Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is what we should do re Christmas?

33 replies

fieldgold · 20/10/2018 16:42

OK, just looking for impartial thoughts.

We have no children and can't now, and dare I say it are reasonably comfortable financially at last now!

Every Christmas Day we go visit Mum in her Nursing Home (she has dementia but is very calm and often funny even if she is on another planet!). The whole family gathers with her in the morning, we all exchange gifts and it is lovely.

Then we all go our separate ways and each member of the family do their Christmas their way. We are always invited but they understand that we are not into big family things with kids and stuff. No problems. The arrangement suits us all. So there is Darby and Joan ha ha, but we like it that way too.

So, this year my friend's lovely apartment in Andalucia is free all over Christmas and she and her husband have offered it to us for two weeks if we want to use it.

We both think it would be great. But...... I feel this might be Mum's last Christmas. My siblings say go, Mum doesn't know what day it is. DH is looking forward to missing all the fuss of Christmas/New Year at home. It would be the very first time either of us were away for Christmas ever! I suppose I am using this thread as a means of setting down my thoughts.

Would you go?

I am sure we will, but there is some nagging doubt at the back of my mind, and I cannot figure out what it is. Selfish maybe? Help me decide please.

OP posts:
Fluffyears · 20/10/2018 16:44

If your mum was well what would she tell you? Go, enjoy it as after all we are here for a short time and we aren’t getting out alive and need to take all the chances of happiness we can.

Gogogadetmumoftwo · 20/10/2018 16:44

Tricky one. Would your mum be upset or not realise? If she wouldn’t be upset and siblings are happy then I would go. You can always spend quality time together with her at other times. I wouldn’t go if she would be upset by it though as I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it if my mum was sad.

hidinginthenightgarden · 20/10/2018 16:46

I would go I think.
You and your mum could have your own xmas when you get back. An even more special memory an intimate.

Marmalady75 · 20/10/2018 16:50

Go for it! You say it might be your mum’s last Christmas, but you don’t know what lies ahead for anyone (including yourself and your husband). I learned the hard way not to dwell on the “what ifs” and take a few chances in life.

Glumglowworm · 20/10/2018 16:54

Your mum will have people there who love her, she won’t be alone or with just her carers. As long as it won’t distrsss her that you’re not there, I think you should go. Especially if you think she would’ve encouraged you to go if she was advising you from outside the situation.

Loopytiles · 20/10/2018 16:56

I would go.

SynchroSwimmer · 20/10/2018 16:56

Yes go, absolutely go for it.

You can make it a nice special time for your Mum both before you go and on your return.

Plus, your Mum has other family there on Christmas Day, she won’t be in any way alone.

Grab it with both hands I say!

Bluelady · 20/10/2018 16:59

It isn't about your mum, OP. It's about how you feel. If it's your mum's last Christmas, will you beat yourself up if you go? As you say, it makes no difference to her. Only you know how you might feel. I personally wouldn't urge you to stay or go. Having been in your situation, I know what a tough dilemma it is.

HerRoyalNotness · 20/10/2018 16:59

Visit your mum before you go, it doesn’t have to be on xmas day. Have a great time!

KC225 · 20/10/2018 17:00

Go. Your siblings are saying go. They will be there for your mum and as you said, she doesn't know what day it is. Go and see her before you go.

BoomTish · 20/10/2018 17:02

I’d go. My MIL is facing in to her tenth “likely to be her last due to dementia” Christmas.

cheesefield · 20/10/2018 17:03

If your mum doesn't know what day it is and your siblings say you should go, then go for it. If it was my Mum I'm sure she'd hate for me to miss out on her account.

On that note, it's been my grandads last Christmas for about 10 years. He's now 95.

BewareOfDragons · 20/10/2018 17:03

Go and enjoy a holiday.

You know you love your mum and have done right by her all these years, and will continue to do so. It doesn't mean you have to be there on Christmas Day itself, especially when you know she won't really know what day it is. See her before you go and when you get back.

Charley50 · 20/10/2018 17:05

Go!

Original poster
fieldgold · 20/10/2018 17:05

Thanks so much everyone. I'm reading the posts and will be back soon x

OP posts:
Littletabbyocelot · 20/10/2018 17:06

I saw my dad at Christmas for his last Christmas (he died in April) and my MIL thinking it might be her last Christmas as well (hopefully not now). Honestly, it was just a day. They were both very ill and it was sad and stressful. I have many happy Christmas memories with both of them to look back on but that it not one. I want to remember my dad at his best, not like that. However, it meant something to them so it was the right choice.

I think if you are dealing with your mum's dementia and will be dealing with her loss in the near future then be as gentle as possible to yourself. As your mum won't know, I would go.

GreenTulips · 20/10/2018 17:07

Why don't you visit before you go with a cake card and a gift? Take a few photos and send them too her.

She won't care or remember

Lulu1919 · 20/10/2018 17:08

Go

MrsEricBana · 20/10/2018 17:10

I was going to say don't go, you'll regret it but I've changed my mind. I think spend some special time with her before Christmas, enjoy your wonderful trip, then see her again with stories to tell and any little Andalusian treats she might enjoy when you get back. Really, it's fine.

StartingAgain1 · 20/10/2018 17:15

I would say go but maybe do a mini Christmas with her before you go, that way you haven't missed anything

BackforGood · 20/10/2018 17:16

Of course, go.
Your Mum will still have lots of family around her, and, lets be honest, there are another 364 days every year you can still spend time with her.
It will be a lovely break for you and your dh, and you can see your Mum before you go and when you get back and every other month of the year.

InfiniteVariety · 20/10/2018 17:16

Go - see your mum before you leave & have a great time!

Crinkle77 · 20/10/2018 17:33

Yes go for it. Perhaps you could have a little Christmas party with her before you go or when you get back.

Sprogletsmuvva · 20/10/2018 17:36

My ex’s GGM was in uncertain health, and apparently persuaded her DD (ex’s great-aunt) to “always stay with her “ - to the extent of giving up any wish of having a husband, family etc.

(Yes, I know your DM is not demanding anything of you, but) The GGM eventually died at 102.

Original poster
fieldgold · 20/10/2018 17:37

Oh thank you everyone for taking the time to respond.

I am the eldest and live ten minutes away from Mum's care home, so I visit quite a lot. Mum can be hilarious and thankfully is a happy dementia sufferer (along with paralysis and full time wheelchair user bless her), so at last the docs have got her meds sorted out and she is calm and not in the least distressed thank god.

She does not recognise me when I go in, but after a while she smiles and recalls the time I got my head stuck in the cot bars and nearly died, cue lots of laughter. Then it's straight away to something else bizarre and totally random, and then doesn't recognise me again.

You are right we should go, as DH said this morning, "think of it like any other holiday away, mum won't know it is Christmas time really".

My siblings are all for it. They know it will be great for us two codgers to escape all the mayhem and are totally supportive.

So I think we will go now. As you have said, visit before leaving (well I am there regularly anyway) and give her her gifts and such. DH said we can FaceTime when the rest of them are with her on Christmas Day. I suppose there are lots of people who are not with their loved ones on the day also.

I think Mum's dementia makes it easier to go, and I think that is what is making me feel a little guilty. But I shouldn't, I and my family are close without being in your face, and look out for her very well. So.....

Fingers on the airline websites tomorrow maybe. Yikes!!

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread