To think I am stuck

[missionthatwentonto]

I am in a completely miserable marriage. I married him because I wanted kids, no one else was asking and I wanted a family.

At first it was OK. Two small children later and it's a disaster. We argue all the time, he makes his dislike of me clear and sometimes I do as well.

On paper we have a good combined income but broken down its not much. Debt repayment and childcare fees take pretty much all of it.

Leaving seems impossible for the following reasons:

1. I can't afford to. I have £10 in my purse until payday (next wednesday.) No spare money at all. Also, my credit is shocking and so I can't buy another house or private rent. However I work ft and like I say on paper my income is OK, so no entitlement to any benefits. I'd literally have nowhere to go. (It's his house.)

1. It would be miserable for our kids.

1. Money again!

I feel so stuck and trapped and restless in a life I realise I don't want.

You are me a few years ago! I've been steadily getting my ducks in a row and will be separating early next year, I can't wait! If you own the house look into taking some legal advice on where you stand wrt the mortgage, he may still have to pay if he moves out or you could sell up and split the equity between you (I don't own my house so I might be talking rubbish there but someone will know more). Is the debt in your name or his? How much longer until it's all repaid? If it's in your name you can call one of the free charities stepchange or Christians against poverty to talk through your options. Also you can do a calculation on entitledto.com or turntous to find out exactly how much you will be able to claim in tax credits/universal credit as a single parent. Life is too short to spend it being unhappy!

Debt in both names. Stepchange weren't very helpful and I'm not entitled to any benefits.

That's a shame that you had no luck with stepchange, I've heard really good things about them! Have you checked out the CMS calculator to work out how much he would have to pay you in maintenance? I'm not sure about the legalities of the house as you are married I thought that automatically meant that you legally owned half - I'm prepared to be corrected on that though, hopefully someone who knows more will post soon.

If youre married its not his house. Its a marital asset. You'll be entitled to something

Did you include childcare costs when calculating benefits?

With two children incurring childcare costs you'd be entitled to benefits (ctc or UC) unless you earn £55k +

Then there's maintenance (or he has them 50/50 and incurs 50% of the costs)

If you're married, the house is a marital asset unless things were specifically signed to say otherwise. That means starting point is its a shared asset. I've known people go through this from the other side (with no kids involved) where one party owned the house prior to even meeting the spouse but it's still divided 50/50 on divorce

Stuck was tge word i used a few months ago. Genuinely couldn't see a route out. Its the worst feeling.
But work your way through your options.
It does get better amd the relief is absolutely worth it to feel free.

Having parents who argue all the time is pretty miserable for children!

Try some couples counselling to help you both understand whether you really detest each other and have nothing in common to the point where your children are growing up in a toxic environment, or whether it's just the reality of work,kids, living together and finances is grinding you both down and spoiling what could have been a good marriage.
Sort your credit history out by clearing debt if you can or consolidating onto a lower rate and never missing payments. You may need to plan an exit that doesn't leave either of you homeless.
But if a lot of the things in your life that make you unhappy are drudgery, never having time for yourself and being skint then don't think that your life will necessarily be better as a single parent.

I wouldn’t separate from my DH because I wouldn’t want to hand my DC over for shared custody and couldn’t stand some other woman (step) mothering my DC. Many mums (and dad’s) stick out their relationships for that reason.