To think this is really shit of his ex

[ExFury]

H and I are living separately atm. Only for a very short time so far and we’re working on it (he had an emotional affair).

We have three teen/almost teenage girls between us. His DD is 12 and I’ve known her since she was 3. My girls are 13 and 15.

I had a text from her yesterday devastated that she’s ‘not allowed’ to the house while her Dad is staying with MIL. I rang H furious and discovered he knew nothing.

So I text her mum, who I’ve always got on well with (I thought) to say that DSD is still welcome blah blah and that I think DSD had her wires crossed. Thinking we’d both reassure her.

Turns out she’s told DSD she’s not allowed round here. She’s not to play with my DD’s on the basis she ‘needs to get used to not being family anymore’.

She’s now not allowing DSD to come to my DDs birthday party next Saturday. I think this is really shit, and unfair on the girls.

Sounds like there's something going on that you don't know about. I'd advise a bit of subtle fact-finding before you respond.

YANBU. Its nothing to do with his ex who your sdd sees whilst in the care of her dad (your exdp). I hope your exdp set his ex straight. What a fucking horrible thing to do to your own child. I assume sdd thinks of your dds as siblings.

Nothing else going on. She’s decided that if we split for good it’s “obvious” that DSD won’t be welcome again so she needs to get used to that. That’s it. That’s her whole reasoning.

ah, sorry, I get it.

I can see why his xw thinks that currently there is a bit of unresolved tension going on and she doesn't want to send her daughter in to the middle of an unresolved situation. Also, if you and your H have split up even temporarily over his emotional affair, you cannot really blame the xw for thinking that her daughter should not be sent right in to the middle of all of that, and also, if she is a bit blunter preparing her daughter for the possible outcome of her father's second marriage/relationship ending, you can hardly blame her for looking at the evidence and concluding that you two might not get back together again.

I really do not see why she cannot come to the party, like any other party she goes to. I also think that8s very mean.

But I can sort of see her mother’s point of view on the wider issue though, if you don’t get back together (and she doesn’t know either way) she is not going to be coming to stay with you is she, she would go to her dad?

In a way she i can understand it, she’s just a Mum thinking she’s protecting her DD from heartbreak and the bottom line is you may not be a family anymore if you and H can’t work things over!

Not saying thrum has handled it great but I can see her thinking

I don't think there's any benefit to getting angry about what you think his xw is thinking. She's entitled to observe that you two have split up and to think........hmm, do I want to send my dd age 13 in to the middle of this battle ground, or should I prepare her for the possible outcome of a break up.

If things have always been ok in the past, it sounds like she's just sensing anger and unresolved tension and uncertainty and wondering, ok, my daughter can stay with me for time being. Miss a stressful party.

ps, not saying she is right or wrong but I think I understand the thought processes and it is not worth getting angry about his x's thought processes when your h has had an emotional affair and you're not certain where that leaves the two of you?

I get that she’s preparing DSD for a possible permanent split. That’s fine.

But banning her from the party and mixing with my girls is just cruel. They’ve been friends and siblings for 7 years. They go to the same school and they love round the corner from each other.

And to not even say “what do we do about the girls” or “should T skip the party?”. It’s just made a bad situation worse and now the girls are all devastated.

Get your H to deal with it but in the meantime Text DSD and state she will always be welcome to the house and you will always consider her part of your family regardless.

Live round the corner.

Is it possible she is going to see her Dad? It’s his access so might be more appropriate if she was with him and her Gran rather than you and your girls. She might be in an awkward position if you’re both expecting to have her.

Obviously she thinks there is a chance the split is going to be permanent. There’s no point arguing the toss with her about that.

Can you email her Mum and say even if the split is permanent you will still regard her as family and that you and your daughters will always want her in your lives?

You could say that you understand this might mean regular access visits are going to cease, but you’d still like her to be able to come to special occasions like parties and have some days out with your girls.

The other thing to consider is that if this is during a time she is usually with her father, it’s him you should be speaking to, not her Mum. I understand this might be difficult, but you really can’t expect his ex to referee if this is really an issue between you two.

A party is a party. No more. A teen party.

I wouldn't be worrying so much about it. Just tell your girls, you invite people and not everybody can make it, that's the way it rolls, at 13 or 43.

