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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu or would you be suspicious too?

23 replies

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:00

There's a huge chance I could be overreacting here , my last relationship of four years ended as I was cheated on and I am worried I'm projecting onto new relationship of a year..

When we first met we had a date and two weeks later he had a wedding I remember vaguely i think him saying about someone fancying him there and it was light hearted conversation we had about it It was a work wedding and a lot of guys were sharing in a family room for context.

He also does hill walking and I remember a few months later he was out doing one and mentioned he saw someone from the wedding and we spoke about how weird that is cos what are the chances you know of all the hills etc

Last night he said the guy who's wedding it was said at work... oh saw that girl at weekend was asking if you were single (I didn't realise this was hill girl I thought was just a random at first)

I should have probably just left it but I had a niggling feeling and I eventually said why would he say that when he knows you have a girlfriend? And why would she still be interested months later?

I was asking well do you know her ? And he said no not very well she was just at the wedding. Then later said it was the girl they bumped into on the walk then later said he knew she fancied him, this was all confusing since he was playing dumb and first was like dunno why the work friend would say that don't really know who she is ?

I've said he's made himself seem suspicious even though I don't necessarily think he's done anything wrong , I'm just worried there's more to it however I am also worried I'm bringing up stuff from past relationships and making an innocent thing into something sinister.

He hasn't given me a reason to not trust him so far and I'm ready struggling if I'm just being a dog with a bone and let it go he obviously was just a bit smug someone fancies him or if I should not just let this go?

Please tell me I'm being stupid
NCd for this xx

OP posts:
Mixedbags · 23/10/2018 07:04

If he hasn’t given you any reason to not trust him, let it go. Don’t worry and be confident in yourself.

waxy1 · 23/10/2018 07:04

A touch of mentionitis.

Jaxtellerswife · 23/10/2018 07:07

Hmm. I'd notice this too. It would be enough to concern me I think. Instinct is a funny thing

Loopytiles · 23/10/2018 07:07

Is your concern that something happened between them at the wedding, when you had just met?

It’s possible, but seems more likely he was showing off to you that someone fancies him: odd of him to mention that IMO. Was he seeking to “keep you on your toes”?

Talith · 23/10/2018 07:11

Sounds a bit too bloody convenient to me. She keeps popping up doesn't she? I don't think you're being unreasonable to be a bit suspicious.

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:13

I don't believe anything went on but was more thinking along the lines of they texted a bit ? I just think he would have to have shown some interest for her to then be like.oh is he single unless shes just an absolute nutcase 😂
If I was at a wedding made it clear I was keen on someone but then thought oh they got a girlfriend nevermind I wouldn't keep asking oh are they single id just move on with my life 😂

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KC225 · 23/10/2018 07:14

Ummmm being smug has cost him. I don't think its unreasonable for the person at work to ask if he was single on the girl's behalf. If it was a works wedding and you went there, and if he was hill walking alone, it would be easy to assume/ask if he is single if you have not been in the picture.

Does he hill walk in a group? Do you suspect the girl knew he would be there, or worse still met him?

I would hate all the 'gee shucks, a girl fancies me and everyone knows she wants me'. Get over yourself. It doesn't sound as if this relationship is far down the line, I understand you have been hurt in the past but is it worth it. If he knows you have trust issues, and him seeing the girl was a coincidence, why is he mentioning it?

Loopytiles · 23/10/2018 07:16

Texting an OW while dating you would have been “something happening” in my book!

Asking if someone is now single when last time you heard they had isn’t at all odd IMO. “Nutcase”? Hmm

Why focus on her behaviour anyway? Your boyfriend chose to inform you that there was someone who fancied him, then brought it up again a couple of times at least.

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:16

I know for sure the hill thing is legit cos he went with his dad and photos on FB etc ... Now I'm thinking back to last night he said he was on a walk with the work friend and another work friend but I don't think that's right if it's the hill walk am thinking of ... Why didn't he say he was with his dad? Maybe in his head he thinks it sounds less weird if he bumped into the girl with the mutual work friend there instead of just his dad

I feel like he's making himself more suspect by trying not to be

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DanglyBangly · 23/10/2018 07:20

I don’t think it’s that unusual that she asked if he was single. At the time of the wedding, he’d only been on one date with you so it’s a grey area as to whether he could call himself single or not.

He was hill walking alone/with friends, in any event without a partner.

So I don’t think she’s necessarily some kind of maneater and I think he’s a bit smug at her interest and wants to show you he’s a catch.

