Normal in abusive relationships?

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My sister confessed today that she would rather stay in her abusive violent relationship than grow older and be lonely and a single parent.
She had 2 dc. Younger dc is his.
Is this a normal feeling?

No

I think in an abusive relationship this actually is normal. Or at least very common.

Your poor sister. Does she feel supported enough to be able to real away from him? Sounds as though she thinks life without him would be even worse than life with him. It's a difficult mindset to understand/change but please persevere with her.

Emotional abuse making her believe she’s worse off without him.
More concerning there are 2 children involved, that’s a safeguarding issue.

Yes social services are newly involved.
A family member phoned them and him/her are both very angry at the family member for involving them. The children are viewing violence so it's not best thing.
She is very dependant on him in every way.
I'm persevering with her but I need ideas to get through to her

I hope ss make her realise how damaging it is for kids to grow up in this environment.

She can't make her own choices but it for fair to subject the kids to it as well.

Yes it's quite normal I would say and it's sad. People are afraid of change, even if their current situation is dire. It's a case of better the devil you know. People are also scared to be alone I think and sometimes think an awful man is better than no man. Singledom is seen as failure by many and so people can be scared to end bad relationships due to fear of being judged. Women are also conditioned to feel they need a man to complete them. Some focus on the few good bits of an otherwise bad relationship and think well all relationships have ups and downs, mine isn't as bad as others... etc.

There are many reasons for staying in abusive relationships and fear of being alone especially in old age is very powerful I think. I ended my abusive relationship few months ago and honestly feel like I've been through the wringer. It's an ongoing acrimonious divorce and the end is nowhere in sight. It takes huge reserves of strength and endurance and bravery to end abusive relationships I think. Especially long-term ones where the abused person has been ground down. Same if there are kids involved. Sometimes it literally feels like it's not worth the effort as it takes too much out of you.
I hope your sister finds the strength to walk away.

That sounds like co-dependency.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

It's common enough sadly

This is sad, but it's likely very normal.

People who are abuse victims typically become very beaten down and depressed and have low self-esteem. Often they're very isolated. They may have very minimal access to money or minimal ability to work because their partner won't allow them to do so.

There's also the fact that, sadly, if she attempts to leave, the violence may increase. In fact some abuse victims have been killed by the abusive partner when they have attempted to leave.

Leaving is incredibly scary and some victims feel that they're better off living in a bad situation simply because they know what the score is and they are familiar with it. There is also the fact that there are children involved - she could be charged with parental abduction if she just walks off with the children, and if she leaves without them she could be viewed as abandoning her spouse and children. If she has pets, many shelters won't take them and her partner could be threatening to hurt them.

All of this is why the current advice for professionals isn't solely focused on LTB but also for encouraging women to create a safety plan if they decide they are not ready to leave.

I was like that with my violent ex. Terrified of being alone, I felt very rejected as a child and still took rejection badly then (met my ex when I was 18), and was afraid of ex going of the rails and seriously hurting himself in some way. I felt like if that happened, or our family split, it would be my fault for not fixing things/keeping it together. He was good with our son, never controlling (or so i though, he was in subtle ways), and I felt so sorry for him, even when he hurt me. I knew he was seriously mentally ill, but he was so good at hiding it from others, and the more normal the abnormal behaviour became, the more numb I got to it. The more I thought "if he could just control his temper, everything would be perfect". We argued a lot, but he usually ended up throwing or breaking stuff, if I went too far or said the wrong aka totally acuratething. Put his elbow through a window, foot through TV, pushed a bookcase over, fist through doors etc... He kicked me in the face at one point, and we made up a few hours later. When we finally split and I threw him out, I had such awful flash backs about that (and other incidents I'd really repressed, the look of pure hatred and malice in his eyes etc). At the time I kept telling myself he wasn't that bad etc. The more crazy he acted, the more I tried to get him to face reality, which would hurt his feelings, then the more guilty I felt, the more I tried to be nice, and understanding, and the more he walked all over me, repeat, repeat. Then he was caught kissing someone else, who admitted it had happened, which was the final straw (which seems trivial compared to everything else he did, but it made something click in my head at last. Up until this point, I'd suspected he'd been cheating all along, but had no proof).

No idea what's going on with your sis, but I hope that helped explain why someone might stay, crazy at it seems. For me it was a mix of low self esteem, fear of rejection, people pleasing, manipulation, gaslighting, and trauma. And he did the classic, came after me when I moved on thing, a week after I kicked him out, beat the crap out of me while he was stocious. Had had enough at that point, and took him to court. He got off, and now I have a caution on my record for assaulting him (long story). I hope your sis is ok.

No it’s not normal, but it’s how I felt in my abusive relationship, I would rather have put up with all the abuse than be alone, I was manipulated to think I was worthless.
It’s onky when you have space and tune that I realised how sad it was

Very normal by the vast number of heartbreaking threads that dot the AIBU & Relationships board, and that's just MN. Fear of the unknown, fear of financial deprivation, fear of retaliation, fear of social condemnation, fear of perceived failure and many other reasons.

Choosing to become a single parent and to deal with the consequences of making that choice take a huge amount of strength and self esteem which your sister does not have at the moment. I really feel for you though as you must be so worried. Helping her regain her self esteem and strength is all you can really do I think. Encourage her to get counselling on her own (definitely not with him). Offer as much emotional support as you can. But ultimately she has to make the decision to leave herself.

Thank you for all the insight, it does put things into perspective.
Very sad situation

ofcourse its normal, not right but normal, pop on other to the relationships board and you will see many people do the same. i even consider getting back with my abusive ex as im sick of the judgement i received as a single mum.