AIBU?
To give him a chance?
Misen · 23/10/2018 10:47
I recently met a guy through a mutual friend and quite unexpectedly, we hit it off. He lives quite far away so we agreed we would take things slowly and see how it goes. It started off as a bit of fun but we connected in a much deeper way and we both agreed we are developing feelings for each other.
Then, someone else from their group of friends visited separately and told my mutual friend that this guy is a total player and has a reputation in his home town, warning me to stay away.
This doesn’t match with what I’ve seen and heard but of course, he knows him much better than I do. I like to take people at face value but now I’m unsure what to think.
I could walk away now with minimal damage to my feelings but I could also be walking away from something that has potential on the word of someone I don’t know at all. My mutual friend is begging me to listen and block contact.
WIBU to keep seeing him and find out for myself or would you listen to the advice and block?
RatUnholyRolyPoly · 23/10/2018 10:49
Is there any reason this mutual friend would lie to you? Could they have feelings for you?
If there's no reason why they'd lie and they're someone you otherwise trust I think I'd probably listen to be honest.
SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2018 10:50
So the mutual friend (F1) thought he (Bf) was nice until other friend (F2) said something?
Could F2 fancy you? Have something against your BF?
I'd "jokingly" tell him you've been hearing rumours and see what he says.
Do you want to make your decision based o the word of someone you don't actually know?
Gizzygizmo · 23/10/2018 10:52
Difficult one, depends how this person knows him... friend, ex, maybe fancied him and she got knocked down? Try work out what connection they have?
tiggerkid · 23/10/2018 10:55
It doesn't sound like you are that sure of your data sources. Personally, I'd want to find out for myself to avoid all what-ifs later. If heartbreak is at the end of it, then so be it. It's life. But it could be something great.
Misen · 23/10/2018 10:58
This is the problem I’m having - I don’t know any of these people well enough to know who is or if they are lying.
There is a potential motive. My mutual friend was in a relationship with one of the group but found out he was messaging other women. This other guy then told her that he was also a player and has a reputation in their hometown. He said both my friends (now ex) boyfriend and the guy I am seeing both are. It is possible that he is trying to make a move on my mutual friend himself.
Urgh, I really hate drama like this.
Sitranced · 23/10/2018 11:02
Why do you believe this friends word over your own experiences and perceptions? Make up your own mind.
Misen · 23/10/2018 11:03
My mutual friend is a woman so she definitely doesn’t have a motive other than my happiness. It’s this guy who is telling her these things that I’m unsure of. My friend doesn’t know him that well either, having met him through her exBF, but she is saying she trusts him and I should listen too. She says she feels bad for setting us up.
Misen · 23/10/2018 11:07
@Sitranced, that is what I would usually do but they live so far away, I know nobody else from their circle. I don’t know the guy I have been seeing very well either but I like what I have seen. He seems shy and introverted, is a deep thinker and doesn’t like fakeness in people. None of this points to him being a player so I’m struggling to imagine it. But this other guy is his good friend and knows him better than me. I just don’t want to waste my time, especially as it will have to be a long distance thing initially.
RatUnholyRolyPoly · 23/10/2018 11:07
Ah, okay, so it's either trust the guy she's seeing or trust the one you're seeing.
That makes it much more spurious.
I think in those circumstances you should both keep on keeping on with your respective boyfriends; you're both as likely to be wrong about them as each other. Stay vigilant though, one of you is dealing with a liar!
PQRST · 23/10/2018 12:55
Hi OP,
I can offer my opinion based on personal experience. I met a guy once who lived a bit away from me. Really hit it off early and he seemed perfect. We were in a 2 year relationship where he treated me like dirt in general after 6 months, messaging other girls, dumping me with no obvious reason then suicide threats to get me back etc etc.
I made friends through him that I've stayed in touch with since we broke up, and from the things I've learned, I can say that if we were from similar social circles/went to the same school when growing up etc I'd have NEVER touched him with a barge pole.
I could only go on what he had told me about himself and I was suckered in by it, but dear God it couldn't have been further from the truth. Some of the best are him sleeping with a girl then stealing £50 from her purse when he left in the morning, going out for drinks with his mates and saying "back in 30, just going to get a blow job from a bird I'm talking to", and just being a skanky scumbag in general.
I always felt quite embarrassed at the thought of probably ALL of his hometown friends/girls he was messaging when we were togther knowing what a skank he is and me blissfully unaware thinking he was God's gift. But after it had all blown over I just really wished I had known of him before because if I did I'd never have got involved in the first place with someone with such blatant disrespect for women.
Obviously your guy might not be like this, but I would definitely say if you do decide to give him a chance then definitely approach with caution and just stay wise to things.
On a side note, my ex got a new girlfriend and was full of the gushing loved up posts on social media etc. We were thinking "well maybe a leopard can change his spots" until he messaged another friend saying he wishes he had chosen her over his girlfriend (was even funnier because the friend was never even an option to him, he was just deluded and she wasn't interested 
) so he's still up to all of his old tricks!
Misen · 24/10/2018 13:15
Urgh. It’s got even worse. My friend’s ex has messaged me implying that the guy I’m seeing is a player, I think as revenge for the situation with my friend. My friend has messaged the guy too telling him to stay away from me without my knowledge.
I’m really cross that we’ve been dragged into this drama and that other people are seeing fit to make decisions for me. Even if he is everything they say he is, I firmly believe people change and I wanted to find out for myself.
My friend is saying I’m being disloyal to her for still speaking to him as he was apparently aware of her ex cheating on her. What a mess!
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