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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Absent father

15 replies

Tinydancer22 · 23/10/2018 21:48

I have recently made contact with my biological father who I never knew growing up (I'm in my early 20's). I asked him why he was never in my life and he told me he decided it was best for him (and me apparently) if he didn't see me (my mum and him were married and divorced when I was a baby). He admitted being physically abusive towards my mother but said 'she asked for it'. He remarried and for all my life lived a few streets away (he has no other children).

I am applying to go and do a degree but he says I am aiming too high (I had straight A's at A level so I'm a bit confused about this) and he also doesn't believe in supporting me with things like this and says he couldn't anyhow (he said this without me asking him for any support). There was a time recently when I was in between addresses and I asked if I could stay with him for a short time to which he told me 'only for one night' (I've never in my life stayed over with him). He is very far from poor and I have never asked him for any money.

Since he told me it was him who made the decision to not be in my life (along with just generally feeling like he isn't being much of a father), I am struggling to forgive him. I've decided that I don't want further contact but he is now saying he is 'hurt beyond repair' about this and can't forgive me. It feels as if he is now playing the victim almost! AIBU in thinking he is being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

BunsOfAnarchy · 23/10/2018 21:54

He cant forgive YOU?! Have i read that right?

He sounds like a nasty abusive person. Blackmail and emotional abuse along with gaslighting. Run for the hills. He wasnt there as a dad and now hes just going to emotionally abuse you. NC the tool.

Puddingmama2017 · 23/10/2018 21:56

Yanbu at all.

Feefeetrixabelle · 23/10/2018 22:02

Run run run. And then run some more.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 23/10/2018 22:04

This subject is very close to my heart.
He doesn't sound like he deserves to have a relationship with you op.
I'm sorry you're going through this it must be very painful.
Un-mumsnetty hugs to you 🙅🏻

Sassielassie · 23/10/2018 22:04

Red flag 1 .. He was abusive but " she ASKED for it"
Red flag 2.. You are an A student but are "Aiming too high"
Red flag 3.. HE cant forgive YOU???
RUN ..RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
This waste of skin is an abusive twat and the best thing he ever did for you was leaving you alone. Grab his gift of absence with both hands and dont look back. Get your degree and have a great life without him. Good luck

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 23/10/2018 22:05

P.S. just because someone becomes a biological father does not make them a good or positive person. Don't let this define you and your relationships. Maybe you did swerve a dud ball there?

Leeds2 · 23/10/2018 22:06

YANBU in the slightest. Diddums that he is hurt beyond repair. From what you say, it is entirely of his own making.

MumGoneCrazy · 23/10/2018 22:09

He abused your mother but she asked for it... WTF!!!!

Run now, save yourself, he was unreliable and unsupportive then towards your mother and is now for you. You've done perfectly well without him so clearly don't need him.

Good luck with your degree go for it

Hellywelly10 · 23/10/2018 22:09

You dont have to forgive him now op. Its fine to be angry.

confusedmomm · 23/10/2018 22:20

I only met my dad around your age first time. Have seen him just once more since then.
I think what we expect them to be like is different to how they are in reality and initially the excitement can somehow make you oversee things they do or say. However after a while you start questioning things just like you have just now. I cut contact. Explained why I was doing it and wished him all the best without me in the picture. Ten years or so later and Have 0 regrets about it.

Starlight345 · 23/10/2018 22:27

Given the domestic abuse to your mum and his attitude to you . My best guess block all contact. He doesn’t like women .

He should be making up for abandoning you though in his own odd way probably has saved you from been abused by him growing up.

Good luck at uni I am sure you will be very successful

alwayslearning789 · 23/10/2018 22:28

Tell him you were 'hurt beyond repair' when he left you for 20 years.

He is the PARENT for goodness sake.

Don't let him emotionally blackmail you.

Jamiefraserskilt · 23/10/2018 22:50

Oh he's good. down
Got you with guilt and backed you into a nc situation and then cries unfair.
He chose to abuse your mum.
He chose to leave with no contact.
He chose not to take responsibility for his actions.
He chose to undermine your confidence and put you down.
He managed this relationship into a corner.
You can't change him, he doesn't want to change.
Just because he was a sperm donor doesn't make him a Dad.
He has shown his true colours and doesn't want to be a parent.
Try and accept this and move on to be amazing, not because of him but despite him.
You tried, he failed.
You don't need to forgive, you just need to accept.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 23/10/2018 22:52

I am not sure why you would call a sperm donor your father. I wouldn't.

Merryoldgoat · 23/10/2018 22:55

He’s done a good number on you - he’s a negligent selfish git and you’d do well to keep him out of your life for good.

My dad decided I wasn’t worth his time and left my mum when pregnant. I’ve never met him. His loss entirely. I’m awesome and so are you.

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