Things will calm down and friendships can be maintained/salvaged so long as you don't react too obviously outraged and annoyed. Just stay calm. say ''that's a shame, she'll be missed!'' and don't comment beyond that. Play it down. Play dumb to any of step daughter's mum' motivations. Her prerogative after all so just smile benignly and say ''next time!'' in a breezy way.

Don't pile a load of tension and meaning on to her decision

What a sad situation all round

No this is the thing, it’s on her weekend. It was all checked with her when it was booked (it’s always been super flexible in terms of switching days or sparing a few hours if my girls or her stepsons had a birthday on the others weekend). She’s working so she’s actively arranged for DSD to be minded now as she was just coming here

I’m just thrown because the girls are all worried obviously, but now I’ve got my girls hysterical because DSD is actually banned from mixing with them.

Yes it’s absoluteky H’s fault. But the kids didn’t need dealt with so fucking bluntly and without a word.

And there’s not even any risk of rows or bad feeling at the party as H is working.

I won’t say anything to her obviously. She’s DSD’s Mum. I just love that kid and although I know of H and I split up I’ll see much much less of her I didn’t expect her go banned from the house or mixing with the girls.

To think this is really shit of his ex

Actually it's more shit of your DH if he hadn't been having an emotional affair this shit wouldn't be happening, he has already presumably left the mother of DSD.

I would tell the DSD's mum that her DD is your DSD and your daughters DSSis as far as you are concerned whatever happens with notsoDH.

She sounds like an idiot, tbh.
I don't get why she should cut off girls (near siblings) who have been in her dds life for 7 years. That's not a healthy way to protect her dd.
Perhaps, you could message her and say that whatever happens between you and H, you hope the girls will always be close and both you and she remain friends.

If that is how you feel about her (DSD)

I would speak with the girls mother. Explain that what ever happens she is still welcome. Maybe she needs to hear this from you?

My ex is stepfather to my two boys, they have all maintained a close and loving relationship for the last 14 years well into their adulthood.
I completely understand this is difficult for you, your DSD probably doesn’t remember a time without you in her life so this is a really tricky situation. I get her mum may be protecting her, do you want to maintain a relationship with DSD if you and DH do part? Can you discuss this with her mum?

I would take some time to calm down. This is a mother trying to look after her daughter. Can you call her and have a reasoned chat with her just to let her know that whatever the status of her dad and you, the DD is always welcome and will always be viewed as a sibling. Do you think she's trying to protect her daughter's relationship with her dad? It would only take a comment or two about what her dad's been up to for her to turn against him. Whether or not that's justified is neither here nor there, but that could be her reasoning. I would call her calmly and reassure her. At the end of the day though, your DH has caused this, there's no point being furious with a mother trying to look after her daughter.

I think you need to talk to her about the way forward. Be respectful of her feelings but explain that you’re committed to staying in touch with her daughter long term and aren’t going to let her down.

She might be worried you’re going to tail of after this and DSD will be abandoned and hurt. It doesn’t sound like you will, but you need to let her DM know that.

It is shit.

Possibly she has never liked the family unit you created with her ex, and now she's taking the opportunity to cut you all out.

Actually it's more shit of your DH if he hadn't been having an emotional affair this shit wouldn't be happening, he has already presumably left the mother of DSD.

I’ve already said that it’s H’s fault. But he didn’t leave her.

I’m not annoyed that she’s trying to protect her DD. I get that. I do.

But without discussing it with me, or DSD’s father, she’s banned her from mixing with the other two girls. They go to the same school, same activities and when out at the park or whatever they mix in the same crowd. They’re friends as well as siblings and however well meaning she’s just made a shit situation worse for all three of them. Especially her own DD as at least my two have each other.

I’ve text back to say I’m sorry she feels that way and that I love DSD and she’ll always be welcome here and said that I hoped she’d reconsider not allowing DSD to mix with my girls at all because they adore DSD and would miss her terribly even short term.

I’ve text back to say I’m sorry she feels that way and that I love DSD and she’ll always be welcome here and said that I hoped she’d reconsider not allowing DSD to mix with my girls at all because they adore DSD and would miss her terribly even short term.

That sounds lovely and you sound like a very nice Stepmum. Hopefully DSD mum will reconsider now and your DSD may be allowed to still see her Stepsisters.