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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to DS1 16 going to a small overnight party with adults away

22 replies

marl · 22/10/2018 11:37

DS1 announced he was going to an overnight small party tonight and I said fine as long as there is an adult present in the house - that I would check on drop off. It turns out no there isn't an adult there. I am met with a deluge of 'what exactly do you think will happen' and 'I could get married and leave home' arguments. He is generally pretty sensible but some of the others do take drugs and I have my doubts as to why any family would leave a 16 year old overnight and condone an overnight party with a few lads (that's the story anyway!) I've said it's nearby and I have no problem him going and coming back by 12 as it's nearby, but not overnight. His argument is 'what's the difference between that and overnight'. I can see the argument and don't really have a great answer apart from 'I'm uncomfortable with that as a principle' but feel uncomfortable about this one. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

HeyMacWey · 22/10/2018 11:44

Tricky one.

At 16 he really should be developing his own independence and I'm pretty sure I went to adult free overnight parties at the age of 16 - I just didn't necessarily tell my parents about them

What are you worried about? What he might do? What others might do?

What type of teen is he? You say he's pretty sensible. I'd trust him on this and let him go and if it all goes tits up then he'll need to learn from it.

WorraLiberty · 22/10/2018 11:47

It is a bit tricky.

At that age I went to loads of parties without adults present (although thinking about it, some had older siblings there).

But there was no such thing as social media then. My main worry now would be that word got about and the party got gate crashed, big time.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 22/10/2018 12:12

Well anything he can do or wants to do can easily be done by 12 so giving him the curfew won't stop 'things' happening (whatever it is you think will happen).

It's a difficult one and I've been there with my own teenagers.
Sometimes you have to give them the independence and know that they can call you at anytime.

But ultimately it's up to you.

staceyflack · 22/10/2018 12:15

I left home at 15 (long story & not advisable)... but he needs some practice independence before the real deal. Sounds like a perfect opportunity to me. You say he's normally sensible - why not trust him then? Drugs are everywhere - he has probably come across them already & if not he soon will. Better that he learns gradually than all at once. You dont want a coiled spring releasing at 18...

Atalune · 22/10/2018 12:16

I think that as he has been so open with you (he could have easily lied and done it anyway) he should be given the freedom to do it.

If it all goes wrong there is his lesson right there. Won’t be getting that kind of freedom again!

I’m a firm believer in rights being earned and if he’s a sensible and kind kid the rest of the time. I think he’s earned it.

Work out a code/exit plan if he needs to get out of there sharpish. £20 taxi fund? Call mum no questions asked lift home? Something like that?

PhilomenaDeathsHeadHawkMoth · 22/10/2018 12:19

YANBU. Although it depends on him. I have 4 DC, most of them I would trust in the future/would have trusted, DS2 no way, unless he calms down a lot between 7 and 16!

MereDintofPandiculation · 22/10/2018 12:22

I have my doubts as to why any family would leave a 16 year old overnight and condone an overnight party They probably didn't! We left 15-16 year old DS2 overnight with older brother and strict instructions for absolute ban on >2 friends each to be in house.

DS2 invited 4-5 friends round for party. DS1 and his friend turned a blind eye in expectation of reciprocal favours. Football game ended in a broken nose, and DSs had a crash course in realising how quickly things can become out of control - it was a very sober and subdued DS2 that we returned to. Good learning opportunity for him - sad that it was at the expense of one of his friends.

(It's a lot easier to feel calm about it 15 years down the line)

ThankyouLinus · 22/10/2018 12:45

I agree with PP. Anything that could happen overnight could happen before 12. I'd personally let him go.

Sparklingbrook · 22/10/2018 12:48

I have a 16 year old DS and he went to a house party with no adults present at the weekend. It was all fine.

tiggerkid · 22/10/2018 12:58

Presence of adults in the house is not something that necessarily reassures me. I find that some adults are much worse than any kids. My son's classmate, for example, once told him he was drinking beer with his mother while she was complaining to him about the breakdown of her relationship with his dad all night. This was when they were 14! He could freely tell his mother to f* off if he didn't like something even when he was 13 and she was unable to do anything.

If this type of adult is present at a party, it wouldn't give me any reassurances at all.

My son has also been at parties where adults were present but couldn't give a rat's behind about what their kids were up to as they were too busy drinking and having their own fun.

Whether you'd let your son go to that party depends on several factors:

do you trust him generally?
do you know the company that's going to be at that party and are you comfortable with them?
has he been at any other parties and what was his track record?

