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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Age to leave teenagers alone? WDYD

51 replies

PookieDo · 24/10/2018 14:38

I have a 16DD and 14DD. Same father but only the eldest visits/stays the night once a week. I have only one accessible babysitter but who doesn’t drive and doesn’t have space in their own house for DD14 to sleep. Either DD(s) would have to sleep on the floor at their house or they have to stay all night at mine (as can’t get themselves home).

I leave them alone during the day in the holidays, and evenings if I am working, have to go out (shops, swimming etc). They are fine alone during these times.

I have never left them overnight. I’ve been invited to my work Xmas do and this will be a late night or possible stay in a hotel about 10 miles away

I could ask the babysitter option but DD’s don’t feel they need one as they ‘old enough’ but is 14 old enough really? What would you all do

OP posts:
Ifoundanacorn · 24/10/2018 18:25

Don't get the sitter, trial the evening with them caring for themselves and book a late night cab home. I am not sure you are going to relax at the hotel for the night anyway.

I wouldn't be ready to leave my dds at this age personally, although I am not judging others that do.

Just think next year should be easier! (I say that every year!!!) :)

Ghanagirl · 24/10/2018 18:26

I’m sorry leaving a 13 year old alone overnight why?
What’s so important?

Boredboredboredboredbored · 24/10/2018 18:27

Mine are 15 & 14 and I wouldn't leave them overnight. I don't think I would until my youngest was at least 16 - 17 I think. It's not that they aren't responsible they are but I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy my night.

WickedGoodDoge · 24/10/2018 18:37

I would, but then I sent my 13 year old son to Panama by himself for a week to stay with a distant relative he’d only met once for a couple of hours, so am possibly not the best person to give advice.

If they are sensible, responsible and independent, I’d do it.

Fontofnoknowledge · 24/10/2018 18:37

I have and would. No problem.
There will be hundreds of posts saying yes and no.. only you know your children.

No right answer.
Personally think it's a bit strange. My kids were babysitting other kids at 14.

Ragwort · 24/10/2018 18:44

The worry for me would not be the actual leaving of them, after all they have each other, but if they might invite a few mates round and it would turn into a party, I know everyone says 'my children wouldn't do that', but clearly it does happen Grin.
Can you ask a neighbour just to 'keep an eye out' in case of trouble.
We left our 16 year old alone for the first time when we had no option (attending a funeral), we have an ex military neighbour to keep an eye out. Nothing happened Grin.

blueskiesandforests · 24/10/2018 18:51

Don't involve your mother I agree - from your follow up pist your DDs would be safer without her!

Can you afford to get a room for your DD's in the hotel where the party is and you'd be staying? As you say they're sensible they could have room service and use the pool if there is one, you'd trust them not to hell raise Grin and be around just in case, but they'd be very unlikely to bother you and it would be a treat for them.

Assuming that they get on with one another.

Cachailleacha · 24/10/2018 18:54

I'd just go out and come home late. I assume you mean before midnight? A 14 year old should be fine, especially as they are with a 16 year old sibling, not on their own.

Chouetted · 24/10/2018 19:07

Come home late then, and use this as a trial run to see if they cope.

For a bit of perspective, the first time I ever got left by my parents, it was all a bit of a hurried rush because my dad was driving my mum to A&E... given that they didn't know how long they'd be there, and I had school in the morning, they really had no option but to tell me to get my own tea, put myself to bed, and hopefully we'll be back by the time you wake up... I survived, but I'd recommend NOT doing that Grin

chocatoo · 24/10/2018 19:07

Could you book the girls into the hotel where you will be staying? Book a family room and they can go out for pizza then settle in and watch movies etc. We've done that with our DD as she is an only child and not keen on leaving her on her own.

upsideup · 24/10/2018 19:15

Mumsnet is a different world sometimes , of course sensible 14 and 16 year old's don't need a babysitter overnight! How old is the babysitter?
Even if you didnt need to leave them for the night I would encourage you to go away anyway, it will be a good experiance for them.
I moved out and lived by myself at 16, at 14 dsd was babysitting a 7 year old overnight on her own.

