Aibu to tell dd to report self harming friend?

[Amidoingtheright]

Posting here for traffic really and to see if I've done the right thing.

Had a conversation with dd about her school friend who has told dd she has depression and anxiety and has counselling in the past. Dd has just told me that her friend, who is 13, has been self harming for the last few weeks. She's shared quite a bit of detail about what she uses to cut and how careful she is not to cut deep so her parents don't notice. Her friend told dd for the first time a few weeks ago and dd said if she carried on she was so worried she felt like she would have to tell a teacher. Today the friend has told her again that she's still self harming.
Dd has decided without us having to suggest it that she wants to go and tell the pastoral care teacher in school (I can't remember what the actual title is but the member of staff that deals with pupil well being).

We told dd that was a good choice and she isn't responsible for her friend and telling a trusted adult is a good idea because her friend can now get the help she needs. Dd is very upset and concerned about her friend and feels like she isnt helping her friend enough if she isn't saying the right things to help her stop harming.

Now I'm wondering if I've done the right thing? Should I let dd deal with this and tell the school staff and then risk upsetting her friend so her friend has no one to confide in anymore? Or should I be the one dealing with it and call the school?

Aibu to allow my 12 year old to deal with this and talk to the teacher?

Feel so sad for her friend and sad for my dd that she doesn't know how to help her friend. They seem so young to be dealing with such big issue.

Your DD sounds like a lovely friend, wise beyond her years, but you're right, 12 years old is very young to be dealing with such complex issues. The fact that she is confiding in you seems to show that she realises that this is too much for her.
I would tell her that you will support her in her decision to get help and support for her friend, and offer to make the call on her behalf, if she feels that doing it herself is "sneaking" in some way. If she feels strong enough to do it herself, praise and support her for realising that there are serious issues needing help here.

Tricky one, but if i was you i would go and speak to someone at the school myself. One of the heads of year? Your DDs form tutor? A heads up that so and so is self harming and that as far as you know no other adult is aware of it. You can ask if they can deal with it without involving your DDs name.

I had to do similar a few years ago. Help was sorted. My DD and the friend remained friends. Neither found out how the school was alerted.

I'd absolutely do what @twoshedsjackson suggests. Poor little girl.

Just to reassure you - no one's going to march up to the the girl and announce '' Amidoingtheright's daughter says your harming yourself! What's going on?''

They'll be discrete and kind.

I would certainly let the school know but don't expect too much to happen.

I took a friends daughter to the Drs when she came and told me she was self harming at 14. I encouraged her to talk to her mum but she wouldn't so I took her to the Drs to try and get her some help. The Dr chatted to her, gave her some websites to access and said her door was always open but she should try and tell her mum. That was it. There was nothing much else available for her. Thankfully she finally told her mum and has since stopped doing it - allegedly.

Mental health services for teenagers is sadly lacking.

Dd is not responsible for her friend and she has done the right thing in confiding in you. You must be a good mum for her to trust you.

Personally I would probably phone the teacher or school nurse myself to keep the responsibility with the adults & avoid my dd being dragged into it more. Also then you can feel you've done your bit and you know what's been passed on.
But in the interests of maintaining trust in your own family you could ask dd which option she prefers?

Teachers get told this stuff all the time by kids they will know how to handle it.

Please let the school know yourself. Your daughter may chicken out of it and not tell you. The school will be grateful and will have the tools to be able to support her friend. Reassure your daughter that she is being a great friend by telling staff but just quietly back it up yourself. Depends on how the school is structured but usually the head of year would be your first port of call.

I would speak to the school myself.

Last year DS2 (then in Year 7) told me how distressed one of his friends was that a boy kept trying to touch her and was making sexual comments. She hadn't told anyone because she was embarrassed. I impressed on DS2 that he needed to persuade her to talk to her mum but I phoned school myself because I wanted to be sure that something would be done. School were fine with it and having since met her parents I know they were very grateful.

I have been in this situation and I flagged it with my DCs school, who were aware of what was happening due to a history of self-harm and other issues. I asked my DC however what they wanted to do, and they asked me to flag it rather than them.