Am I over reacting *potential trigger*

[iamlosingmymind]

I need some help
I'm going to be vague and I'm entirely happy to be told to get a grip but this is torturing me...

So friends child (8) and my child (9) were messing about and friends child touched mine in the costume area whilst playing about... my child v upset.
I mention to friend and she plays it down.

So am I wrong but I think
No this shouldn't even be done as a joke it's not ok.
My child's feelings should not be dismissed.
The other child needs a serious talking to!

Or am I being a bit of a twat....

Third your are absolutely spot on.
Unfortunately it was boy-girl!

I actually do use correct terminology being medically trained and all that jazz but was using child terminology that she uses! Daft but that's what she picked up.

Anyway my point was is it ever ok to do that and then to tell your son that doing that to a girl isn't right especially if they are quiet and vulnerable?? Or should it always be a firm no u don't do that now or ever? No even in play

Assumed possibly triggering if someone was to come along who had actually received abuse from another child and this is something that had happened.

Thank you to all who kindly posted to me.

I was sad at how sad my daughter was but perspective has helped me.

I had done most that was mentioned.
Don't worry she knows her anatomy.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Please will snippy posters remember that on these kinds of posts u don't know the poster. As far as you know there could have been abuse of some sort already and The op may only be asking for clarity.

I get that some terminology is annoying but it would fuck up her life

So the other child was 9 years old? Then you are not over reacting IMO. By that age they should know this is not appropriate. If you and your DD choose to see them again then I would be watching like a hawk. I'd rather be watchful when there's a red flag than fail to protect my DD. Please ensure that you can both use the correct terminology and that her feelings are listened to and validated. The fact that she knows it's wrong and came to you is great.

Hi. I think the trigger was relevant, I'd have TW this post if I'd written it too.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. A boy constructed a game where part of it was to touch your daughters genitals, if I understand correctly? Leaving your daughter feeling violated.

They are both old enough to know that isn't okay, and in actual fact they ARE both old enough that this could be sexually exploitative behaviour. The world has many people in it who were sexually abused by other people of similar ages (relatives, friend) when they were children. This is something you can look up.

At the end of the day, your child is upset, and that's enough. If the child's mother won't take it seriously, I wouldn't keep her in my life in all honesty, and if your child doesn't want to interact with this boy again, don't force her.

Best of luck.

thirdchild so a pre pubescent boy touching a boys genitalia is just a bit of harmless horseplay but a pre pubescent boy touching girls genitalia is a safeguarding issue?  The difference doesn't need explaining and it's not pedantry - the difference is there is no difference! And I reiterate my point that this is a non issue.

Thanks power and black

That's good to hear it feels nice to know that her feelings are valid and not just in my mind. She is the elder of the two... if it makes a difference.

I believe at this age they should absolutely know some boundaries around this

I don't think you were being unreasonable.

Whether it was meant as sexual touching or not (sounds like it wasn't) is neither here nor there. Children, especially at that age, should know that there are certain parts of the body that you NEVER touch on someone else.

I'm actually shocked that so many people seem to think that because it wasn't meant in a harmful way, that it's ok. OP's child felt violated (she WAS violated) and the boy's mum should have taken it seriously. I don't think the boy should have been told off, per say, but a proper talk about acceptable contact and personal space is necessary.

Also...where did the boy get the idea to play tag with genital touching? They're 8/9...!

I have never heard the term costume area before. Do we mean genitals or bum?

I think ideas handled well but I would be concerned that it had such an effect on her and worry that there was something I didn't know. Not necessarily abuse but something she is uncomfortable with.

Nine- can I ask... when exactly would u start considering this as an issue? Genuinely curious? I always felt if it was enough to upset a child then that's worth dealing with?

Thank you Eleanor
I agree this child didn't need to be told of but it should be made very clear this isn't ok.

Not just that she's a girl and a bit more grown up so won't like it... that's basically saying do it to you er ones

Nacho
Genitals
Think u could be right she usually seems irritated around him after a period of time

so a pre pubescent boy touching a boys genitalia is just a bit of harmless horseplay but a pre pubescent boy touching girls genitalia is a safeguarding issue?

Oh dear. Pedantic and a little hard of seeing.

Let me bold the section that you chose not to see so I can help you.

Because boys can be eejits that think it's 'amusing' to hit each other in the testicals

You seem to have read it as "it's absolutely ok for a male to touch another males private's and it will never be a safeguarding issue."

I hope my holding what I truly wrote and what I truly meant helps you a little bit. Hun.

Hi op. Like I said in my first response, the child needs a talk about boundaries. But that's all at this stage. This kind of thing is incredibly common, it's also normal! Children are still learning about boundaries, the same way they are still learning about a whole load of other stuff. It's part of a normal curiosity about bodies, about bodily functions and especially differences. Shaming (which is what a lot of pp are talking about when you get down to the nitty gritty) is hugely harmful, to both parties. So yes, in context it's a non issue during a game of chase.

Also. If you can't see a difference between 'touching' and 'hitting' then you're being deliberately stupid.

When a person wants to sexually touch another person, hitting them in the private parts isn't the general rule of thumb.
Again, I didn't realise I had to spell it out but you do need some help here don't you?

I've not heard the term costume area before but I have often seen info for kids referring to the area that would be covered by a swimming costume as being private, so it's clear to me what it means.

Third I did understand lol

Nine I do see what you are saying. I think my main concern was the mum seemed to be blaming my daughters upset as 'girls are sensitive' I understand kids are curious, I really do. I just think it needs to be more of a...you don't do this it can cause upset... conversation rather than... blaming the other person on being sensitive and vulnerable

House- thanks
I genuinely wasn't trying to be a twat about it...

Tbh I think 8/9 is too old for this to be a naive accident.

I'm still stuck at costume area.

OP I know you understand.

My reply was to the deliberately obtuse remarks to the previous poster.

Wait so they were playing tag and as a last go he touched her private area once as "tag you're it!"?
Or has it been happening the whole time with the touching of private areas as a "rule"?

In regards to "costume area" it's not a term I'd ever heard before but my 5 year old asked me last week if I knew what it was and then explained it to me. He said that's what Ricky 'somebody or the other' called it on a programme he was watching.

I guess it came from the pants rule also

I remember a girl doing this to my son at that age. She’d run round punching / whacking the boys’ private’s. My son was getting really uncomfortable and irritated about it. She was even doing it when I was there and holding his hand so she obvs didn’t think anything of it. Even the mum rolled her eyes in a ‘what are they like’ way. I had to be quite firm in the end. I do think it was seen as more ok because she was a girl doing it to a boy but who knows.

Sounds like you have it all under control op. Keep an 👁.