Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish people would ask what the children need before buying them stuff?

58 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/10/2018 22:11

I know I will probably come across as ungrateful, and honestly I should think I am a bit. Recently MIL has bought my 2 pre school age boys a lovely (expensive) pair of jeans each. I've managed to get the 3 yr old to wear them once (To visit mil) but I know he won't wear them again. The younger one spends the entire time pulling at his legs. She also bought them , again lovely, pjs each. Which would be great except I have already bought the exact same set for Christmas. Stbx came along with a thick fleece hoody for them, when they already have 2 each which are very warm and were gifts from other relatives which he knows about. Ds1 cried when he showed me his as he said "I didn't want it but Daddy chose it". So, he has 2 he will happily wear and this one he won't. I'm not going to argue with a 3 yr old when he's said from the start he doesn't want it.

I think it's lively that they like to buy things for the children but I do wish they'd buy stuff that they need, or at least that they like. It's very difficult to refuse as things are still awkward after splitting up.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 22/10/2018 22:52

You seem a bit stubborn about the PJs. Why don't you take the ones you bought back and use the money to get something they actually need?

I do understand the stress of receiving clothes you know aren't right (I got 12 summery outfits in age 0-3m which didn't fit DD until September and felt pressure to make sure she wore them all) and will barely be worn but it's not the end of the world and you can always charity shop them when your boys have grown out of them so that it doesn't feel as wasteful.

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 22:54

I find it difficult to speak to them about it as things are rather strained. Maybe they find it difficult to speak to you too?

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 22/10/2018 22:57

With the pjs, they will love them, they are for Christmas, I'd like to see them open them and be pleased. I put them to bed , and I get them up. They are a special thing that I'd not normally be able to buy. I bought them and was excited to have them. Maybe I am stubborn but honestly why should I return them? Why shouldn't the boys have the excitement of the present?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 22/10/2018 23:00

Mere honestly, I don't know . I don't want to appear to be ungrateful. If it were my family, I'd say that I'd already bought them/they didn't want to wear them and that would be that. Contrary to how this might cone across, I really do like Mil, we had a very good relationship. Unfortunately her son is an abusive arsehole. Obviously this has had an impact. I don't want to offend or upset her as she is really lovely, and so helpful. Maybe I should have put that in my OP.

OP posts:
dontgobaconmyheart · 22/10/2018 23:02

I always always ask multiple times what my SIL's want for their children on every occasion, and the same politeness that dictates you won't speak to your MIL directly also dictates that most people don't actually answer if you do ask for fear of looking grabby or rude. I universally get a "oh the kids would be thrilled with anything" [hmm} - when we all know that's never the case is it.
I also think it comes across a bit of a power game to ask people to return things because you bought similar, sort of a demonstration that you are their mother and get the say and they don't know them and got it wrong again because they are not that close to them, or as though you want the kids to like best what you got them ( whether it's true or not).
An extra pair of PJ's hardly matters, either put them in rotation for the kids , you never know maybe they will pick them to wear, or extend the clothes to charity and politely but directly mention that unfortunately the kids are very fussy with clothes and won't wear 'x' because of 'y', explain what they do wear, and let her get that next time.
There is no reason you can't say " hello MIL, you always buy such lovely clothes for the DC, this year they would really love 'x' as despite best efforts they don't like wearing jeans, such a shame" or share some links to get her involved. It's tricky being on the peripherary of children you love and want to gift things to. If she is a nice person it doesn't seem worth any of the hassle involved.

chipshape · 22/10/2018 23:05

I totally agree. My kids have loads of toys and plenty of clothes (I get great hand me downs from a few friends) so I'm always hoping people ask for ideas. Then I can suggest books or a small bit of Lego to add to their collection. however it's easy to just give unwanted stuff to charity shops so I wouldn't get too pissed off about it.

And I don't put my kids (4 and 2) in jeans either because they seem too restrictive for climbing/playground etc

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 22/10/2018 23:10

dontgo the Pjs are the exact same otherwise it wouldn't be an issue. I have said about ds1s resistance to jeans several times. I've also said that I've been given a load of clothes from a friend with enough jeans to clothes an entire pre school, and that was a shame he would only wear the soft cords and joggers. No ambiguity, or rudeness, at all.

OP posts:
Returnofthesmileybar · 22/10/2018 23:12

Can't you just say nothing and exchange them? Most shops will exchange without a receipt. If she asks, and she probably won't just say "Oh you know what James is like for jeans, I exchanged them for a Fab jumper which I don't think he has taken off him since, I told him nanny bought it, thanks a million" or "I had those PJ's but they badly needed underwear so I changed them, I have enough for ages now which is great, thanks a million"
No big deal, both my dm & mil would just be glad things were getting used

JustAskingForAFriend · 22/10/2018 23:15

I'm sure there will be equally nice pj's you could cha ge them for if not be prepared for ' Oh we have these already' this time of Yr theres loads of lovely pj's.

tillytrotter1 · 22/10/2018 23:22

I always ask what they want/need, birthdays and Christmas, for 4 grandchildren within a couple of months. With the older girls, 11/13 I've bought H and M vouchers in the past and they've bought a lot of their favourite tat. I've now decided to buy them something they wouldn't be able to afford to buy themselves instead, it went down well for the first one, a lovely cosy expensive hoodie.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 22/10/2018 23:22

Having thought about it, I think I might be over thinking the conversation with mil. I worry about upsetting her. The posts where several of you have said in a really light hearted off the cuff way "oh do this or say that " have made me realise how much it's bothering me. Saying that though, I have said several times about certain things ad start to feel like I'm labouring the point when people disregard it.

