CF parents or me BU?

[norfolkandchanceyou]

So DD has been friends with this girl for about 10 years since they were toddlers, they are very close and I like the child. Both have gone to all the same schools and in those years have had lots of play dates and sleepovers at each other's houses and are now in year 8. But in the last few years it has tailed off to me always hosting the play dates and sleepovers. If we go out to say the cinema/swimming/amusement park the girls parents always cover the cost of their child's ticket which is good but I'm getting fed up of it being one sided. Both parents are together so it's not like the Mum is a single parent, they have a much older sibling so no other childcare commitments but I'm beginning to feel rather put upon. I've lost count of the miles and miles I've driven over the last few years and parking paid that's all come out my pocket. The many meals I've cooked this other child. I like the parents very much but this is beginning to grate with me. We all work full time so weekends are precious to all of us yet I'm entertaining their daughter whilst they are doing good only knows what

AIBU or do I need to say something and if so what? I don't want to fall out with the parents or ruin the girls friendship but could I not have the odd day/night of peace too?

I’d stop the invitations for a while and see if they get the hint that it’s very much their turn!

Yes how about "oooh the girls fancied a play date! How about your place this time? Must be your turn!"

Could you tell your DD it is time to go to her DF’s house? Maybe that could work.

Yes I agree, stop having her round for a bit and see what happens.

Isn't the most important thing here your DD and her friendship? Does she have other friends? How much does she like this child?

Assume from your OP that the kids are 10/11 ish, so they'll be going off to secondary school soon, in which case everything'll change anyway.

Reading the op it says they’re in year 8. Can your dd not just go around and knock on her friends door?

keepserving They are in year 8 so 12/13.

OP who decides that this friend comes out with you or comes to tea or a sleepover? If it's your DC asking then hint strongly that it's her turn to go to the friends. I do it with my teen DD as I'm often the hoster but enough is enough sometimes. Usually shocks the other friend to realise it's their turn.

Can you allow her to come to your house but not over meal times and don’t take them out unless you get some reciprocity? That way, you’re not depriving them of the friendship but not being taken advantage of. They are approaching the age when they can do things independently of their parents.

Sorry should've mentioned both kids are slightly SN so still need supervision and entertaining somewhat versus what your average 12 year would be capable of.

I can remember back to that age, well my children too, there is always one house kids congregate at. Many reasons for that, easy going parents, popular kid, kids with all the latest stuff. On the other hand, it may be the girls doesn't want to go home - just because you see a perfect 2.4 family doesn't mean it is behind closed doors.

At year 8, I don't see why you are 'entertaining' so much ? Surely it's all Zoella make up and bedrooms listening to music at that age?

Text the parents and ask?

“Hey, wondered if you could have Veronica next Saturday for me at all?”

If you are brave enough, you could text something like "hi how are you? Was lovely having your DD round again! your dd really wanted my DD to come over to play with her xxx toy/to see her bedroom etc. I thought it was so sweet, just checking what day is ok for DD to come?"

They are raking your kindness for granted

Back off for a few weekends ans see what happens - tell DD you want some one to one time

YANBU
I’ve got a similar situation and have decided at the next opportunity am going to simply say ‘So when would you like to have DD over to yours?’

I think I'll respond with a text next time is suitable. I certainly am not brave enough to say it IRL

Glad you all agree it's all rather one sided and a bit CF'ish too

To be fair at age 13ish the girls should be more independent and doing things on their own. I’m guessing (having older children) the other set of parents have realised this and they leave the social life to their dd. I certainly don’t arrange play dates for my 14 year old and never really have but I am gracious and thankful if she’s invited anywhere

Just seen your update. I just wouldn’t invite the other girl around? Are they able to be independent at all? Could your dd just go and knock on her friend?

Not really. There special needs means they can't really be left to themselves just yet. Certainly not able to go out and about themselves.

In that case they’re even cheekier since you are ending up having to look after 2 12/13yr olds who require more looking after than average.
I’d definitely stop all the invitations. The other parents are probably justifying it to themselves thinking that you must live taking them both out of you offer all the time or that your dd doesn’t want to be away from you. It might take them realising their dd hasn’t been invited for a while to get them to realise they need to share the childcare.