To think ex is not fit to have the dc so much?
theduchessstill · 19/10/2018 22:00
I'm actually not wanting to stop him seeing them as, aside from anything else, I need him to have them as he does so I can work, but I'm increasingly unhappy with it.
Every time I go to collect them ds1 is upstairs on his phone and ds2 is on the laptop on Roblox. Ds2 has a swimming lesson on the night he is at ex's (he's 9 and still stage 3), yet he often refuses to go and ex doesn't make him, so he spends yet more time sitting on the bloody laptop. We do EOW (only includes 1 overnight) and one overnight each week, and on the weekend they are at ex's he often doesn't take ds2 to his drama class, causing me to waste money and problems for the group as they are rehearsing. It's just embarrassing.
It's so hard to get ds2 to do anything and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get him out of the house and interested in anything, and I'm sure it's being exacerbated by ex giving him unlimited screen time. He never reads with him. He'll do homework with ds1 if asked, but ds2 is a different character and would never ask, so does fuck all there.
Ex also pays nothing towards their upkeep (despite my having contacted CSA 6 months ago - they can't get anything from him) and buys them nothing. So they have limited clothes at his house, it's dirty and messy there, he gives them shit packed lunches shoved in a carrier, he's a lazy fuck, basically. He refuses to reply to my texts, so there's no consistency between us or sense that we are trying to parent the children together and act in their best interests. I had to pick up the dc tonight and he refused to speak to me at all, despite the fact I needed to clarify something about next week's arrangements. He just blanked me though the dc were there. It's so upsetting and a shit example to set them, I don't get why he does it.
I'd like to limit the time they spend with him, but I know I can't. Yet sometimes I think it's not in their best interests to spend so much time there and I'm just doing it because it helps me out. I have a couple of parents' evenings or late meetings per half-term, so if he didn't have them every week I'd have to ask him for favours regularly as I have no one else to ask, and I doubt he'd even do it in those circumstances s then I'd be fucked.
But I feel their needs aren't being met as it and I hate the thought of ds2 sitting at that bloody computer hour after hour. Why is he so shit and what can I about it? How bad is so bad you feel you have to do something?
RightOcciputAnterior · 20/10/2018 01:03
He's entitled to parent the children differently from you, including not forcing them to attend clubs. A court wouldn't cut contact because of that: it's just a difference in parenting styles. Unless there's significant abuse or neglect, you would be very unreasonable to reduce the kids' contact with their father. Perhaps if you accepted that Dad is an equal parent and has the right to make different choices from those which you make, Dad would feel more able to speak to you at handover?
Rtmhwales · 20/10/2018 01:06
You should probably switch the nights of DS2’s swim lessons, if it’s of importance to you.
Swearymum83 · 20/10/2018 01:09
I can understand you are frustrated. A lack of consistency means that the routine doesn't carry over and makes it more difficult for you to maintain it. He should definitely be working with you and towards similar parenting goals but unfortunately I can't see a court agreeing to decreased access (that is if he's even bothered with court). If he won't communicate effectively with you that is difficult. He needs to at least do that. Sorry I'm not more help, it's a difficult decision but good luck!
TotHappy · 20/10/2018 01:31
Well pp are being shitheads. His different parenting style is just no parenting. He may legally be an equal parent but why should op maintain that fiction on here? He doesn't pay, he doesn't educate, he doesn't socialise, he doesn't appear to play, he doesn't nurture. He doesn't deserve the kids. But he has them. Poor kids. Poor you op. I don't know what you can do. Do they like going? Would they want to continue do you think?
BlueBug45 · 20/10/2018 05:45
OP the children have a legal right to have contact with their father so unless they are in secondary school so are old enough to make their own arrangements and say they don't want to see him then you need to let it go. He as a different parenting style from you were he allows your (plural) children to do SFA if they want, so if you want them to do things like swimming lessons and drama club you need to ensure it is on the nights you have them.
BarbarianMum · 20/10/2018 06:41
Unfortunately OP you chose a "lazy fuck" as the father to your children and now they're stuck with him- and so are you.
Did the CSA say why they can get no money from him.
Alfie19 · 20/10/2018 07:03
Some parents could be like this even if they still are with the other parent and all living together. It doesn’t sound like grounds for removing children or access to me. Swimming lessons and drama club are not an essential part of life, here’s a thought, maybe he doesn’t like drama class and you are being unkind for forcing him to go.
bastardkitty · 20/10/2018 07:10
Wow. Just wow. Your poor children. What a disgustingly lazy arsehole. Is contact court ordered? How do the children feel about going? Have school raised any concerns?
Helmetbymidnight · 20/10/2018 07:16
Urgh, what a lazy fuck.
I would try and cut down the overnight in the week. I doubt he’d notice, would he?
BatFacedOK · 20/10/2018 07:32
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Missingstreetlife · 20/10/2018 07:47
Is he capable of noticing and acting appropriately if they are sick. Are they at risk? These would be grounds for reducing against his will.
Talk to your kids about it, if they are not bothered cut access, but if they are getting something from it try not to worry. They get more time in your care. Are you in touch with his mum, can she kick him into gear?
AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/10/2018 07:47
Would he go to mediation with you or do you have a mutual friend that could speak to him and agree to be there and help you both compromise if you all met for a chat in neutral territory?
Could you introduce a regular paid babysitter and that might negate the need for him to have them so much. Or if you don't have the money, then reciprocal play dates with another parent?
Could you share lifts with another parent to any activity so then there would be someone picking them up from his house?
Can you somehow do some work with your children on limiting screen time and self regulation? Don't know how to do this but there must be some help on the Internet?
Could you ask their teachers to have a word with him about homework not being completed on his weeks?
Appreciate most of these suggestions are difficult and may be unworkable but just throwing ideas out there
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