I could dictate where I was sleeping.

She made brief mention of sleeping on the couch but then said that obviously she's not going to do that because she can share with me, as the couch isn't as comfortable as a bed and it means she'd have to stay up later because she likes to be in bed and asleep by eleven and our housemates/friends obviously don't especially on a weekend and then be up early because of the poor blinds/curtain situation plus housemates that are early risers coming into the lounge. And I can't see why she thought sharing with me would be much better. I have RLS so my legs twitch and jerk all night. I sleep four four/five hours a night max which is why I have the room furthest from everyone else's so I don't disturb anyone when I'm up past four and awake before eight.

I don't want her in my room if I'm here or not and I especially don't want to leave her my room keys while I'm not here. But she is emotionally immature and I can't tell her this without her crying or going into a strop which is going to damage our friendship which in all other respects is great. She is usually a great friend if occasionally thoughtless like this. She's 19 so it's to be expected sometimes I suppose. But because she's not given me a choice I feel backed into a corner and I'm not happy. But I have to live with her at least another year so I need to keep the peace as much as possible.

It's the assuming and telling me what is happening that has annoyed me more than anything especially as I don't see why I should be inconvenienced and stressed because she's decided to invite a guest based on an incorrect assumption that I'd not expect any rational person to have.

Honestly, the best possible life lesson people like this can have is for someone to look them in the eye and say 'Fuck off, no.'I'm not going to give you what you want, because I don't want to.'
Because sooner or later, someone will simply not give a toss that poor ickle baby is used to getting his/her own way and gets terribly upset when not immediately indulged. Once such people realise that they are not the centre of the universe and can't just get what they want by telling people this is what's going to happen, they generally become more bearable to be around, a d are also likely to be happier in the long run.

I've gone with a cop out. If I go away this weekend I'll try not to forget leaving my key but things are stressful at home so I might leave in a rush so I make no promises. I think she's twigged I'm not gonna leave them because she keeps mentioning how she'll be screwed if I forget to leave them but two of our other housemates are going home at the weekend and she's not mentioned it to them (she doesn't know the guys as well as she knows me but if she was that concerned she'd of mentioned it). Our other housemate told her if I forget to leave the keys she could sleep in the shed to which I replied that the couches are actually rather comfy. Which I know because I've slept on them when I was ill.

I'd go with telling her she made too large an assumption, and not given a moments consideration to you. Then leave. She will have to think about that
She sounds horrendous, and I think you will be doing her a huge favour to say this to her kindly but firmly.

I do not agree that a 19yr old emotional wreck should be told to 'fuck off'. Bloody hell, no wonder the suicide rate is soaring! How fucking callous and nasty.

You sound like a very caring and kind person indeed, but needing some boundaries of your own to keep a normal distance between you and others.

I'd not tell her to f-off. I we're friends but even if we weren't its not my nature. There are nicer ways to express yourself.

I think I'm so used to being the 'mum' of the group because I've always cared for babies/children and teens her age so I occupy a different place in the friendship, which is one I'm happy with generally because it works with my personality. When they need someone to talk to or bounce ideas off I'm there, if they need to learn how to do something I'll be there. But I do not like to make myself vulnerable to them. I fix their issues not the other way around.

I admit I struggle with boundary setting. I either let people walk all over me or theres a wall nothing can penetrate between us. I'm still learning how to fix that balance.

I just need a way to tell people things in a way that doesn't steamroll them or invalidate their feelings. Regardless of how irrational they are, because that is all feelings are irrational brain impulses we're powerless to control. And when she gets older/matures a bit I'm sure she'll do the same because she is a very loving if at times senseless and selfish person like every other human on the planet. She's just not learnt how to deal with that yet.

I think telling her clearly would be best, for your friendship in the long run it’ll be better if she knows not to make such weird imposing assumptions. There’s been some good examples of phrases you could use here.

I think thats what I'm going to do. The help and support here has been great.

Its better and more direct to ask a question about what consideration she gave to you in this, and quite an assumption to make, is she aware that it's a very personal thing, not one that anyone could assume is going to be complied with by any means!

I think the only consideration she gave was that this wouldn't bother her. So why should it bother me.

Why isn't work visitor staying at a room paid for by ... You Know... Work ?

Because they're here for an informal non compulsory 'networking' event. Which means she's invited the guest to stay here.

Hi OP, would a script help you?