OP posts:
Destinesia · 22/10/2018 23:25

My kids won't wear jeans and haven't done for years.

Can you take her pj's back using your receipt and get something they actually need instead?

Pooleschoolschoice · 23/10/2018 05:00

Fuckitbuckit - it shows we're all different. I far rather dressed my baby in vests and babygrows until 6 monthsish, definitely in the 0-3 stage and was given a few pointless outfits!!

It is v hard to get right unless you know someone!

heidithebogey2 · 23/10/2018 05:12

YANBU - if a gift creates work for you (having to try and force your kid to wear it, having to return it, having to sell it, having to give it away) then it's not a gift, it's a chore.

My MIL does this - we then have to spend time and energy getting rid of the giant beaded giraffe she brought back from Nairobi or dressing the baby in the expensive frock that will onlu fit her for another week and taking precisely one photo.

Drives me mad, even if it's meant kindly.

Justanothernameonthepage · 23/10/2018 05:16

I'd pop the PJ's away until after you've given yours. Then it's just 2 sets of one's they'll like.
Or donate them to the local food/clothing bank/sell online.
Think of the clothing as an expensive bonding ritual your MIL is paying for.
(It drives me nuts, my SIL buys clothes for my DD that look as though Dame Edna designed a toddlers range. I just smile, thank her and drop it straight off at a charity shop or get store credit).

NutElla5x · 23/10/2018 05:26

First world problems. How about you buy your kids what they need and view anything anyone else kindly buys them as a bonus,and if you and your kids don't like the item don't make a fuss and just donate it to someone who would be grateful of it.

greendale17 · 23/10/2018 05:37

Return or sell unneeded gifts and get what you do need. Lots of shops will let you exchange without a receipt.

^This. I have never had a problem doing this

Robin2323 · 23/10/2018 05:50

Completely agreed.
Hate wasting money.
I was a single parent many years ago.
And my son didn't want years till teenage years.
Now it's all he wares lol

1frenchfoodie · 23/10/2018 06:06

I do think it sensible to check what kids need/want before buying for them and I thought YANBU til I came to:

'Re the Pjs, I've bought them as a Christmas present. I won't be returning them. I am asking mil if she would mind changing the ones she got

If money it tight, you hate waste etc then be grateful she freed up so e christmas money for something else. It is not like ‘first wooly pjamas’ is a christmas rite of passage she stole from you

bridgetreilly · 23/10/2018 08:33

YABVU re. the pyjamas. It's October. You have plenty of time to get them other stuff for Christmas. Why on earth should she check every time she buys them something?

adviceonthepox · 23/10/2018 09:41

Yanbu I just tell relatives not to buy clothes. They are usually the wrong size or not to my taste. My MIL buys rubbish stuff the kind of things left over at the end of a sale because they are awful. She also removes the tags before giving them. In the end I just used to give them back and say they aren't suitable sorry. The worst thing she ever bought them was an awful bright pink cardigan that had a kind of glittery thread. They were homemade and the one had a large area that was different to the rest. They were horrible. My youngest child has eczema and can't wear wool anyway. I actually laughed when she gave them to me and said are you serious these are awful. She'd picked them up at a fete and wasn't happy when I said they won't be wearing those take them back.
I had a long conversation with her about the fact she is wasting her money buying awful stuff that won't be used. She can see the type of clothes we put them in and I would be happy for her buy those type of things. She's not bought them any clothes for a few years now but she does make a few pa comments sometimes when she sees me about what they are wearing.

Satsumaeater · 23/10/2018 09:49

I don't really get the PJs issue. Does it matter that they're the same? extra PJs are always useful. My son had two identical pairs because he liked them and only recently grew out of them (and he's nearly 16, not 3).

Satsumaeater · 23/10/2018 09:50

However, I don't like people wasting money and it did upset me when well-meaning people bought ds things that I knew he couldn't or wouldn't use.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/10/2018 09:57

I'd have said to MIL that the kids won't wear them so rather than waste them does she want to return them or does she want you to exchange them.

The Pj's I don't get. Just put them in the cupboard until new year then you have two lovely pairs of Pj's to wash and wear.

charlestonchaplin · 23/10/2018 10:23

You don't have to like gifts. When a person gives you a gift they've done their bit. If you like it, that's a bonus. Even if you hate the gift they haven't wasted their money. They've done what they set out to do which is give you a gift. If it is particularly important to them that you like the gift, they will run the idea past you or someone close to you. You lamenting what you could have bought with their money instead is a different matter.