PlainVanilla · 24/10/2018 19:19

Hmm, my parents had to go away for a few days when I was 19, my siblings 16 and 14. I was left in charge, including taking siblings to school in mum's car.
Worked fine. Mind you this was over 40 years ago ;-)

ElspethTascioni · 24/10/2018 19:25

I too would book them a room in the hotel where you would stay - they can have a film night while you’re at the party, then you come back to the hotel once your party is done - either to the same room, or next door. My 15 and 12 year old have been sharing a separate hotel room to me for a few years:

RomanyRoots · 24/10/2018 19:28

I would go to the party and leave them at home. They have your number if they need it.
I wouldn't stay out all night though, I'd be back for midnight.

My only concern would be if the children were known to not get on or wind each other up. I've seen it get out of hand in the same situation as yours.
I wouldn't be concerned about them having a party.
Does your 14 year old have a friend who could come and sleepover, or even go to a friends and you reciprocate sometime.

cheezeontoast · 24/10/2018 19:30

We recently left our 14 and 16 year old DDs overnight for the first time and it was fine. They get along well and we trusted them not to have a party. Also checked the neighbours were going to be home.
Ordered takeaway so they didn't have to cook, and texted far too often regularly to check they were ok.

DD1's 16 year old friend was left home alone for two weeks during the summer, I wouldn't have done that but her parents obviously felt that was ok.

Enjoy your party.

blueskiesandforests · 24/10/2018 19:39

You were 19 Plain - an adult. 19 year olds work as aupair or nannys - it's the big standard age to aupair at on a year off. 19 year olds are very commonly away at uni. You were babysitting siblings the age of the OPs. Most 19 year olds don't (or didn't used to) live with their parents year round, most 16 year olds and 14 year olds do.

blueskiesandforests · 24/10/2018 19:39

*big standard

TheWiseWomansFear · 24/10/2018 19:39

I was left alone every weekend from age 15. Granted I got up to some drinking on those nights but equally I did when at friends houses. If you can have both at the house together I would leave them now.

blueskiesandforests · 24/10/2018 19:39

Argh bOg

blueskiesandforests · 24/10/2018 19:48

The op does leave her kids alone, just not overnight.

I'd be on the fence too just about the overnight part, especially if I couldn't get home easily in the very unlikely event that they needed me due to being a considerable distance away and having drunk alcohol so unable to drive.

If it would be possible to get a taxi at any time of the night I'd rest easier, but in many places a taxi can't be had for any price at 3am.

Eldest being 16 is fine for evenings out/ babysitting other kids in the evening with contact numbers to call in case of emergency, but boarderline for an unnecessary overnight I think. Probably ok but not overprotective to waver imo.

Babysitter is very inappropriate unless dressed up as spending time with a relative - a visit- which doesn't work with OP's liability mum. However coming home after the party instead of staying the night or treating the teens to a night in the hotel is a reasonable compromise.

Original poster
PookieDo · 24/10/2018 20:08

Yeah that’s the other thing - I will have drunk alcohol too so will feel weird about coming home drunk and there is no other adult present except me. Obviously I wouldn’t be obliterated drunk!

I think I will just stay out late and come back. Around 10pm is the latest I’ve ever gone out till. I honestly don’t think they would party or go out, we live rurally so not even easy to do that. For friends to come over they would need lifts etc - anyway I don’t mind that and they would just ask me before hand. Staying at friends - my DD’s don’t really seem to do this? I am always inviting kids to sleepover but think it has become unfashionable Hmm

Yes mother is a liability. The ‘accident’ situation scared the crap out of the DD’s! Was a couple years ago.

Thanks all

OP posts:
SuperSuperSuper · 24/10/2018 20:27

I think that's a good compromise OP. And at their age you don't need to rush back by a certain time, which is nice.

Leaving them overnight is obv worrying you and you wouldn't enjoy yourself.

I ageee with the poster who said it's borderline. I'm not surprised that you've had varying replies.

forgottenusername · 24/10/2018 20:28

could they stay at the hotel with you?

Take them before the party starts, set them up with phone / laptop / tablet / big hotel bath and bottle of bubble bath and leave them there for the evening, then all go home the next day :)

Applepudding2018 · 24/10/2018 20:47

We left DS alone overnight at 16.

It really depends on your children, and the relationship that they have with each other.

Given that you are planning on paying out for a hotel room for the night, I'd definitely change that to booking a taxi back. I think you can leave them a lot later than 10 pm, just come back when the event has finished.

jelliebelly · 24/10/2018 20:52

If you're only 10 miles away I don't see the problem with you leaving them for the evening and getting a taxi home late. I wouldn't leave them overnight at that age