To be sad that I'm never really good enough for my Mum

[topofthedrums]

I have just got a job I love, a great profession for me.

I'm now on 30K at the age of 21.

I phoned her excitedly, I couldn't wait to tell her. I thought she would give me some words of happiness, encouragement, anything. Even a 'well done'.

But nothing. She said "You seem to think you've been told you're on 300k "

I just feel so sad. My brother, however, is always praised and worshiped. He does a construction apprenticeship and you'd think he was accepted at Harvard to teach people the meaning of life when my Mum announced it.

Will I ever be good enough?

*that first line should say progression( not profession!

Congratulations!
You must know that is a big achievement at your age, when so many will still be living as students. You should be very proud of yourself and if you were my DD l would be over the moon for you.

I am so sorry your mum is so horribly unsupportive, that is very nasty of her, maybe she is jealous of your success, but that's not an excuse.

This is totally her failing and no reflection on you. Maybe drop her a message letting her know you are sad she cannot be happy for you?

It sound like longer term other people will have to be your cheerleaders op,
my DM is now elderly and has poor mental health, and l have lost that wonderful support for different reasons, but l have some truly wonderful friends who will always be genuinely happy for me and l know always have my back...
find your truest friends and cherish them and it will help a bit to compensate for your DM s attitude, let them be the first ones you call to celebrate...

Dragongirl Thank you 

My husband is so supportive and thrilled for me, and is upset I've even given my mum the time of day.

But I just can't help myself. I can't explain it, I just want to be her daughter that has done her proud. I know I'm never going to have that, realistically. But it's hard to come to terms with

It took me till the age of 34 (I'm 39 now) to stop 'trying' to have a relationship with my 'Mother'...and just recognize that she was and will unfortunately probably always be the Narcissistic, self-centered horror of a woman she always was before I was old enough just to accept that - and move on from it -

Life is far easier when (regardless of relationship) you know people are people, good ones, bad ones....etc - also know the only person you can ever change is yourself - and if that's just an attitude towards a behavior someone else is displaying that effects you - find a way to deal.

Congrats on your job btw - but be happy with what you have got, not what you long for :)

Oh FFS she’s nasty!!! Congratulations! Sounds like you’ve been working very hard and you really deserve this! I’m so glad you have a lovely husband who recognizes this. I hope you two do something lovely together to celebrate. I suspect your mother is very threatened because she never did anything of value with her life. She probably compares herself very negatively to you in private. Be proud of yourself and hold your head high!!!

It's like picking a scab. You go to her expecting a good response, which doesn't materialize. Eventually you stop picking the scab. Congratulations on your new job.

There is a book called that. You need to read it. It's by dr karyl Mcbride.

Sadly, you're doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome, when you already know what it's going to be. Whatever your mother's problem is, stop making it yours. Don't waste another 20 years jumping through hoops trying to please her only to finally realise it's never going to happen. I strongly suggest you very aggressively start distancing yourself from her. Stop allowing her to hurt you.

Could she possibly have just meant to point out that £30k these days won't go very far at all? Maybe she just hoped for more for you?

Could she be upset that you're married at such a young and vulnerable age?

I can relate, my mum is an ice queen with me yet a loving mother to my older brother!

the scape goat and the golden child

Congratulations!

Can I just add (voice of bitter experience here) ... when she starts to age and plays 'nicey-nice' to you (because she knows that she'll need help and your brother will run a mile) BE ALERT and run a fucking mile? DON'T fall for it. RUN. Don't try to be the good daughter to earn that maternal love that was never there and will never authentically be there. It won't happen. She'll 'drip, drip, drip', playing you, while doling out the real love to the golden dick. Stick with your career. Earn your money. Live a good life and don't feel guilty.

I would agree reading some books to help solidify the realisations you're having now. My mother was more emotionally neglectful than abusive but it was a form of narcissism because it denied me a voice! She tells me what I think with a straight face to this day.

Argh! I know how you feel. Golden child dB still lives at home at the grand old age of 45. Sun shines out of his arse. Always in dead end jobs that go nowhere. Everything he does is so much better 🙄 even though I live in a huge house, have 2 dc a great job and dh. Still not good enough. My df was a different story, I’m just sad he passed away last year as I’m left with mum and dB.

Well done on the new job. You’ll do fine without her praise.

'I can't explain it, I just want to be her daughter that has done her proud. '

OP, that's entirely normal and understandable. There is no magic switch that gets flicked when you turn 18 or 21 or any age that makes you stop seeking your parents' approval. And it HURTS so badly when you don't get it. I have been through similar with both of my parents - sharing good news with them, only to get silence or a blank face in response. It's hideous

I was in therapy for several years and it helped more than I can say. I highly recommend professional support, because it's not possible to just stop caring about parents like these. I'm sorry you're dealing with this

I recommend psychotherapy as well. I only had 8 sessions and they were a bit discombobulating for me, ripped the rug out from under me. At the time, I left the last session thinking that the therapist thought my childhood was way worse than it actually was. But the door was opened and the journey to ''epiphany'' had begun. No going back. A book that helped me was Jonice Webb's ''running on empty'' about childhood emotional neglect (where you're trained to have no needs as a child, and if you express a need, the parent gets angry with you) I also had that feeling that I could never please her though.

Books have helped a lot.

I'm quite a forthright person, I cannot hold my tongue. As I've got older, that anger at injustices, not only to myself, to anyone, I have to speak up, something I didn't do in my 20's and 30's. But the key is to do it in a non-confrontational way. Assertive I suppose.

I'd have to say "mum, can I have a word, I'm not having a go but ..... it has upset me and I just needed to let you know how it made me feel". You never raise your voice. I'd have to say it, I couldn't sit on it.

How she responds is how you judge how your relationship is going to go forward from here. She might be horrified you feel this way, she might take pleasure from hurting you (I don't know your mum and her motivations). But it'd do my head in mythering about it.

Congratulations, by the way. You've done really well and deserve your mum to say well done, I'm proud of you. She should be proud of you.

Is this how it's been all the while you've been growing up OP, or is it just recently your DM has seemed to not appreciate your achievements?

Really well done. This is a wonderful achievement and earning a great wage doing something you love is extra great.

A friend with a similarly ‘You will never be good enough for me’ type mother, said how seductive it is to keep on tryIng to be good enough even though you will never do it. And it’s easy to see how tempting it is to keep on attempting to achieve the impossible .

You need to be your own cheerleader along with DP and any other people in your life who is happy for you. Easy to say I know, but no, with people like this, you probably wouldn’t be good enough if you were the Prime Minister on Monday to Wednesday and a pioneering brain surgeon the rest of the week. You are good enough regardless of what your mother thinks.

Could she possibly have just meant to point out that £30k these days won't go very far at all? Maybe she just hoped for more for you?

We live outside of London so no commute or high living costs in that sense. I can't see in what world 30k doesn't stretch very far, especially when you have a DH who also has a job! But perhaps I'm wrong. 30k just seems really very good to me.

Thanks all for commenting  I will try and seek out some books.