Something like:

You: 'Hi Roommate. I've been thinking about your weekend plans and I just want to let you know that I'm not comfortable with someone else being in my bedroom while I'm away. It's my private space. I hope this doesn't put you out too much, but I'm afraid I feel strongly about this and won't change my mind.'

Roommate: 'what?!? What will I do then? I can't sleep on the couch! Why can't you just help me out, it's only two nights and you won't even be here!'

You: 'I'm sorry you're upset, but I can't feel differently about this. I wanted to let you know as early as possible so you can make other arrangements.'

At which you can be flabbergasted, mouth open and say, you didn't even consider me or how I might feel for one moment? Are you aware of what a massive assumption you have made?

I don't agree with just 'forgetting' to leave the keys. She might find a way to break in, for one. Also it's totally fine to explain to her why it's a problem! If you think of her as a young person who just doesn't understand, then be a friend and communicate honestly so she can learn and catch up.

You don't need to be mean or disregard her feelings. Just be clear and honest. Maybe even use the word 'boundary'! She needs to learn about them. 'My room being private is a clear boundary for me personally, roommate. It's not that I don't want to help you'

Her behaving selfishly is best reflected back to her, rather than, 'no' sorry, I am not happy to, etc, which she can blame you for.

As she has form for this, and you want to remain friends but mentor type, she will become far more self aware with these type of reflections on her behaviours. You can demonstrate your affect rather than experience hers iyswim? You don't then need to explain that you don't want to open your private space for her to occupy andnshes certainly not going to win much trust being so selfish either so even less likely

I know for a fact she can't pick locks or break into the room. I'll try following the script and seeing how it goes. I just wonder how anyone gets to 19 without being taught that your actions and decisions often impact those around you so think of them before you do anything that could impact or intentionally inconvenience someone else. Hopefully this situation will help prevent it happening again.

OP I understand your anxiety about confronting her. Could you send her a text while you're out or something? Maybe that's delaying the awkwardness but it might be easier than saying it to her face.

I dislike texting. It leaves the ability to be saved and used in an argument later.

Everyone has thoroughly different reflective experience, some none at all so don't get develop the practice at all.

As you like to take the roll of mentor to the younger ones, mentor also means demonstrating what's expecting, leading by example.

If you think she's already aware, and she is from what you say then you,re already halfway there.

Don't 'forget' to leave the keys that's dishonest and then she will probs react even worse and not trust you anymore.

Keep reflecting back to her. I love Miranda for that - 'rude!'

I did wonder when you said there were others in the house why she didn't ask them. If she keeps up a 'but WHY' when you tell her no ask if she had assumed X or Y would share, did she ask them, why not, why did she assume you would without asking but consider it too much of an imposition to ask them.

Basically it needs to be put back on her that she has to find a solution since it's a problem of her doing. The couch won't hurt her.

YANBU but I don't think your friend is being a CF either - she just sounds immature. I think you both just have a different understanding of your friendship. When I was in 2 different houseshares, we used to share rooms all the time so multiple visitors could stay over or crash after a party. And whenever I was away I was happy for guests to use my room or my housemates to use my ensuite (since i was the only one with an ensuite). They did did the same for me so it was a mutual understanding - your friend's understanding of things is very one sided.

But why is your friend inviting a work associate she doesn't know well enough to share a room with? Who's she trying to impress? She also should have asked you beforehand... that way she'd have known not to make these plans.

I agree with the others that if you're uncomfortable just leave without making a scene and ignore any texts. No reason why she can't sleep on the sofa so she's not exactly screwed if you take your keys with you.

Can you tell her the way you feel about her in your room is the same way she feels about the sofa.
Can she not get air bed and put it in a corner somewhere?

This is an example where someone takes someone else's problem... Lack of bed /night accommodation.. Abd try and make it someone else's (your) problem...

If she's as daft as she seems she probably has promised this colleague a bed... As she's being 'bice'... And expecting others to pay (by being massively inconvenienced) for it...

I'm in the gently confront after the weekend...

Essentially...
Life lessons......
If you make offers of beds to random people, it's up to you to arrange it (and be inconvenienced).... Not to expect others to carry the can.... DO NOT EXPECT to use my room...

Teach her to be with the feeling of others trying to talk her into stuff (pleaaaaase, I'll have no where else to stay unless I can stay at yours... ') .... And NOT come up with a solution for them....