To not let family know my baby

[VeryAngryandUpset]

Name change and will be hiding details so I can not be found. Very emotional right now so I apologise in advance for length. Also forgive me for not knowing some official terms, I was young and my memories are blotchy.

Me and my mum do not have a good relationship and around the age of 13/14 it became much worse, I moved out and in with my dad across the country and into his (over 50's one bedroom) home, obviously because this was not adequate housing during this time I had to go through some very official interviews with people to prove that I had not made myself homeless for no reason and therefore I know at least that some professional bodies knew it was not safe or right for me to live with my mother. Contact between me and her became sparse but I never brought up the subject of what happened between us until sometime last year when over text she was talking about how she had loved me so much and I showed nothing in return. I got very angry and told her to F off, all contact stopped between me, her and two off my older sisters (at least ten years older than me)

Back to the present, I have recently found out I am pregnant and have been cautiously trying to rekindle a relationship between us all with the mindset that they are the child's Granny and aunties and family is important, it was going well between me and my mother at least and we were even thinking of arranging a visit. That is until I decided to ask her why I hadn't heard from my sisters and they hadn't mentioned or congratulated the news of the baby, mum replied that it was because I had told her to F off all that time ago. I said that was between me and you and I still don't think it was undeserved or a reason for them to cut their little sister out of their lives. (I don't know how much of the abuse they saw when I was at home because they had grown up and moved out, but are very much on mums side.)
This point it all went to sh*t when my mum said I had a happy childhood and it's time I "Cut the crap"
I got angry and said "I don't think Insert list of very hurtful things she did/said when I was a child is a happy childhood"
And all she replied was a long message of the crying with laughter face.

I am furious. I don't want to go into a list of things she did but to give you a vague idea she once hit out at my brother so hard she broke her own bones and has shown me nothing but mainly emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

AIBU To just cut her and the 2 sisters standing by her out of my life? To think that they don't deserve to be in my baby's life? And to think in my mothers case it would be unsafe to let her be involved with the baby?

I know family is important but surely there's a point of no return and for me I think this is it.
Thank you.

Good family can be a blessing. Grannies and Aunties are not important if they are shit grannies and aunties.

Family is only worth having if they bring good things to your life.

YaNBU in the slightest! I’ve cut my family off and considering bones were broken in your case, my case is less severe.

Your gut is telling you to keep them away from you and your little one for a reason. They are toxic. Having them in your life is damaging to both you and therefore also the baby, so for your sanity you must walk away. After that text message from her there’s no going back. What a horrible person.

Unfortunately you can’t make people behave like you wish they would, ie as loving people, and this notion that having family around when you’re having a child is only valid if they’re actually of benefit to your lives. All you’re going to get here is misery stress and aggravation.

You must concentrate on you and your baby and to hell with the arseholes. Love is all you need. X

YANBU. You and your baby deserve to be loved and supported.

I think anyone who has been physically violent, especially with their own children, should not be around children. So, I think you have tried. She is not going to acknowledge your childhood and you should stop trying.

I am also sorry that you went through anything less than a happy childhood and your little baby will not be worse off not knowing those people.

Firstly op, congratulations! You absolutely do not need toxic people in your life, and your little baby will not know any different.

You sound like you've been through a hell of a lot and have been very forgiving towards your mother and your efforts are being rewarded with emoji's! Disgusting behaviour.

We don't get to choose our family like we do with friends but we do get to choose to have them in our lives. Due to what you have said in your op ( and I'm sure there's worse ) I would keep my baby away from her and your sisters.

Babies need love and stability and you can offer that in abundance. Life is too short to waste time on people who treat you badly.

Focus now on yourself, and your baby. This is your family, a fresh start. Don't look back

Well you stopped contact before so I wpuld just do it again. Who needs the hassle. If she wasn't a good influence in your life she won't be much good to your baby either.

Lots of parents go into denial when questioned about their damaging parenting when their children are adults.