If the answers to the above are reasonable, then you probably have nothing to worry about. The absence of adults at the said party is not in itself a problem as there are no adults, who would be able to control or truly manage anyone else's kids at that age anyway.

SuperSuperSuper · 22/10/2018 13:07

I agree with the majority here. If you trust him, let him go for the reasons already stated.

Haberpop · 22/10/2018 13:44

If you trust him I'd be letting him go. I did with my DD at a similar age, she repaid the trust by calling for a lift home when she felt the situation at the party was getting out of her comfort zone. I think he has shown responsibility by being honest with you in the first place.

Original poster

marl · 22/10/2018 22:26

Thanks all. Yes ok, moving that way on the basis of your thoughts. My remaining issue to one of the questions above is no that I don't really have a good feeling about some of the boys there as it's not his usual crowd but I do recognise he has been reliable on the past. And I recognise no one turns in to a pumpkin after 12 and know the same things can happen beforehand as later... though 3 hours drinking might lead to less poor outcomes than I0! Thank you all for your wisdom.

OP posts:

namechangedagainII · 22/10/2018 22:34

Maybe the overnight suggests something untoward in that they don’t have to return home to parents to be caught under the influence of... or maybe that’s just my thinking

HeyMacWey · 24/10/2018 17:21

@marl how did he get on? All ok?

Loopytiles · 24/10/2018 17:26

Yes, the overnight stay is so they don’t have to face parents while drunk / on drugs.

SugarNyx · 24/10/2018 17:45

At that age I had my own flat, time to loosen those apron strings - he’ll be fine!

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/10/2018 17:53

I let my then 16yr old have a small gathering of friends to stay overnight when I wasn't there, nothing bad happened.
Let him go.

xxreeldancerxx · 24/10/2018 18:35

Not try big to be negative BUT ..... my friends son (16) had planned a few close friends overnight at his at the weekend without adults being there but, due to word spreading on social media, more than 30 kids turned up and caused chaos. I think the parents who own the house need to be the most concerned. As long as he can contact you IF anything was to happen I think you should allow him .....

ZanyMobster · 24/10/2018 19:02

Blimey, I couldn't imagine stopping my DSs going to an overnight party at 16, I would expect them to have a huge amount of independence at that age. I would ensure that he understands he can call you at ANY time of night and explain about gatecrashers etc. My parents went abroad when I was that age and I stayed at home.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 24/10/2018 19:20

At that age I had my own flat too.

I'd let him go, on the basis that you trust his judgement.

It is sooooooooooooo hard when they are growing up knowing when is the right time though and what is right for one 16 year old, is not right for another

OP you know you will sit there worrying yourself silly if he is there all night or if he stays til 12 - so for you its a no win situation..................., but if he leaves earlier than the others, they (the little fuckers) will only take the piss outta him for it...for being that guy with the mother who turns up mid party

Make sure his phone is fully charged before he goes, (which I am sure you wont need to anyway as he will do it himself) and tell him he can ring at any point if any problems.

Then leave him to it, go home and worry yourself sick.

At least he is honest, I used to lie that i was going for sleepovers and in reality be in a field at a rave off my tits and that was age 14/15

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 24/10/2018 19:57

Well, i think you have to weigh up what your concerns are, as a parent of 2 Ds's now 22 and 25 I used to find myself saying NO to a lot of things that when I reflected on realised that I was going over the top on and actually looking back on my own youthful experiences realised I did far worse .
By this I mean requests were often met with a no before i worked out why i was saying no. Obviously my rationale was that i wanted to keep them safe but looking back I think some of it was control. If they drank too much and were sick then ok, not great, but once i had done the whole harm reduction talk ie: know what you are drinking, stay safe, don't get out of control,and don't go to sleep completely off your tits unless you are somewhere where you can be seen and saved if you vomit etc, same with any drug experiments, stay safe, let people know what you were taking, don't take anything unless you know what it is etc etc, usually to be met with a disdainful look and a ' get real mum, we are having a party not a drug fuelled orgy' I gradually began to realise that my fears and my need to control how they acted was really taking over, and more importantly that I needed to give them the opportunity to grow up and to experiment in the way everyone does! this made them feel they had control over their own actions but also knowing that they were cared for and worried about. we obviously still had ground rules about letting us know where they were, what time to be home etc and although it was tricky at times they both thank us now for being 'parents' not killJoys they both left home for uni / work but funnily enough whenever they are home, they still let us know their planned movements not to worry if they are going to be out until stupid o'clock. It really is a fine line between safety and concern and letting them grow up and learn from mistakes. good luck

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