To be devastated that I'm pregnant

[Willow789]

I don't know what to do. I have DS 3 and DD 4 months already. With DS I suffered with PND but it didn't properly set in until he was about 5 months. I'm very nervous about this happening with DD too. I don't think I will be able to cope with pregnancy right now, and especially not if the PND creeps in again. DD has colic, is EBF and barely sleeps.

We've had sex once since DD was born. The condom split. I feel so stupid. Have taken the morning after pill once before and I had a horrible reaction to it so was warned by doctors not to take it again, so I couldn't do that when I realised the condom had split.

I would love a third eventually (in a couple of years). We can afford it, we have the space, I'm a SAHM so no worries about childcare. But I just don't think i could cope if i got pregnant. I'm not ready for another baby yet, and I won't be ready anytime soon. DH is supportive of whatever I decide.

I'm at a complete loss. I've spent the last 4 days crying all day. I can't bear the thought of a termination but I also can't bear the thought of another baby right now. The feelings I had with DS were already starting before I found out I got pregnant and this is making it even worse. I'm visiting my GP on Monday. I don't really know what I'm asking, I just needed to vent.

There is a pregnancy choices section that this might be more tactful to post under. You can ask MNHQ to move your post.

I hope you reach a decision and your appointment with your GP helps.

@SpottingTheZebras sorry I didn't know where to put it

Just a side note - DD may not have colic fyi. With EBF babies it can also be a supply issue and hunger. Is she tracking her percentiles?

(We had this with our ds)

I have a 4yo and a 4mo and PND too, and I know exactly what I'd do in your situation but don't want to influence you in any way. So just sending you love and strength.

OP if you truly can't go ahead, you have to be open to the fact you may need to terminate this pregnancy. It's not an easy choice to make but for the sake of your mental health and the DC you already have, you have to put yourself first here.

No judgement or unkindness here; just handholds.

DS was 3 months old when I found out I was pregnant with DD and had awful PND.

DS had colic and reflux and pretty much cried every waking hour. I was petrified of having to go through all that again and with a 12 mo in tow but DD was entirely different.

I won’t sugar coat it, it was tough going at times but I wouldn’t change how things happened.

for you OP. Be gentle on yourself x

If your baby has colic, it's worth checking if that's actually a dairy, egg or wheat intolerance (from your diet). I hope you don't get PND this time, though I suspect part of your pregnancy panic is exactly that.
Good luck whatever you decide to do next.

Thank you everyone. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Definitely colic unfortunately - but I will look into the intolerances. Literally anything to try and stop her screaming every hour of the day.

I fell pregnant with DD when DS2 was 12 weeks. I also had an older DS (3 at the time). I had awful PND and it was bloody hard I'm not going to lie but a few years down the line and I wouldn't change a thing . DD and DS get mistaken for twins all the time as they are so closed and do everything together. Good luck in whatever you decide.

There’s nothing wrong with posting here, though personally I’d have chosen ‘chat’ rather than ‘AIBU’ (for my own sake!). Pregnancy choices I’d avoid if I just wanted to vent/chat.

Only you can make the decision about which you think you could best cope with. Unfortunately, neither choice is going to be easy 🌷

For myself, I’d rather cope with 3 small ones and all the stuff that might bring, than ‘cope’ with a termination, because I don’t think I’d ‘cope’ with it very well. Especially if my intention was to have a 3rd anyway. I find coping with ‘what is’ more bearable, than what ‘isnt’ or ‘could have been’, but that’s me. Only you know which you’d cope with better.

YANBU to feel upset. Not at all.

I think the PP has it spot on. Had you been saying your family was complete and you’d found yourself unexpectedly pregnant then I could see a termination being a sensible option for you. However you say you are planning a third child just not right now...you didn’t take the MAP due to the side effects, yet I’m sure the after effects of a termination will
Also be pretty difficult.
It’s a tough situation with no easy answer. Sorry.

OP not knowing what to do and feeling stuck between the two is tormenting. I'm so glad you are going to GP. I went through a lot of agony and back and forth before I even got that far.
Whatever you decide it can only be your decision and if you know what your heart and gut is telling you, then it's probably right.
It has nothing to do with me and I would never want to try and sway someone, but if you feel you can give more attention and time to the two DC's you already have, there is nothing wrong with seeing it that way. All the best x

FWIW my two are 10 months apart and while it was incredibly hard in the beginning they are now best friends! I’m so glad they were that close. When I first found out I was devastated but I promise you it works out in the end. 😊

With PP in that if you would like a third at some stage, then logically now is as good a time as any, especially as it’s actually happened. I also know that I was devastated when I found I was pregnant last time, so can totally get it. I cried all day every day, worried not about PND but about giving birth, as last births had been dreadful, and just felt lost and scared and awful. I don’t want to attempt to influence you at all. I think any choice you make is right, because it’s your choice and you’d be the one living with it. For me my dilemma was also not the extra kid, but the practical/medical side of it, so once we decided to proceed with the pregnancy I addressed all of that preemptively and felt calm and in control once the baby came along. I think you should make an appointment with your GP and talk to them preemptively about your fear of getting PND with your DD and maybe try contacting either a sleep expert or a breastfeeding expert about her not sleeping/colic and see if anyone has some advice. I got my friend’s baby sleeping properly over a long weekend, despite my youngest being a terrible sleeper, so I’m certainly no expert. She was really very stressed, but for me with a clear mind and feeling fresh, it was logical and fairly simple to achieve. I think a good bit of support and help with your DD will help to clear your head, so that you make the best excision for you. Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, these things need to be addressed first I think.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and stories. DH says he would love a third now but if it's not right for me then we can always wait. Going to have a big chat with him when he's home (he's taken DS out for a few hours) and then we will make our decision.

I have been so focussed on the idea that a third baby would be exactly the same as DD (constant crying, not sleeping etc) that I haven't really considered that it might be a very easy going baby.

Hi OP, I was in a similar position to you recently. I had a 9mo DD and fell pregnant unexpectedly. I have found motherhood a challenge particularly having a poor sleeper. Financially having another baby now would cripple us and mentally I wasn’t sure how I’d cope with 2 so small. My DH and I agonised over what to do but eventually I decided to have an abortion.

I had my abortion 5 weeks ago and although I feel many emotions - sadness, anger, relief, grief, guilt - I don’t regret it. It was absolutely the right thing for my family. As others have said be kind to yourself and make the decision that is right for you. All the best x

I'm guessing at your family set-up, but does your DH work while you're a SAHM? If you decided to continue with the pregnancy, would he be able to take some extended parental leave to take the brunt of the first few baby months? Could you afford for him to do that?

I know from your other post that you prefer to BF, but you do have the option to FF the third, and then your DH could do all the overnights.

I think if he wants to continue with the third, he should be prepared to take on the primary caregiver role this time.