If your mum parented you extremely badly with you then must not allow her to have a relationship with your child as it will damage them. If she does see your child please do not let the child be alone with her ever. Instead you need to have counselling, and when necessary get help in parenting so you don't continue the circle of the damaging parenting you have been taught by your mother.

Thank you all for your support. Its nice to know I'm not overreacting.

I could have written your post OP. The sooner you cut this nasty individual out of your life, the sooner you can start healing. This is the time to look forward and create your very own loving family without the toxic narcissistic influence of your mother

She won't change, you don't deserve this and you and your baby will be much better without her. Promise.

I’d cut all ties. Speaking from experience, it’s probably time to accept that unless you want your children to feel JUST LIKE YOU DID (because at some point they absolutely will), don’t let them anywhere near.

Your mother is seriously in denial. She cannot admit to anyone, least of all you (or herself), that there was anything she ever did wrong. Some people are like that all their lives unfortunately.

She is the loser! Concentrate on those who are good to you and will be good to your child and leave her and your miserable childhood behind.

OP, you are not being unfair to cut them out of your life at all. I've been in a similar situation myself. I had a physically, mentally and emotionally abusive childhood and when I tried to speak to my parents about it a few years ago, my father ignored me completely and similar to you being told to 'cut the crap', I was told that I was a liar and 'that didn't happen'.
As with you sending your mother a message and getting a reply of laughing emojis, I sent my mother a similar message and got a reply back saying 'You need to get a life'. Nice eh?

Like your sisters, my brother cut me off completely. In this case I personally believe it's because he now stands to inherit everything.

There are only 2 of us, my parents are quite well off and also own a substantial amount of land.

I never got any support from my family in my life and it sounds like you didn't either. Concentrate on your baby to be and make him/her your priority in your life.

Best of luck with everything OP x

Congratulations and very best wishes for healthy pregnancy (and beyound of course)
Imhe do no even go there. If your family were not right for you they will not be right for your child. trust is not a minor issue, if you can’t trust your
family when you leave the room, they are not worthy of your time or that of your child.
Sadly and regrettable at times, my mother has ignored me for 14 years.... her choice, which is ironic because she was abusive as hell, no way would I put that on my child.

Family for families sake is not worth it.

Everybody in your life should add something of value to it. Of course there is flexibility in that but ultimately anyone who makes you feel worthless isn’t someone you need in your life.

The woman sounds awful, not least for seemingly enjoying the rift between her children. Not the actions of somebody who has any understanding of the pain they’ve inflicted or wants to reconcile any bad feelings.

Walk away and leave any guilt behind. You will come to terms with any sadness and can put your energy into your own family.

Dave Pelzer's family did this when he went public with his version of his abusive childhood. His mother, grandmother and some siblings basically accused him of lying...however the youngest brother left behind when he finally escaped to foster care has written his own account of his childhood and it supports what Dave wrote about. It appears this is a common dynamic in abusive parents...hence the stately homes thread on here.

Your sister's will never believe your version of events and your mother is minimising massively what happened. This narrative will never change. They will never be decent role models in your child's life and definitely not a supportive part of yours as you enter motherhood.

Cut all contact with them and don't look back. You owe them nothing but contempt. You can make your child's life far brighter by not having your past overshadowing it in the shape of your mother and sisters.

I agree that going NC with your mother is probably the safest option. She sounds like a disgusting human being. However, are you certain that your sisters even know about the pregnancy and you making contact? I'm just wondering if you told your mother and she didn't pass on the news to them? God knows what spin she's put on things.

Congratulations on your new little one!

YANBU IMHO. Hubby's father is CO from me and will never see any future children.

If your sisters are adults, I would see if you can contact them on your own. From what you've described here I get the impression that your mother has essentially tried to be the "gatekeeper" for your relationships with them. If they're adults, that's not on.

You can have a relationship with your sisters separate from your mother, provided they're adults and that they're not toxic.