To keep giving birthday presents?

[BlueEyedPanda]

My partner and I have differing views on this so wondering what others think. We have been together for 3.5 years and I met his kids 2.5 years ago. I still have a good relationship with his DD aged 7, however his DD age 11 hasn’t wanted to see her dad for about 18 months now and hasn’t wanted to have anything to do with me either. Just to be clear, this isn’t down to anything I’ve done, we used to get on great (for the short time I had to start to get to know her) but she had an argument with her dad and hasn’t wanted to see him since despite our efforts to sort things out.

I’ve bought both DDs gifts for birthdays, xmas etc up to now, however having not seen DD11 at all for 18 months I’m wondering how long I should continue with this. I feel that I should continue treating both DDs the same and get her a gift for her birthday at the beginning of December which is of equal value to what I bought her sister earlier in the year (around £30). However a part of me does feel a bit silly for continuing to buy gifts when she has made it clear that she doesn’t want to see me. My partner thinks that I should just give her a card and a box of chocolates. What do others think?

I’d keep getting the gifts. For an older teen maybe not but at 11 really it is her dad’s job to heal this rift and treating her differently won’t help.

It's also her dads job to buy those gifts - it would mean more to the daughter to know dad had put thought and effort into it

Yes keep getting her the gifts, she is only young best to try to keep bridges open

Thanks for the replies so far. In answer to GreenTulips - her dad does continue to buy her gifts from him, and I buy from me and my son

Keep doing the same thing, their dads probably hurt by the child's behaviour, treating them differently will only fuel the fire, your doing an amazing job hope your step daughter comes to see that soon and builds bridges 💐

Ahh I see the dad is buying as well. I think you treating the siblings unfairly will still reflect on him though and I’m surprised he’s suggesting it. If he’s trying to use you to punish her that’s not fair and also not likely to help their relationship.
18 months is also a long time for an 11 yr old to fall out with their dad. How has he not sorted things in all that time? What was the argument about?

I definitely don’t think he’s trying to use me to punish her, I think he just feels bad about me spending money on gifts when we don’t get to see her. I genuinely don’t mind though and have told him that. I agree that treating the DDs differently will reflect badly on both me and him and won’t help their relationship but I was just starting to wonder whether I was doing the right thing, so I’m glad people seem to be in agreement.

It is a long time for things not to be resolved, it was a really minor argument so I don’t understand why this has gone on so long but she has been adamant she doesn’t want to see him

I hate pay-as-you-go mentality when it comes to kids. Been there with my own and regardless of the fact she won't speak to you, she's 11 years old FFS.

Of course her father should keep buying her birthday gifts.

I've been on the other side consoling my DD when her dad doesn't acknowledge her on birthdays, Xmas or any other time. Just because they had an argument when she was 13 and she said she didn't want to see him again. He is too stupid to realise that if he kept trying they would have worked it out. She's an adult now and absolutely not interested in having any kind of relationship. That's how your other half will end up too.

Tbh if his dd doesn’t want to see him after a minor argument and has been happy to have no relationship for 18 months there was clearly not a good relationship before and that’s on him. You say he’s tried to build bridges - what exactly has he tried? Getting his partner to stop buying presents doesn’t seem like a dad who is interested in building bridges tbh.