To be so bloody sick of people's attitudes towards my DH who has serious mental health problems

[Rabbitjam]

My husband suffers from severe anxiety and depression. We've been together nearly thirteen years and have two dds.

Over the years he has tried his hardest, he tried college, University, several jobs, all of which he had to quit due to debilitating health. He has had very little support from the NHS except an offer of group therapy which would be inappropriate in our area as he currently works for a mental health charity, and could potentially be in therapy with his service users. He has been on and off anti depressants for years.

Our first dd was born nearly four years ago and when I went back to work he became a stay at home dad, he did far more than his share in the home and was absolutely brilliant at being the main carer. He also picked up part time youth work in the evenings and began his own photography business. During this time he was actually called a "bum" by a relative, and really looked down upon by family on his dad's side for not having a 9-5 job.

Two years later, another dd, he gets offered his current job on the day I went into labour. I've seen him progress from being crippled by intrusive thoughts of worthlessness and self doubt, from suicidal thoughts, daily panic attacks that lead to severe IBS that left him in a lot of pain. I've seen it, and loved him through it. I've seen his sheer determination to keep on going and to make the best of life. He's in a good place at the moment but we know it's lurking and could set him back any time, but he has incredible strength and that's all come from within.

So when "friends" refer to him as flaky, a cop out, think he doesn't work enough or that he doesn't try, when people tell him to "just not think about it", when I have to cancel plans to help him on a bad day and people are down right rude to me about it, I get so fucking angry. I am finding it hard to let it all go over my head, I'm fiercely proud of his achievements and everything he has tried to do but often it is just seen as failures rather than celebrations.

I think one thing that doesn't help is he can't really talk to his friends about it, they get all awkward and dismissive. Or in some cases, willfully misunderstand.

How do I deal with this? I'm often a few words away from potentially wrecking friendships over this attitude, but I guess they're not particularly good friends in the first place.

Get some different friends!

To be fair I do have a good group of friends, there are just some who are lacking in understanding who I hoped would be more sympathatic. Harder to just cut relatives off though!

I'm not saying this is you or him but for a different perspective could your friends and his friends feel like they are playing therapist? Dh and I have this with friends of ours right now and everyone is distancing themselves from this couple because every conversation is about the wife's mental health issues. It is exhausting. Every get together ends up about her. This has been going on for years and we're burning out. We all have had parents die, friends die, I've lost a baby, but it is always about her no matter what the situation. It's hard. We're not her therapist, nor a therapist for her dh. Is it possible your friends are burning out?

God yes, ditch these "friends". My DH also has mental health issues that prevent him from holding down a full time job and none of our friends would ever talk about him like this (at least not to his face or to mine). His family are a different matter - so we have nothing to do with them at all and I think that's probably helped matters.

(Sorry he's getting such a shit time of it with the NHS by the way. Where we are the waiting lists for everything are appalling but once you get to the front of the queue the help is actually helpful.)

Flaky? Cop-out? Doesn't work hard enough? Would any of these descriptions be appropriate for a stay-at-home Mum? Nope. So why would people think they are appropriate criticisms of a SAHD?

Jlynhope we don't bring it up, it's only been mentioned in relation to why he has had to quit jobs. I know what you mean though, I have had friends like that too and it's exhausting, also the huge sense of guilt for feeling that way towards them!

Eggysmom exactly! No one would have said anything like that to me if was the other way around.

Sossages thank you. He has to do the group therapy to be referred to anything further, or present with suicidal intentions, it's so screwed up, I feel the NHS is so over stretched it's constant crisis management rather than prevention.

I think it's more people don't understand op. I'm sure you know that, despite your anger at them. Your husband suffers from significant mental illnesses to the extent it impacts his ability levels to succeed where he wishes to.

It's something many people don't understand. Not willfully, but as Much as it's wrong for them to judge, try to also understand that mental illness is misunderstood by many and it's not deliberate. It's not right but it isn't malicious

You do understand he's ill. As such all you can do is try to explain, or withdraw if it becomes too much for you.

In that case I'm sorry they are so insensitive. You sound like a lovely wife and your dh has worked so hard. You should be proud of him! I'm sorry they are treating him and you by extension so poorly.

Well done your DH for working so hard towards recovery. I'm sorry his family and "friends" have been so shit, rude and ignorant. I don't think friends who say things like these are friends worth keeping, to be honest. Or if they were, they'd listen when you'd say how inappropriate the comments are, and take that on board. Might just have to cut your losses with some people, or at least keep to a shallow connection where you're not as vulnerable to hurt from them.

Bluntness100 thank you, I think you're right with the majority of them. There are some who do know the issues and can't seem to make allowances. I'm very lucky to have a manager who is incredibly understanding though and allows me to be flexible with work when I need to be. Hopefully the general attitude towards mental health will change. It is so frustrating though. These people I'm talking about do have the intellect to understand, but it's like they don't want to notch their brains into gear.

I get it. DH had an accident at work five years ago which left him with a really rare condition (CRPS). He's in constant yet varying degrees of pain in one particular part of his body. To all intents he "looks" light he might be ok but he's really not. People don't see him at 2am rocking in pain and glugging his liquid morphine. He's subsequently now suffering from depression also due to not only the condition and it's effects but also from being sleep deprived. He's exhausted the majority of the time. But tries to lead as normal a life as possible so will come to social gatherings. He doesn't like talking about it and already feels "worthless" because he's unable to work=unable to provide. He stays at home and does as much as he can. Granted he can't iron for toffee but I'd never take it away from him as it makes him feel like he's contributing etc.

I've had family members make comments about when he's going to return to work (he isn't capable and it's unlikely he ever will be again because, at present, there's no cure, only pain management) or "do something else". Like it's a luxury he's "able to stay at home hahaha" and so on. Bloody infuriating.

Sounds like your DH and you are a great team and bloody well done to him (hope that doesn't sound patronising!) for taking the steps he has. And for you because I know how hard it is to be the "functioning" partner in those type of circumstances. We laugh because I also have health conditions and have had two major surgeries during the last 3 years and I work full time (have to really) because during our light hearted competition, I am the "wellest" out of the pair of us

tempname111 I'm so sorry to hear your DH and you are going through all that. It must be incredibly hard, and no wonder he is depressed. I'm glad you're both able to laugh!

I feel to an extent that the patriarchal ideal of man bringing in money can be so damaging to self esteem. My DH isn't too affected by it these days but he used to feel rubbish about not earning, because he wasn't doing what he was "supposed to" even though being at home with our dd was a hugely valuable contribution.

YADNBU - my DP has anxiety and depression, we've just come out of a real rough patch in terms of his MH. I'm exhausted, he's exhausted and feeling guilty for putting me through it again. And yet 'friends' are so fucking insensitive, the usual bollocks of saying to him 'just appreciate what you have and then you will be fine' or 'I'm sure you could snap yourself out of it'.

This is what makes it exhausting- me or DP don't talk to others due to the above attitudes. It can feel so lonely and soul destroying at times, it feels like your in a shit bubble.