Should I apologise?

[potsandpans1234]

Genuine questions. Took 3 dc (all under 10) to see my parents who live about 2 hours away. Had a lovely day. Dad very kindly treated us to lunch. All good. Dad quite agitated all day but that is not new as I strongly suspect he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Also in quite a stressful situation. He is and has always been very short tempered. Never ever violent but quick to shout. As a result both my mother and I have always gone out of our way to appease (enable) him. He has never shouted at my children and loves them dearly. Anyway on way back to their house I spotted a small table in a charity shop and bought it. I asked my dad if I could leave at his house if it wouldn't fit into the car with the kids and I would collect it the following week. I am taking my mother to a hospital appointment. All good.

Anyway just before leaving he decides I must take said table and insisted on carrying it to my car bashing it against the wall and and then car. I kept asking him not to but he said what does it matter table old and bashed anyway. I said I didn't want it more bashed/broken. I probably sounded agitated but def didn't shout. Dad lost his temper got very close to my face and started shouting at me. I said calmly and quietly please don't shout at me like that in front of the DC it's really not appropriate. On hindsight I realise this was an arsey thing to say and it made things worse. I quickly said our good byes and got DC quickly into the car.

I know I should phone and thank him for the meal but should I also apologise for spoiling a nice day out? I think if I hadn't made a fuss about the table and then proceeded to tell him how to speak to me this wouldn't have blown up. I also feel v upset. Want to smooth things over but also don't want DC to have to hear adults shouting like that.

You didn't spoil the day; he did.

Err no. He was out of order

There's only one person who should be apologising and it isn't you.

Errrr your nasty dad had a go at you and shouted in your face and you want to apologize to him? You've been well conditioned there.

Aww OP. You haven’t done anything wrong and he is the one who should be apologising. The fact that he can control his temper around your DC shows that he COULD control it around you if he wanted to. He just doesn’t try because he’s used to you smoothing the waters. I would let him stew if he wants to - you were reasonable to say what you did and you don’t have anything to apologise for.

Stop appeasing him. If he can’t behave like a grown up then don’t see him or have him around your kids.
Certainly don’t apologise for being shouted at.

He sounds very similar to my own dad. Means well but can’t cope at all with the slightest bit of stress. No, I don’t think you’ve anything to apologise for. Keep your distance until he calms down.

What you said was entirely correct. Only one apology needed: from him to you.

Honestly, I can't see anything from you've said that puts you in the wrong in any way.

I don't think you should apologise personally as like you said you're continuing to enable his behaviour, you could ring and thank him for lunch and a nice day, maybe if it would make you feel better.

You did nothing wrong, do not apologise, he shuld be the one to call and say sorry.

He has conditioned you all to walk on eggshells around him, such that when you are perfectly reasonable you feel like you are to blame.

What he did was so wrong, that a cost of a measly meal doesn't justify this behavior.

You are so used to being emotionally abused by him that you can’t see what he is doing as abusive. It isn’t disrespectful to stick up for yourself.

He has done quite a number on you OP.
He ruined the day. Not you. His behaviour was not rational or normal. Again. Not your fault. You have nothing to apologise for. And if you do to smooth things over it will only continue to enable him.

Oh OP, it’s not you that should apologise, it’s HIM! You said absolutely the right and appropriate thing, he however acted like an abusive arse

An anxiety disorder doesn't give you a free pass to shout in people's faces and expect people to walk on egg shells.

He is emotionally abusive. Don't apologise.

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that. You did the right thing telling him not to, your DC shouldn't see someone shouting at you like that and you just accepting it. Don't call him and thank him for the day, let alone apologise. He needs to apologise to you.

@SushiMonster hit the nail on the head.

Oh dear OP. I assume this isn’t a wind up and for some reason you genuinely think you should apologise to your DF?

No. The only one in the wrong was him. He’s the one who shouted. I would have done exactly the same as you. My DF is also quick to temper so I know how it can feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

By all means thank him for lunch but absolutely DO NOT apologise. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Don't apologise.
Back off from contact with him until he does, and don't let your mother guilt trip you into 'smoothing things over'. It will feel very uncomfortable as he has been allowed to shout all your life, but what you really don't want your kids to see is you pathetically apologising for being shouted at.

Oh ouch, he shouldn’t have spoken to you like that - shouting is rarely necessary, especially not in the context you described. I wouldn’t apologise, you sound like you were calm and measured.

Thanks all. I definitely don't want my kids to think it's acceptable to shout at people/be shouted at but a life time of this has conditioned me to always play the peacemaker/see it from the other person's point of view. I was always told my dad was tired/stressed/worried about money growing up.

However, I get real pleasure from seeing a completely different side of him with my kids. He is nothing like how he was with me.

It's pathetic but I can't stop feeling a need to smooth things over.

OP, I always felt like that with my mom after one of her sulking episodes when things didn't go her way (eyes welling up with tears, wouldn't look at anyone, sat there sniffling). Constantly gave into her because it was easier and our dad had always told us 'just apologise, it makes her happy'.

When I had DD I decided that I didn't want DD having to grow up with that from her. It was the final straw when she did that because I asked her to stop repeating how big my bum was getting whilst pregnant and when I said I didn't want her at the hospital for the birth. So I stopped reacting to it.

A year later and it's so much better. I still have moments where I feel guilty and like I should apologise to her but I don't feel responsible for keeping her happy anymore. You just have to stick at it and don't give in.

You shouldn't be the one to apologise OP. You did nothing wrong!

He sounds awful, and has conditioned you not to see his abuse.

It is not good for your dc to see him behaving in this way, I would have a good think about how you have contact in the future. The very minimum I think I'd accept is him recognising his behaviour was very wrong and promising not to repeat it.

My Dad can be similar. Thankfully he worked away a lot when I was a child and is actually now great with his grandchildren, however I don't entertain his arsey behaviour at all anymore. If he ever starts being a dick I just leave. Love that I can do that as an adult!