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To feel sad about partner making less contact?

16 replies

Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 01:00

We've been together for 16 months. First few months we saw each other once a week, by 6 months we had moved onto 3/4 times a week and throughout all this time since we got together we would be in regular contact all day/night and really missed each other. He would usually initiate contact by texting me first, would aways message me when he woke up and would stay up late chatting with me.

So the past 6 months we have had an arrangement to sort of part time live together (he stays at mine for 11 days and then goes home for 3 or 4 days). Over time iv noticed contact getting less and less when he leaves to go home. He will send me a text to ask what I'm upto once a day and maybe sometimes a couple extra just replying to stuff iv text him. I'm just finding it hard to adjust to going from 30 plus messages a day/night to about 1-3 messages a day, and I spend my evenings feeling lonely with nobody to chat to and baring in mind he's not working or doing anything much really on the days he's at home I don't really get the drop in contact.

One of the things I liked about him was the effort he had put in to always keep in contact with me and I never used to feel lonely because he was always there even if not in person and this made me happy. Aibu to feel a little fed up and unhappy on the days he's not here (mainly the evenings) or should I just ignore it because it's only 6-8 days per month?

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LEMtheoriginal · 21/10/2018 01:02

Why doesnt he move in permanent?

Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 01:05

I have stuff to do during the day time anyway but I aways find myself missing him during the evening because I'm so used to him being here and cooking together , eating together , watching TV and going to bed together , and then the hardly hearing from him on them days makes it worse. I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable if I am.

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Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 01:07

He lives in the next city to me and hes unsure about leaving to come live here permanently and doesn't want to for a few more years and I feel like it's too big of a commitment to make after 16 months for him to give his place up and fully move in so I want to wait a few more years too.

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Fatasfook · 21/10/2018 01:09

Honeymoon period is over and reality is kicking in. This is normal. But if you aren’t happy with it then move on because you can’t change it

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/10/2018 01:10

It sounds a little like you have all your eggs in one basket. What about your friends, and other things you're into - gym? Running? Reading - etc?

Thatstheendofmytether · 21/10/2018 01:16

That's what happens. You are spending a lot more time together now, he probably just doesn't feel the need to text all day and night while you are apart. My dp and I hardly contact each other through the day and he is away a few evenings a week at night to and again hardly any contact. Np big deal but there's only so much you can text. As someone else said honey moon period is over.

Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 01:20

That's the thing I don't have many friends, family barely have anything to do with me but I was fine before I met him. He was always the one pushing for more time together and texting me all the time but like I said got gradually less over the last 6 months but over the past 2-3 months it's hardly anything. He sends a message to say he's going to bed and goodnight each night ( while he's at his) but then I see him online for a few hours on stuff. And when iv had 4 days of hardly any chat and the saying he's going to bed when he's not I feel lonely and fed up but when we're together we are very close and loved up so it puzzles me.

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Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 01:27

I thought it might be normal to be honest, I do have anxiety and over think stuff so I just wasn't sure. It just makes me feel crap when I know he's not doing much and not working over those 4 days but still can't be bothered to have a proper chat with me even though he says he misses me so much when he's away from me. It doesn't seem like much but it's still 80 odd days a year we spend apart and that I will be sitting there feeling lonely and like I have nobody to speak about my day to, tell my news to ect, and I think should I even feel this lonely while in a relationship or should be making more effort with me.

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IHaveBrilloHair · 21/10/2018 01:28

He's phasing you out.
For whatever reason, probably not wanting to commit, he's had enough, and instead of saying so he's doing it this way.

Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 01:41

But he always still wants to come back and doesn't try and cut his time here short or anything, shows me so much love and affection. It's just when he leaves that my problem is with. For example he left 2 days ago and sent the odd message saying what am I upto. I called him earlier tonight for a proper chat and catchup but we spoke for 5 mins he says how much he's missing me and can't wait to see me but rushes me off the phone saying he's about to have a bath. Then messages an hour later saying he's going to bed now goodnight. And then 2 hours later he's still up popping online on stuff so this makes me feel a little hurt. Is that unreasonable ? Or should I just let it drop given that he does spend a fair bit of time with me ?

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Seniorschoolmum · 21/10/2018 01:44

Op, how old is your dp? What does he do for a living.

I can’t imagine texting someone 30 times a day. How do you get any work done. How do you get anything done. I think I manage about 3 a day.
He’s not necessarily phasing you out. He’s probably just busy with stuff, the same way you say you are. If he’s been with you for 11 days, he may be seeing his family, his friends, going to the gym, cleaning his flat, shopping for food, a million things.
Keep yourself busy, see your family & friends and then you’ll be more interesting to talk to, the next time he stays.

Chocolateismyvice · 21/10/2018 01:49

Honestly, it sounds normal. You've been together nearly a year and a half and spend most of your time together. For those days, maybe he just doesn't have much to say or needs some downtime. He might even feel like he'd rather tell you things in person rather than all over text so 'saves things up' so to speak. I'm really not seeing a big deal.

My partner and I were practically living together around the same time. When we were apart, we'd have a quick chat/few texts but it was also nice focusing on other things.

Please try not to stress. If it really is bugging you, could you just discuss it with him?

HeddaGarbled · 21/10/2018 01:51

You have nothing in your life except him.

He has lots in his life apart from you.

That’s not healthy for you. You need to develop a life independent of him, in the same way that he has a life independent of you.

Put your energy into developing some friendships and then you won’t be so dependent upon and anxious about his communication frequency.

avamiah · 21/10/2018 01:58

Lol, totally agree with you, 30 texts a day 😬😬😬.
I don’t even have time to go for a wee some times lol, never mind sending or reading 30 texts .
Omg .

Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 02:06

Tbh 30 texts were more in the early days but it only equals about 30 min's a day and 39 minutes over a whole day and night I don't think is that much if your both OK with doing that. Like I said though I was fine before him and then we got together he would contact me a lot for the first year and I feel like that got me used to having someone to there for a chat of a evening and now I don't have that anymore (on days he ain't here) i just miss it.

He doesn't do anything during his time at his he's said that himself he just sits round watching YouTube and the obvious like shop and cook, I do more in them days than he does ( I have two children and we're often busy doing stuff) but I kind of agree I think I rely on him for my support and comfort and friendship as I don't have anybody else. So maybe I should just suck it up and let it be.

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Feelinglonely92 · 21/10/2018 02:07

Whoops meant 30 minutes over a whole day Grin

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