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:21

He doesn't necessarily know I have trust issues as i don't really mention it he knows that's why my last relationship ended but that's about it
I don't know for sure at all they texted am just guessing that's why she's still think to ask about him rather than just a brief meeting at a wedding you know
He apologised last night and said he went about it wrong and he shouldn't have bothered mentioning anything cos it's really not a big deal and theres nothing to be suspicious about

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TeddybearBaby · 23/10/2018 07:24

Ordinarily I think don’t dismiss your gut feeling but here (if you’re panicking) I’m not sure you can trust yours.

If you can and it’ll be really hard for you I’d say let go. You can’t control people. If he’s going to cheat or already has your anxiety won’t change it, it’ll just make your own life a misery as well.

Take big deep breaths, maybe write your feelings down, meditate if you like doing that and just try to enjoy having your boyfriend. Once you’re in a calmer state you’ll be able to think more clearly. If he is one to stray then he’s not good enough anyway. Good luck, I know that feeling and it’s so disempowering, like you have no control at all but you have, you can control your own thoughts 💐

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 07:24

@Dwightscott

Two things that came to me.

1 You don't know if you should trust your instincts because you could be transferring. I'd say hold off for a while but be cautious.

  1. In my very single days I would be quite obsessive about blokes I met even once. If I was at a wedding and got talking to someone, and met up with a friend from the wedding I would mention that guy. That doesn't mean I'm sitting there waiting for him, but if he made an impression I'd definitely ask after him.
Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:26

Yeah my comment about her was a bit bitchy I just wouldn't do that myself but I see why she just innocently asked

He just left for work we didn't really speak last night after he apologised as I was tired anyway so had a bath and made an excuse to go to bed when he came to bed I said I feel weird about it and he just said he's sorry again.

He'll probably message me again today to check if I'm ok and I dunno whether to just be like yeah fine or to explain how am still feeling and keep it going

Hate stuff like this 😓

I didn't suspect my ex cheating at alllll he was very controlling and abusive but the cheating really shocked me so I know how easy it is to not realise even though I always feel like I'm aware and swtiched on to everything

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Escolar · 23/10/2018 07:29

Sounds to me like it's probably nothing. No harm in keeping an eye on it though.

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:30

@teddy your comment really resonated with me I do like to feel in control as a way of that I can then protect myself from being hurt like.oh well I knew that would happen anyway
I had the view so far of well if they cheat they cheat they will do it regardless, he even had a lads holiday abroad a few weeks ago and it just didn't phase me whatsoever
I think what has got to me.is this information is from a few months ago and am annoyed like I've missed something if this all happened present day I don't think I would be bothered

I'm going to ride it out have a little meditation like you said and see how things go x thank you for being so kind

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OhTheRoses · 23/10/2018 07:30

Might be something in it, might not. Who knows. But, if he was the one for you you would be happy and secure and feel safe and totally unconditional with him. You don't. If it wasn't the girl at the wedding it would be someone else.

Move on. Fjnd peace with yoyrself and get over your previous relationship. When you are at one with yourself you will be ready to be at one with the right one.

Faultymain5 · 23/10/2018 07:31

Do you think either of you will benefit from you taking it further?

I'm very much dog with a bone in this kind of situation. I need agreement from the other party. Do you need that?

I would suggest saying, that you are shocked by how this is making you feel, that you are still unsettled. That you accept his apology (if you do), but you are still processing and it will take some time.

Or something like that.

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:39

@ohtheroses that's the thing until this I did feel that way I've never had a boyfriend who was calming and who made me feel so relaxed and secure especially after having such an abusive ex this was the polar opposite, I always thought I was just an argumentative person and would bicker about anything until I met him I just like how peaceful everything is, last night was the first time I've really felt upset at him and the first argument we have properly had I think this is why I feel so spaced out about it

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Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 07:41

@faulty I liked the way you worded that I'll stick to something like that once he gets in touch

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AtrociousCircumstance · 23/10/2018 07:43

Hmm. She’s on his radar and he’s interested in her, if only because he knows she fancies him and - if he wanted to - he could pursue her and get sex. He’s probably been thinking about her.

That doesn’t mean he’ll cheat but I certainly wouldn’t like being put in this situation with a partner. I understand why you feel insecure about this.

He has apologised and seems to understand why you feel rattled. Have another chat with him about it.

Mossend · 23/10/2018 07:58

I would be more concerned that he feels the need to tell you these things.

There was absolutely no need for him to tell you what the colleague said

Dwightscott · 23/10/2018 08:22

I still don't understand why he told me either just to brag that someone fancies him I guess ? I told him before I really got into it that I wasn't impressed

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