Help! I need non bias advice-Fiancé lying to me about steroids

[Moomer723]

Hi everyone this is going to be long so bare with me.... I’m new to this thread/website and need some outside opinions. I’ve been with my guy for over 6 years now. 2 years ago we were having a lot of problems and I broke up with him which was the hardest thing i ever did because I truly am so in love with him but i knew I had to do it for me at the time n if things were to change it would be on him to make those changes... There was no cheating or anything involving other women or anything but he lied to me about taking steroids and doing coke randomly and just talked to me like shit he was very manipulative and I just had it....I left our house, got my own apartment and set a point that I wasn’t going to put up with the bullshit anymore. He has a son who I’m very close with so that was super difficult and we have a dog together but i was thinking of what was best for me this time as i was emotionally destroyed. My family was very supportive.

Anyway He begged for me back for a while and i refused until I saw changes. We both kind of did our own thing as I broke up with him for a good 7 months.... anyway, he didn’t give up and he ended up going to therapy on his own for a while, and really took full responsibility for the problems we had in our relationship and i saw a huge change in him. He even reached out to my parents (in person) and my siblings and apologized to them for all he put me through and promised he would never make me feel that way again. It was almost like I was dating a new guy and after 8 months I decided to give him a second chance. This past September we got engaged and it was amazing. However- lately we have been at each other’s throats. We are living in his mother’s spare apartment saving for a house and the wedding n it’s super small but it’s rent free and we both know it’s what a lot of couples do in the beginning. Lately we have been fighting a lot and I’m starting to c old patterns especially in the way he talks to me when we argue. He puts me down and is putting EVERYTHING on me almost trying to manipulate me to feel bad that i could even accuse him of anything because “omg look at all he’s done for me to be back with me.” I’m the bad guy and I’m the one who is ruining everything etc. before we were able to “fight clean” and now I feel like he’s defensive over everything and I’mvWalking on eggshells. When I try to talk to him he just flips out n says I’m impossible to talk to (ummm hello you’re the one yelling and being a psycho).... so anyway, I found steroids in his car. He doesn’t know I found them yet. As I know if i call him out now it’ll just be WW3 because we’re fighting right now. But I feel
Betrayed. He promied me when I took him back in December of 2017 that those days were over and he would never touch them again. He promised not only me but my parents. I don’t know what the hell to do. I’m engaged to this man and I’m super close with his son (my soon to be step son who is 8) but I can’t help but think how (pardon my language) how fucked up this is that he lied to my face about something he knows I’m not dealing with. It’s disrespectful and so hurtful especially when he’s blatantly telling me I am being crazy n I need to relax and he does nothing wrong when he knows he is. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been upset day. There’s so many changes that he’s made but if that’s true he wouldn’t have done this right? I’m in a super tough spot. I kind of want to go back to couples counseling and bring it up there in a mutual setting. I don’t know. Help me please.

You're not in a tough spot. Shit and horrible yes. But not difficult. You know exactly what to do. You don't want to kick him out because you're engaged and family and his son, but you have to.

he is an unpleasant, untrustworthy, drug-taking liar. You know you can't marry him, right? He'll make you utterly miserable.

He's telling you it was a massive effort and favour to you not to be aa unpleasant drug user. Do you want to live like that?

I know. N I’m just so upset that this happened because for the last year since we got back together it’s honestly been amazing and he’s been so great or else I clearly wouldn’t have said yes to marrying him a month and a half ago. My family adores him and always tells me too how much we have professed and I know first hand So much had changed So this happening now (me finding steroids) just hit me out of nowhere I’m just trying to process it all. Thank you for your comment so quickly.

Don't marry him. This is the real him, he's a lying steroid abuser with an anger problem. Oh and he is happily messing with your head. You deserve better than this. Don't have counselling with him, just get rid.

I'm not 'jumping to his defense' here...but sounds like he's in desperate need for his addiction issues - and maybe it's ultimatum time for you (and also something he needs you to do, which he won't agree with of course) - I'm not okaying it, but his behavior sounds very much a part of his illness, and vice versa....you can't live like this, and that's something you need to tell him.

Yep, he's showing you exactly what married life would be like but with the added legal complications.
The good news is that everyone will be aware that he lied once you tell them, will be relieved that you didn't tie the knot and that he wasn't smart enough to at least try until after the wedding.
Contact his ex, let her have your contact details and check to see if you can still send cards/gifts to his son at hers.
He has a problem, it's not your job to fix it/stand by him/get used to being abused.

He’s been ‘on his best behaviour’ since getting you back and now he’s lapsed again (if he was ever off them in the first place). He doesn’t have the will to keep off them until you’re married like many other abusers. He will only get worse if he gets that ring on your finger. If an 8 year son can’t put him off taking this shit, then why do you think he’s going to stop for you? He’s an addict.

