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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt that my friend laughed at this

18 replies

Northernsoul77 · 23/10/2018 11:45

One of my close friends from back home who I've known most of my life has suffered a lot of mental health issues and I've always told her to call/text me if she needs someone. I was the only friend who visited her when she was in the psychiatric hospital and she will often call over at the house in tears and I never turn her away and always listen to her worries.

I have recently been going through a tough time (bad break up, moving house, caring responsibilities for relatives) and as a result my anxiety has been very bad (panic attacks and irrational thoughts overwhelming me). When I explained the anxiety to her she laughed. I said that I wasn't joking and that things really have been bad (I am always usually very strong) but she hasn't been in touch since to ask how I am and over a month has passed.

AIBU being hurt at this? I am there for her because I care about her but I feel like no-one should laugh at someone when they are unwell, especially someone who has been there for you when the boot was on the other foot so to speak.

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 23/10/2018 11:48

She may have laughed through embarrassment or anxiety. She may not feel well enough herself to support you and feel bad about it, Who knows?

Seeline · 23/10/2018 11:49

YNBU to feel hurt.

But why has she behaved like this? Could she just not feel strong enough to take on someone else's problems?

redexpat · 23/10/2018 11:50

Yanbu. It's always horrible to find out that you mean less to someone than they do to you. At least you know the truth now. So you need to find someone else to support you. Have you got any good candidates?

StylishDuck · 23/10/2018 11:50

YANBU to be hurt by this OP. Maybe though if she has her own MH issues she doesn't feel strong enough to support you through yours. You have to think about yourself though and whether being friends with her will result in your own MH deteriorating if it's always you giving he support and not receiving it in return

redexpat · 23/10/2018 11:52

Oh good point by pps. She might not know how to support others.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 23/10/2018 11:54

Yes she may well not know how - but she should message to apologise for her initial reaction.

JuJu2017 · 23/10/2018 11:56

Maybe she feels that your view of anxiety pales in comparisons to the mental health struggles she’s been through? Not a viewpoint you’d expect from a good friend but it could explain her behaviour. As another poster has pointed out, the fact that she struggles so badly with her mental health may mean that she’s unable to be a proper friend and respond in an expected manner? Is she capable of offering support to you considering what she’s been through? If so, it sounds like you’re more of a carer to her than a friend.

Escolar · 23/10/2018 12:02

She thinks of you as the strong one, OP. Either she can’t cope with finding out you’re not, or she doesn’t really believe that yours is anything serious.

Tiredofitalltoday122 · 23/10/2018 12:24

Ugh, you have my sympathy. A friend of mine did virtually the same to me (her reaction was to say "mine's worse. I have PROPER depression. Yours isn't real" and change the subject). I wasn't even asking her for support so it would have cost her nothing just to say "I'm sorry". Sadly, I came to the conclusion that being unwell didn't prevent her also being a nasty little bitch, but that was based on a long history of her being a bit of a dickhead to people. What's your friend like apart from that incident?

Bowerbird5 · 23/10/2018 12:39

I had the same a year or so ago. Not as ill as your friend but mine came here most days. Sometimes rang up in tears I would drop everything/ change plans and it would be something very minor. Obviously not to her.
This went on for a couple of years then one day when I wasn't very well I said something about the holiday they were going to take. I was worried that she wouldn't like it and that it wouldn't match expectations.I didn't dis it I just pointed out that some people would be showy and not always genuine vying for Captain's table etc. It was a cruise whereas they usually only had about four or five days in this country.
I haven't seen her since except the day I bumped into her.I apologised and said I hadn't been very well and hoped I hadn't hurt her feelings etc. I had previously called around and knew they were in but heard her tell daughter to pretend they were out. I have left it for her to call she hasn't bothered.

Unfortunately it maybe that she doesn't need you any more or that she doesn't want to support you. You might have to let the friendship go as I have had to.It is upsetting. I hope your friend is more forgiving than mine. I hope you feel better soon.

RedPanda2 · 23/10/2018 12:39

That's shit. I found when I had MH issues, my friends and even family with MH problems didn't support me at all. Hugs.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/10/2018 13:00

You've got a lot on your plate OP, I'd crack on if I were you.💐

Neshoma · 23/10/2018 13:05

You are there for her needs, she wants you to listen to her worries as and when she wants, she doesn't want to care for you - that's not part of her life. Very selfish.

tolerable · 23/10/2018 13:15

might not be popular for pointing this out-i still stand by it tho.People who have severe mental health issues do not venture far outwith thier own box. its not intentional theyre not like total cf's..but they got no concept of anything but their own sense of self.you cannot lean on them and they wont letyou.it seems selfish,maybe it is. just my opinion

tiggerkid · 23/10/2018 13:44

If she had mental issues to the point of being in a psychiatric hospital, I'd say that you can't be that sure she is capable of showing entirely adequate reactions. Not to say I am justifying her behaviour but I'd probably seek support from more stable sources instead.

florafawna · 23/10/2018 13:46

She is no friend.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/10/2018 14:01

Whether she isn't able to be there for you due to her own MH issues or is just using you for her own support, it appears that this friendship isn't what you need in your life right now. I think you need to let it go. You aren't required to be someone's support system when you need one of your own.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2018 14:24

As has been said, it might have been a nervous reaction but since she hasn't checked up on you since, it may well be that you're no use to her if you're also "broken".
Being kind, she may not have the mental strength to support you now you're in need - being less kind, she just can't be bothered with you.

Can't tell which - but either way, you're not going to get any support from her, so I'd try to put it out of your mind. She doesn't have the wherewithall to be empathic to your situation, for whatever reason - so find support elsewhere.

Up to you whether or not you choose to support her in the future.

So sorry you're going through a hard time yourself and I do hope you have other people who can support you.

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