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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to give back money to my ex

27 replies

WearyW · 24/10/2018 15:08

My ex gave me some money a few years ago for my kids. He then demanded it back and without going into details of what a nasty piece of work he is I decided to say no. He is now taking me to small claims court claiming it was a loan. Has anyone else encountered a man so low that he takes back money from his children?

Or maybe people think I should just give it back... I actually don't think he expects to win in court cos I have the emails from when he gave it to me and was very clearly not a loan... Think he just wants to harrass and stress me.
The real thing I want to try to understand is how this and everything else he does seems reasonable to his new partner. Anyone else think this sounds like a reasonable way to treat mother of your child?

Btw at the time he gave me this money he was not paying child maintenance and hadn't done so for many years. I finally claimed for CM via CMS last year but he is now refusing pay that too.

OP posts:

mama1DC · 24/10/2018 15:14

Tell him to piss of and see him in court!

catmum94 · 24/10/2018 15:16

Let him take you to court because he'll have to pay for it. If you have emails then you have nothing to worry about

Original poster

WearyW · 24/10/2018 16:27

Yes it's costing him over £700 to make the application and now to pay for the hearing. But he earns nearly £1000 per week so it's not about the money to him anyway. Just about pulling me into conflict. That's why I don't understand why his partner supports him doing it

OP posts:

tiggerkid · 24/10/2018 16:34

The real thing I want to try to understand is how this and everything else he does seems reasonable to his new partner

Why do you want to understand how this seems reasonable to his new partner?

Original poster

WearyW · 24/10/2018 16:47

Sorry yes that's a good question. I guess I have been dealing with him for so long and I've realised that he's never going to change and that I just have to deal with each thing as he throws it at me so I'm actually fine in my own mind with what I'm doing. I just thought this might be a place I could try to get other women's perspective and try to understand how men like him get away with behaving how they do. It's not just his partner but a lot of mutual acquaintances who seem to be willing to think well of him no matter what he does. I find that hard to deal with.

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 24/10/2018 16:51

Tell him you will see him in court!

MrsNacho · 24/10/2018 16:54

His partner probably doesn't know the whole story.

Let him take you to court!

XJerseyGirlX · 24/10/2018 16:54

It was a gift, and any good solicitor (thats not trying to screw him for money) will tell him that. Controlling narc bully. tell him to piss off

tiggerkid · 24/10/2018 16:55

I just thought this might be a place I could try to get other women's perspective and try to understand how men like him get away with behaving how they do.

How do you know he will be getting away with anything? Or that he is behaving the same way he did with you with anyone else? What any person will allow another to get away with is a very personal thing. His new partner, for example, may show him the door at the first signs of any behaviour she doesn't like in which case he won't be getting away with anything. Your tolerance for his sh** behaviour, on the other hand, was clearly quite high and, hence, he continued pushing the boundaries.

ConciseandNice · 24/10/2018 16:58

His partner probably doesn’t know the full story. I bumped into an ex’s new partner once and within a week I was getting maintenance for our son and within a year she had left him. She hadn’t known what an Uberass he was.

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/10/2018 17:04

That's why I don't understand why his partner supports him doing it

Because, like you presumably at some stage, she hasn't yet figured out that he's a dick. He'll be telling her his highly modified version of events where you're the psychotic ex who abused his trust
/ cheated on him / was only with him for his money and she'll believe it because she's fallen for him. In a few years time she'll be where you are now no doubt. Don't look to blame her when he is the problem.

Original poster

WearyW · 24/10/2018 17:12

You're probably right that he treats her differently to me but even if he's not directly abusing her in the way he did with me she is very aware of how he continues to treat me. She has come to family court with him and seen the reports on his abusive behaviour and even written a letter of support to the court claiming I am a racist, liar etc even though we have never once met or spoken. She just seems to have accepted his twisted logic where he justifies everything he does on grounds that I provoked him. This business of suing me to get money back from my kids just seems so blatantly messed up that I can't quite believe that she or anyone else could agree with him that it's a reasonable thing to do.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 24/10/2018 17:17

Well done for saying no. Let him take you to court. What a waste of his time and money, especially if he's a high earner! It baffles me sometimes what makes some people tick.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/10/2018 17:20

Don't forget to chase him up through the CMS.... always...

Aprilislonggone · 24/10/2018 17:24

They can't have much of a relationship given he is so consumed with you /making life difficult for you.
See him in court. Hopefully he will accompany him and see for herself the true him.
My ex lost his case to see my dc after a judge deemed his obvious hatred for me would be damaging for the dc if he saw them.
Just a thought...

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 24/10/2018 17:34

He must want his head examined if he thinks he can win that one. Let him try!

LaurieFairyCake · 24/10/2018 17:36

If he earns a grand a week does that mean he's paying proper child support?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/10/2018 17:40

It sounds as though she is either as twisted and nasty as him or she is in luuuuuv and believes everything, which comes out of his scumbag mouth. Either way, it really is no point wasting your energy on the whys and wherefores. He sounds like a vile pig. Are you going to chase him through the CMS for non payment?

Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 17:41

I really wouldn't worry why his dp isn't siding with you on the matter, why would she? She is yet to see the light where he is concerned, don't jold your breath.

Tell him you will happily see him in court, which will be the second time as you are going to take him to court for unpaid CM.

Don't rise to the bait. Just make sure you can back up the evidence you need to make your case. When he paid, what the money was used for. How many years he has paid or not paid for the children etc. Make sure you haev every last piece of paperwork ready and go to CA bureau before the hearing for their advice and to ensure you have done everything you need.

My guess is that he is trying to scare you and will pull the plug at the last minute. I would not worry about this for one minute once you have everything ready. I am sure he is doing this to hurt you, don't let him have the enjoyment of seeing you worried, from now on simply ignore him.

Mrskeats · 24/10/2018 17:43

Take him to the cms.
He sounds a charmer.

Santaclarita · 24/10/2018 17:49

I'd let him do it. If anything it will give you a laugh in court.

BlueBug45 · 24/10/2018 17:51

Are they your (individual) kids or your (plural) kids?

If they are the latter bring the birth certificates/proof he's their father - , the receipts of the things you used the money for and some evidence from the family court that he's a CF - then enjoy the judge telling him off and calling him a low life of a dad/man.

If they are the former then as he has no proof it was a loan - unless he has text messages - then he is still going to get a ticking off.

This new partner won't be allowed into the room for the small claims case unless she is a party to the claim. Just make sure you turn up so he doesn't win by default.

Original poster

WearyW · 24/10/2018 17:58

He's meant to pay 400+ per month CM and was paying sporadically since I claimed it last year but stopped altogether a few months ago. It's all done through CMS so I reported it to them yesterday that he wasn't paying and they said they can recover last 3 months and they can get it taken directly from his wages in future - will cost him 20% extra on top but that's on him now really. So far I've had to spend it all, and then some, on legal fees in family court so even though I hate having to get this money off him I can't afford not to. I'm dreading the small claims court cos I know he can't win it but it really is just his chance to get me in a room and harrass me - he's legally not allowed to talk to me in any other context except court.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 24/10/2018 18:51

Most small claims court cases are solved without people actually attending. Any chance yours will be one of those?

Original poster

WearyW · 24/10/2018 20:04

No such luck. They have already sent me the date etc for the hearing. It will all be fine in the end I'm sure. I think I just wanted a moan about how crap he is being so thanks for the supportive replies. X

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