I hope you’re going to be ok x

(Coming from a non-biased place, as OP asked for.....) Addiction is a disease - and unfortunately OP this is something he is suffering, you've dealt with him like this before - this comes with denial, anger, defensive attitude, blame, secrecy- and most often relapse - you've been here before - I'm guessing so have his family - and they would be my first phone call, you need some people on your side to support you to confront this - it's important for you to take the secrecy away from him and not have to suffer this or deal alone.

His recovery (and your sanity!) needs you to step away from him, I'd certainly put your future plans on hold as of now- and do not have this conversation with him on your own (Counselling, family member, friend). He needs to own this - and you need support x

This is him. He is able to be on best behaviour for a while, but he can’t keep it up for long.

When someone shows you who they are, listen.

Please leave, you have a lifetime of this ahead if you don’t. He is not the man that he promised he would be. You deserve better.

He didn't quit for you. He should have quit to make his own life better.
The fact that you are now getting the blame for him giving up his best mate (the drugs) means he's in a much more committed relationship with them than he is with you.
End things and move on. Once they (family and friends) all know the truth they will be relieved you didn't go through with it. He's made his choice, you need to stick to your ultimatum.

If this is what you want your future to be, stay. He’s not going to change and you’ve got one sensible option: walk away forever.

He hasn't changed, but succeeded in roping in the people around you into reinforcing his abuse.

I’m so sorry OP but he has proved he won’t ever really change. He’s the same selfish, dishonest and nasty arsehole he used to be. He was just able to put on a good show for a few months. You deserve so much better than this.

He never quit he just learnt how to gaslight you instead.

Break up with him. Tell him it’s just the arguments getting you down and you no longer wish to marry him. No point in starting ww3 when your entitled to walk away for any reason that you want.

Thank you everyone. I’m so hurt right now but I’m a very successful and strong woman. I’m 31 years old and was looking forward to having children and being in a happy marriage and I can’t believe that this all just blew up in my face. I’ve even told him multiple times the risk of steroid use and he swore it wouldn’t happen again. How insecure can you be? I always told him he looks amazing without them.... and Me and his Ex wife get along extremely well we have a great co parenting relationship with her and her husband so that would never be an issue. She is a huge push over though....Of course he’ll never admit he has a problem that’s the worst part. I found the steroids in his car he has no idea I even know yet. Last night I just went to bed and when he came in bed he tries to put his arm around me probably because he knows I’m livid about something and he prob felt like he was being a dick (which he was) but I just pretended to be asleep. I know I don’t deserve this. At least this way, I can say I did give it another shot and I put my
Whole heart into this and well he ruined it not me. I’m scared though because I’m 31 and i want to have kids and have a family and this life i had set for myself is basically crumbling right before me. I trusted him again and we were seriously better than ever and now it’s like I’m looking at him from 2 years ago. It’s the worst feeling ever.

Never trust a liar.

He's not changing for anyone. Run OP. Fast.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard work or cause you this much grief. Can you imagine this being your life forever?

He wont change and I'd be worried about the steroids causing increasing aggression/violence. You need to call it a day and start fresh.

Loving someone is not solely a good enough reason to stay in a relationship. You need trust and respect too.

Repeat to yourself over and over. Love is not enough. Love is not enough. As much as you love him, love is not enough.

I know and I agree with you. The saddest part of this whole thing is that we were actually extremely happy. Like the way that him and I are together is beautiful so this literally is crashing on me like a ton of bricks and I cannot believe that I’m dealing with this right now. It’s literally like he just doesn’t care and he’s selfish. I thought so many things changed because I saw them with my own Eyes. Even my family saw it and now it’s like he’s going back to his old self which I never thought I’d see again. I know what I deserve and I know that I would have guys lining up with the door but it’s just not that simple when your head and your heart are involved which I’m sure everybody knows. But I know that everybody on this thread is correct I think I just needed to see it in writing. Not sure how I should approach this situation because I don’t want it to turn into a screaming match. We just got engaged six weeks ago this is so embarrassing Especially because I took him back and gave him a second chance and everything was great for almost a year and now this happened so my family and his family are both very invested in our relationship. I’m honestly so embarrassed about this whole thing and I feel like a fool even though I know it’s not my fault.

You're not a fool. Unless every person who ever loved a person with addictions is a fool. In which case; me too. Not any more which is why I can tell you to leave.

If you think about it another way. You love him. And the ONLY way he can get actually clean and actually change is if it costs him a lot and he decides to change for him. You leaving, him seeing that a lovely person like you can't be with him like this... Maybe with years of work he can actually become the person he has been pretending to be. But not with you there.

You're not a fool. You gave him a second chance and he blew it. You sound like a strong and capable woman, you can do this. You know your future will be a lot happier, once you have this sorted out. Marrying this man will just make you miserable, he doesn't deserve you.

Do not tie yourself to this man.